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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday party's with separated parents

22 replies

bubblegurl252 · 31/07/2016 14:37

What do you do?
My child has 3 birthday party's, 2 small ones with each family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousin etc) and her actually birthday party with her friends.
Who pays for the child's actual party?
If the child has a family party with the dads family and a family party with the mums family, who pays for the child's birthday party with her friends?

OP posts:

bluecashmere · 31/07/2016 14:51

Sounds like a lot of parties.

Which parent will be at the party? Or will they both be? Who is organising? I think all of those points are relevant. I organise and pay but other parent does not come.

Original poster

bubblegurl252 · 31/07/2016 15:09

Both parents are invited as that's what the child has asked for. Child has asked for the kind of party she wants and mother has found the stuff (eg bouncy castle) and forwarded all info to the father as well

OP posts:

blueturtle6 · 31/07/2016 15:17

Fairest why is to go halves, but should be discussed ahead of booking anything

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2016 15:20

If both are going I would say halves. Although you could argue that whosever day it is pays and the other parent is an invitee. I wouldn't but you could.

Smidge001 · 31/07/2016 15:26

Take it in turns. One year one parent organises and pays, the next year the other parent. Then there's no need to have to agree what will be done etc, you each have full control (both in terms of type of party as well as cost) every other year.

Oooopsididitagain · 31/07/2016 15:48

I think it should be halved. The child is both parents. Im separated from sons dad but have said im thowing him a party and he has to pay half and he agreed. Last time however, i arranged and paid for everything and he was meant to reimburse me his half but never did - this year im getting money up front!!

ButtMuncher · 31/07/2016 16:25

Think it depends on relationship between the parents.

My DSS is 7 and we do not offer to pay half for his parties - his Mum insists on doing the biggest, expensive affair - this year it is going to cost in excess of £200, plus a further £100 on the two cakes she usually has made for him (we've never figured out why 2). It is up to her if she wants to pay that amount of money for a 3 hour get together with some food - because frankly, DSS is just as happy having a BBQ with his family and cousins/few friends (which is what we shall be doing as he has specially asked for this).

Unfortunately DSS mum is trapped in the 'keeping up appearances' mentality of the school mums - she's actually planning 3 separate parties/events for him this year, including the party mentioned above. DP has offered his concerns that it's OTT, but it's her choice how much she spends. DSS is of course happy as parties = presents = cake however it was this kinda stuff that perpetuated a spate of very bad behaviour last year because he was so used to having everything his way that going back to school meant sharing again....

DP pays over minimum maintenance payment, and we also have DSS pretty much 50% of the time, so from his POV he provides well over expected amount and should not have to pay into £300 parties he feels are unnecessary for a 7 y/o. I agree, and so does DSS Mum - she never asks, but has said this summer she can't afford certain things (and could we pay more/could I at 8 mths pregnant be his childcare) - DPs response was a swift 'Don't do 3 parties and use the money a bit more wisely...' - harsh perhaps, but the money is paid for DSS - not toys, cakes or takeaways, and especially angers DP when DSS says that his mum won't buy him a new pillow for his bed that he's asked for weekly since June because she can't afford it.

Basically - parents shouldn't have to jointly pay - it depends on the parents, their relationship and whether they are being reasonable to one another (I.e; not being greedy and expecting another to pay well above the odds).

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2016 16:31

has said this summer she can't afford certain things (and could we pay more/could I at 8 mths pregnant be his childcare) - DPs response was a swift 'Don't do 3 parties and use the money a bit more wisely...' I understand the beign pissed off, I don't understand talking to another adult like they are a child. A swift, "no sorry" would have sufficed.

Atinybittiredandsad · 31/07/2016 16:32

Spending £300 on a 7 year olds birthday party is clearly insane.

My 4 were happy with a few mates, picnic or takeaway and if summer a park/swim trip or winter a movie and pizza sleepover.

Op I think it needs discussing before booking but would it be impossible for the families to share a party? Guessing not?

The party for friends I think should be shared financially.

RubbleBubble00 · 31/07/2016 16:36

I'd work out where they want and what activities and number of guests. Price it and ask ex if thinks it's ok amd would he go halves.

ButtMuncher · 31/07/2016 16:41

Sorry should have clarified MrsTP - we definitely didn't respond like that to DSS Mum - DP responded like that to me when I told him - DSS Mum had mentioned me looking after DSS more (to save money on childcare) directly to me, not DP - his reaction was appropriate but definitely not relayed

BackforGood · 31/07/2016 16:49

Does depend on the relationship between parents, and also on their ideas of what it's sensible to do / spend.
Probably alternate years would work best in most cases I'd have thought.

bitemyshinymetalass · 31/07/2016 17:00

Three parties every year is insane. You must have money to burn to do that, so why argue about who pays?

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2016 17:09

Thanks goodness ButtMuncher

minatiae · 31/07/2016 17:17

I think I'd cut it all down and split the birthday day between families (maybe breakfast with one family and lunch with the other) then just have the one party in the afternoon with friends, split the cost of it equally.

honeyroar · 31/07/2016 17:22

While my stepson was younger, sometimes we'd do parties for him, other times his mum would. Whoever organised the party paid for it. His mum used to try and rope us I. For paying half of her expensive parties for him, but we would always have to explain we didn't have the money for it. She didn't like it, but her income was much bigger than ours. It was always less strained to keep different sides of the family separate. To be fair, he hasn't had too many parties anyway as he had a Xmas birthday.

mixety · 31/07/2016 17:23

For DSS, the family party alternates between his mother and father each year. The parent not hosting the family party pays for the friends party.

Original poster

bubblegurl252 · 31/07/2016 17:44

bitemyshinymetalass

Definitely not money to burn, I have a small family thing and the grandparents travel to see her, just like a little bbq/buffet at home.

Her actually birthday party is the one where she wants her friends to go, she's requested both sets of parents. She's not allowed to invite her cousins because her father decided they're only allowed to their family one which is awkward when my daughter asks me to invite them

OP posts:

tinyterrors · 31/07/2016 17:45

Dsd's mum organises and pays for dsd's birthday party each year. Partly because she's always gone way ott and spent a fortune hiring a hall and bouncy castle plus an entertainer and dj for one party which we can't afford to help pay for, and partly because dsd's mum invites all her friends and their dcs to the party while dh's family and our dcs wouldn't be welcome (yet she tried to get us to pay £250 for 'our' half of the party).

We just have our own little family party at home for dsd with our dcs, dh's parents and sil's family and leave dh's ex to get on with whatever ridiculous party she wants to keep up with the 'competition' to see which parent can waste the most money throw the biggest party at dsd's school.

I think whoever organises the party should pay for it. If you're organising the party for school friends to go to then there's no need for a separate family party, unless by family party you mean a cake after dinner on the actual birthday, just invite your family to the friends party.

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 31/07/2016 17:48

Dd has a birthday tea with her father's family (either the weekend before or the one after). On the day she has a party with her friends that I organise and pay for. We had one attempt at a joint party but I ended up with the entire bill whilst her father implied to the other parents that he'd funded it all and his family sat separately to everyone else and grumbled that dd was spending time with her friends and not them. At the end of the day the most important thing to dd is having a party with her friends and that's what I arrange.

ButtMuncher · 31/07/2016 18:39

Tinyterrors - we had that too. Last year - we were asked to pay £100 toward a party we didn't know existed until a week beforehand and to which nobody on DP's side (4 other cousins plus GP) had been invited to Um. No.

ButtMuncher · 31/07/2016 18:41

(Sorry, should have said they weren't going to be invited to either - we were told we couldn't invite any of DPs family or friends of DSS that he has through us)

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