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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to let DS sleep with his girlfriend in our house..yet.. but when?

221 replies

Doingmybestmum · 20/07/2016 16:42

DS is 17 and so is his girlfriend (who is v lovely). She stayed over a while ago and he ended up in her bed - I don't think anything happened but I wasn't best pleased. They have been together for 2 weeks. AIBU and old fashioned? When is enough time passed? Any thoughts would be gratefully received... thanks.

OP posts:

SirVixofVixHall · 21/07/2016 23:43

I'm an unashamed pearl clutcher.. to answer a pp, it isn't the actual sex as such, it's the emotional fallout from that which many girls aren't prepared for. How hormones can make you think you feel more for someone than you actually do. Contraceptives fail. If you aren't emotionally mature enough to face an unwanted pregnancy, then you are too young to be having sex. I don't want my daughters dealing with all the stress of that at a pretty crucial time in their education for starters. Very few of my friends were having sex at 17, it really isn't compulsory- as society seems to suggest to teens now.

lalaroo · 22/07/2016 00:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

blindsider · 22/07/2016 06:08

Oh well despite DW outlining the house rules to her DD's the eldest has spent the night again with bloke - I assume it is the same bloke as last week but who knows I never got to meet him as he skulked off. As step father I don't want to get involved as you can pay for lots of lovely holidays and be tolerated but as soon as I stick up for Their mother which I only do when they are attempting to bully her I am the devil.

My own 25 year old DD wouldn't dream of bringing a random bloke home, I think it may be different if the girls father was here (but obs. He isn't)

Frankly young people's 'relationships' are a mystery as they seem to be quite happy to be shagging for several months before they will admit be being 'official' which practically seems to be treated like an engagement (if Love Island is anything to go by)

I realise any time limit set is arbitrary but I don't want to meet one night stands and I certainly don't want them occurring in my house.

vdbfamily · 22/07/2016 07:23

It makes me sad all the comments from people saying things like 'they are definitely shagging so just let them do it safely.' Seriously, not every 17 year old IS shagging......just cos you did at that age does not mean they are. If you have a son/daughter and you make that assumption and actually they do not yet fell ready or inclined to have sex with their partner, they may actually wish you to have some strict rules. This will help them to say no.
I go back to the pregnancy thing, if a person is not ready for a baby, they should not be having sex, as that is the natural consequence of having sex and contraception often fails. That is why I personally say that sex should not be seen as a recreational activity (outside of a stable relationship) as it may result in a pregnancy.

captainfarrell · 22/07/2016 07:47

When I was 20 and had a long term boyfriend(months/years) he is now my DH by the way, my DM would make him sleep in the living room. His mum let us sleep together in his single bed. I never told my mum about it to save her from the truth about her dirty daughter lol!
I think you make the rules in your house and you might want to check with her parents that this is ok.

HostOfDaffodils · 22/07/2016 09:22

I think there are just so many variables. My own experience of having - as a teenager - had my first night with a dodgy boyfriend after having lied to my mother about staying I was female friend's house, made me think I'd want to do things differently as an adult.

My 18 year old daughter arrived back from university one weekend, having been driven back with a bloke. (Let's call him Daljit). They went out for the evening and she came back. The next morning she said to me - literally - 'Daljit. Boyfriend.'

I was pleased she confided in me and said, 'Oh that's good.'

At some point during the next vacation, there was some sort of party nearby on a night when taxis were expensive and she asked if Daljit could stay over. I agreed. Slightly later I told her I would put Daljit in the spare room at the back, and that I didn't know the exact state of the relationship but she could sleep where she liked.'

At which point she turned to me and said, 'Mumsnet would be proud of you....'

marblestatue · 22/07/2016 09:55

'Mumsnet would be proud of you....'

MaQueen · 22/07/2016 10:37

I'm perfectly happy to be considered old fashioned. And it doesn't necessarily follow that just because you're in your mid teens that you're having copious amounts of sex.

Lots of my friends didn't start having sex until they were at university.

If my DDs were at university, and were in a long term relationship, then yes, I would be fine with them sharing a room.

But I would never allow a series of fly-by-night boyfriends flitting through my house and bumping into me at breakfast.

ILoveMyMonkeys1404 · 22/07/2016 11:40

YANBU im only 23 and remember been this age and id been with my boyfriend at the time for around 3 years and both of our parents knew what was obviously happening but said that they wanted us to respect them and that meant sleeping sepetartly. Id say stick to your guns for now they've only been together a few weeks and it could quite easily fizzle out, without sounding horrible, although there legally old enough i don't think that means they don't have to respect your wishes! Ill be exactly the same with my boys and my daughter ☺ In fact the only 'boy' who has slept in my bed at my parents is my partner now and we've been together for five Years and have 3 children.

hazeimcgee · 22/07/2016 11:56

When i was 18, home from uni and engaged my oh's mom called my dad to check it was ok i slept over in his room. V embarassing but actually i think i good ideam

ExConstance · 22/07/2016 12:09

As long as they are both over 16 I've never considered it my problem. I did smile when DS2 and his GF commandeered the spare room - his is just too much of a tip to entertain in!

hazeimcgee · 22/07/2016 12:17

Also think it being two weeks is an issue - encouraging casual sex? Do you want a series of strange girls?

eviejaye · 22/07/2016 13:54

Having been in this situation with my older 2 I totally understand. You have to be comfortable with whats going on in your own home, regardless of whether it's legal or not. 2 weeks is a very short time to have been in a relationship. Would you be happy if he brought home a different girl every 2 weeks? Where do you draw the line? Communication is key and never be forced into agreeing to something that will make you unhappy under your own roof.

DerelictMyBalls · 22/07/2016 14:00

sex should not be seen as a recreational activity

This made me honk with laughter. Good thing I have the office to myself today.

HostOfDaffodils · 22/07/2016 14:04

I think it would be more worrying if they were seriously trying for babies.

biggles50 · 22/07/2016 14:11

We had a rule with our children and are now in the process of imposing it on our youngest. Both over 18 and the relationship had to be a year. They all respected it, however the youngest thinks we're "lame". If they sneak in a quickie when the house is empty then so be it. I wouldn't be happy with my 17 year old sleeping with their gf or bf after two weeks. If you don't have rules then what happens when they break up and he brings home another gf next month?

HostOfDaffodils · 22/07/2016 14:13

How many parents do find that a series of casual partners come and go, and are discovered in the small hours/first thing in the morning.

It seems to be a huge fear. But does it actually happen?

vdbfamily · 22/07/2016 21:53

Okay, so having caused some amusement with my comments about sex not being a recreational activity, which of course it often is, I think I would have made more sense if I had said that sex is not JUST a recreational activity because of the possible consequences. I know people will disagree with that , as a large percentage of people having sex daily will be doing so for enjoyment and not to procreate, however for many,including pretty much all teenagers, falling pregnant is a very real possibility.

WoahSlowDown · 22/07/2016 23:52

vdbfamily. That's a much better explanation.

AppleSetsSail · 23/07/2016 08:06

Hell no. They can bring girls into their childhood beds when they're married, maybe at a push if they were engaged. Certainly not at 17.

blindsider · 23/07/2016 08:29

Yes

I have come downstairs in the morning to find some Scrote I have never set eyes on helping himself to the contents of my fridge - my kids wouldn't even dream of sleeping overnight with GF/BF but because they are SD's I have to button my lip. Grrr

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