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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly jealous of MIL

28 replies

jellymum1704 · 26/07/2016 17:07

It seems to be a season of Mil threads, sorry to dump another one. MIL lives abroad and comes to stay with us 3 months every year . She does help with household chores and looking after 15 month old DS while I work FT. I'm quite grateful as she's a great help generally. However, we're completely different personalities. She can talk a donkey's ears off while I'm more introverted. She likes to be at the centre of attention at a gathering while I prefer company of close friends. When we have people over or get invited over she holds centre stage and I never get in a word with my friends. Note that in my culture it's courtesy to extend invitations to parents as well. I quite hate the fact that she steals the limelight at every opportunity.Guests are forced to be polite while she goes on and on and on. She also makes it a point of displaying her knitting skills at every opportunity in front of our friends and I felt a bit Confused when she gifted a handknitted sweater for our friends DS she barely met once while I got them something store bought. For the record she has never knitted anything for me though she promises to every year. I sound like a jealous shrew but need a vent. My DH says I can learn from her but I barely have energy at the end of the day when I return from work and managing other chores. AIBU to be jealous?

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 26/07/2016 17:13

Perhaps you are a bit jealous of her or perhaps she really enjoys the time that she spends with you.

As long as you find that her coming to stay with you is not making life too hard for you I think you might just have to put up with her the way she is as she is never going to change her personality now.

Aprilrosesews · 26/07/2016 17:13

What does your dh want you to learn from her?

I think slightly YABU as it seems Tudor those 3 months she is a great help to you. I get that you're completely different personalities and if you weren't forced together you wouldn't choose to be friends but that's life and it might just be a case of grinning and baring it. Maybe take advantage of her being over and you go to your friends a lot more?

Aprilrosesews · 26/07/2016 17:14

^ 'it seems for' not Tudor

NavyandWhite · 26/07/2016 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jellymum1704 · 26/07/2016 17:20

DH wants me to learn knitting and generally being a good homemaker Shock she and Fil tag along with us every time we have a party invitation. I usually don't meet them alone to not appear to take advantage of their helping out with childcare. I just have to bear it I suppose

OP posts:
Griphook · 26/07/2016 17:21

Yes, you are being unreasonable and I think you need to sort yourself out

badtime · 26/07/2016 17:22

What should you learn from her? That is the only problematic part I can see in your post, and that is a problem with your husband.

Missgraeme · 26/07/2016 17:22

Tell him u will learn to knit etc but as it will drain all your time and energy u will have none left for him..........

BorpBorpBorp · 26/07/2016 17:24

What exactly is it that you're jealous of, is it just that she knitted something for friend's ds but hasn't knitted anything for you? I can see why that might irk you, but it should be quite a small mountain to get over, considering how good she is generally.

If you'd like reasons why she hasn't knitted anything for you, pick one of the following:

  • it's quicker to knit something small (like a baby jumper) than something large (like an adult jumper). Maybe she can't commit to a big project.
  • she doesn't want to knit you something because she's worried you might not like whatever she makes.

You don't need to learn to knit. Can your DH knit? Is he a good home-maker? If yes, then you have 2 competent knitters in the family so there's no reason for you to learn. How many knitted goods does one family need? If no, why should you be the one to have to learn?

DoreenLethal · 26/07/2016 17:27

If he wants knitting in his home, why isnt he learning from her?

Original poster
jellymum1704 · 26/07/2016 17:29

Its not about her not having knitted anything for me per se. When she does it for near strangers it makes me wonder if she gets a kick out of all the praises.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellymum1704 · 26/07/2016 17:29

Doreen, my response to him exactlyGrin

OP posts:
GloriaGaynor · 26/07/2016 17:35

He can learn from her to be a good homemaker too.

Moreisnnogedag · 26/07/2016 17:41

Trust me knitting for little ones is a completely different kettle of fish compared to an adult jumper. Also it's nice to have a reason to do something even if it is knitting for a random rather than just a random project. Has she made things for your little one?

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 26/07/2016 17:42

It's the suggestion from DH that you 'could learn from her'. I'd be furious!

Original poster
jellymum1704 · 26/07/2016 17:46

Morris, she knitted one jumper for DS. It's not about the knitting really, it's about her wanting be at the centre of everything

OP posts:
Aprilrosesews · 26/07/2016 17:47

I usually don't meet them alone to not appear to take advantage of their helping out with childcare

Maybe just occasionally take advantage and give yourself a breather away from them? Can you meet any friends for a quick dinner out or would that invitation have to be extended to them then too?

I do get where you're coming from, it must be hard to live a certain way 9 months of the year to have that suddenly change for 3 even if it is every year. I don't think I would be able to manage living with either my mum or mil for a week let alone 3 month as much as I love both of them, hats off to you op for that!

yougetme · 26/07/2016 17:49

Looking on the bright side you only have her for 3 months of the year. Think what it would be like if she lived with you permanently.

GoOnThenYouMightLikeIt · 26/07/2016 17:51

My MIL is a keen knitter, but as Moreis says, knitting adult size stuff isn't as pleasurable, so she's never offered to knit for me.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 26/07/2016 17:52

Why are you jealous of her; I'd feel sorry for her. You are describing someone who bores everyone she meets with incessant talking and generally has to buy people's affection.

Also tagging along to your events: I couldn't do it! You're a saint!

Original poster
jellymum1704 · 26/07/2016 18:02

Thank you for your replies. I'm no saint, it's just that DH and I don't like to give them the impression they are our childminders, we try and include them in outings when we can. I do hope at times they decline an invitation but that hardly ever happens. Interestingly, she did knit a scarf for her adult neice who she genuinely dislikes.

OP posts:
MissMargie · 26/07/2016 18:35

Look to the long term.
The time she is needed to childmind will probably be a few years.
Then you are on your own to make decisions about when they come and for how long.
Perhaps you can be busier when they are here and leave DH to entertain them more.

greenfolder · 26/07/2016 18:36

ThNk God you have 9 months off a year! For the other 3 months, arrange stuff for you and dh to do. She is different not better.

OppositeOfGenius · 26/07/2016 18:41

No you don't sound jealous - on the contrary it sounds like you don't like her at all and wouldn't want to be anything like her. (Which is possibly fair enough, some people aren't easy to like or get on with, but is far away from jealousy as such.)

The only thing I could think you could be jealous of from what you've written is her relationship with your DH - do you feel like he's choosing her over you by having her to stay for so long or something? Are they very close? Does he say he wants you to be more like her or something?

3 months would be too much of anyone visiting for me!

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 26/07/2016 18:45

I don't think you sound jealous and I suspect that you don't feel any jealousy at all. I think you find her over-bearing.