Aibu or is DH?

[WottyMcWottFace]

Just home from hospital after week stay with 18week old DD, allowed home now with 10 days antibiotics and numerous outpatient apts for scans and checkups. DD much improved but still v cranky and needs lots of cuddles and settling.

I stayed in hospital with DD, DH carried on as normal just visiting as and when possible.
Back home now settling in and he's gone out to get shopping and clean car so I can rest ... ?? not that easy with poorly DD!
In his wisdom he's now arranged that he will take DSS out for the day tomorrow (he doesn't live with us) so I can have some "space and rest"

sleep deprived is an understatement and feeling majorly stressed but AIBU to expect some kind of support now we're home? I don't want much ... Just a few hours of sleep would do whilst he sits with DD.

Have you told him this? If you have them yanbu but it sounds a bit like you haven't actually said what you want and he thinks he is helping?

He probably thinks he is being supportive.

Would you prefer him to stay home with dss? If so, tell him. If you want him to watch the baby (or take her out for a drive while you sleep) then tell him. He isn't necessarily being thoughtless, his idea of what you want him to do may just be wildly out of touch with reality.

I've told him but he just doesn't seem to understand. He thinks he's helping and can't see why I can't rest if I'm on my own with baby.
We had made arrangements not to have DSS this weekend as we may have still been in hospital and his mum made arrangements for other care. Im at a loss I just don't know what goes through his mind!

I wld say it's not up for negotiation. it was a nice thought but you need him at home without dss please. He needs to be prioritising you both and shdnt find reason to argue with that request.

He thinks he's helping

Well then he's not being unreasonable, just... dim. I assume you explained that although you appreciate the thought, it would actually help more if he stayed. What did he say?

I don't you're a bit U to moan about him going out to do chores tonight.

But as for tomorrow, just tell him in no uncertain terms you will be sleeping tomorrow morning so needs to look after your DD. How he manages that with his DSS in tow is his problem.

his DS

Just hand him DD and go to bed! He can look after two DC at once, it won't kill him.

Spell it out as if he were a 4 year old. Tell him he's not helping by leaving you alone . If he still doesn't get it I'd assume he doesn't want to help.

I don't think he thinks he's helping at all! I think he's just doing what he wants to do and dressing it up as helping. He doesn't want to sit in with dd - far too dull, though he'd never admit it, he wants to go out with his other child and have fun and that's that.

I agree Nickifury people that genuinely want to be helpful will ask the question 'what do you want me to do today ?'

What is it with men and bloody washing cars ? It was the most pressing thing according to my (ex)OH when I was at home in labour and wanted him with me .

Come to think of it he was an abusive wanker and did it to be cruel.

Have you actually told him in as many words that you had virtually zero proper sleep while DD was in hospital and therefore you really need him to give you a breather from her for a few hours?

If you have and he still isn't listening then he is being unreasonable and needs to be told so.

for you and your DD. I hope she is fully better soon.