not to let DS sleep with his girlfriend in our house..yet.. but when?

[Doingmybestmum]

DS is 17 and so is his girlfriend (who is v lovely). She stayed over a while ago and he ended up in her bed - I don't think anything happened but I wasn't best pleased. They have been together for 2 weeks. AIBU and old fashioned? When is enough time passed? Any thoughts would be gratefully received... thanks.

Im loving this arbituary time scale. Let those consenting decide if 2 hours 2 weeks or 2 years is right for them.

I was intimate very early on. Cant be arsed to wait

Bit late to the party but proper lol at the pp's suggestion of ringing the girls parents! I'd left home and was working and living in a rented house with friends at 17 - not sure what my parents (at their house, in a different part of town) would have thought of a new fling's parents ringing up to ask if they minded that I was shagging sleeping in the same room as their son!

Really hard to let go though - I get that, but I think also from reading many of the responses these are from parents of younger children who are still very much wishful thinkers (and yet have forgotten the joys of a wild and wonderful teenage relationship)!! I'd rather know that my DC's were communicating and making responsible choices, taking precautions than hiding and lying because stuff is 'forbidden'. Perhaps if there was a revolving door of girls and randoms then have a chat, but meanwhile, let it go, it could be true love

it's pure hypocrisy to refuse to allow them to have sex in your home but then turn a blind eye to them having sex anywhere else.

It's not hypocrisy - I am not saying I know my precious little boy won't be having sex - it is saying I do not want him to invite people to my house for sex. I managed a sex life quite easily when I lived at home without having to have sex in my parents' home. I absolutely respected that it was their home and not my 'right' to have my sex life under their roof. I think too many parents are so anxious to be 'cool' and not alienate their children by laying down some ground rules.

If my DS doesn't like my 'rules' - he is very welcome to leave home and provide for himself.

Ragwort Agree.

But it's odd that the parents are seeing it as all about sex.

At the risk of sounding naive I think some of this - for some young people - is also about companionship. Lots of my daughter's mates have slept over, often sharing the double bed which is in the room at the back of the house. That way they can yakk all night come up late, etc without disturbing me and Spouse.

When two people are going out, they want to be together quite a lot of time. Sometimes sex will happen. Sometimes they might talk. Sometimes they might cuddle and go to sleep. I don't actually feel provided everyone is of a legal age as regards the first possibility, it is my business to enquire. It's the decision of the young people concerned.

Obviously one can opt to do a big, 'My House, my Rules'. But I think houses are happier places where there aren't too many rules, and people are just trying to live together and understand one another.

I do not think it is old fashoined or outdated to believe that it is best to not have sex until you are in a committed relationship(eg marriage, but if not, at least an understanding that you intend to be together forever). One of the biggest reasons I believe this is sensible is because every time you have sex, whether or not you take precautions, you run the risk of getting pregnant. I personally do not think it is acceptable that a generation are growing up believing that sex is a recreational activity and that unwanted pregnancies are just a by product of that that can be disposed of. This attitude is not only leading to more and more young women having stds, this in turn is affecting their fertility when they do actually want to settle down and start a family, it is also leading to massive emotional insecurities and a seeming inability for many couples to maintain any sort of long term relationship. I have a few friends whose marriages have failed who would say that they never really got over the loss of their first love etc. My parents taught us that sex was for within marriage. I married in my 30's and was a virgin until my wedding night, as were all 3 of my brothers. I think that being with a partner for whom you are both the first sexual partner is a fabulous foundation for any marriage and I will be teaching my children the same and explaining my rationale, whilst accepting that they will actually make their own choices in life and have to live with the consequences of them. I would not condone any bed sharing under my roof until my kids were in a long term committed relationship and I think my kids would understand and respect that because they know that is what we believe to be right.

giles

The "i met this girl 2 hours ago and now i want to shag her" bit is what i am trying to avoid

I figure giving a timescale avoids that, but like i say it hasnt happened yet so who knows really

But sex is an important part of forming that relationship.

If the sex is lousy surely its better to find out sooner rather than later???

I dunno rufus

Sometimes theres alot to be said for not having to put up with someone for more than a night

You can't stop a pair of 17 year olds from having sex.

However, I think it is reasonable to stipulate that the relationship must be fairly well established before you are comfortable with the girlfriend staying over in your house (whether this be a few weeks, or a few months).

There are plenty of parents who would be quite happy to have their DC's long-term partner over to stay, but wouldn't be comfortable with hosting a series of one night stands or brief flings. I don't think that this is particularly puritanical.

giles

Good point well made

No snoring.

Bliss

I wouldn't allow it. And I don't think that finding out whether or not the sex is good is an important part of forming a relationship. Relationship first, sex later.

I'm nowhere near that stage with my DC, but I'd be OK with boy/girlfriends staying over once I knew him/her well enough.

But as a teenager, I snuck around because there was no way in hell my mum would be OK with it. Or she'd walk in on us.

I'd be surprised if your son hasn't considered that.

I really wish I had handled my teenage relationships differently and not jumped into bed so quickly. The fact that my parents were very 'liberal' made me feel I was behaving normally, but now I really wish I had waited. vdbfamily your story and experience is amazing and it's the version of relationships I wish I had had and would aspire to for my dc. I have spoken to teen ds about safe sex etc, but also about relationships and waiting and respect. The only way a newish gf would be allowed to stay over would be on the sofa and only then for logistical reasons.

I was happy for my DC to have their BFs/GFs stay over once they had been in a relationship for a while and when they were at least 16 1/2'ish. I don't won't casual flings staying over. It's my house and I get to say what goes.

It really doesn't bother me what they get up to in a happy healthy relationship but I wonder how I would be if I disliked one of their partners or thought the relationship wasn't healthy. I suspect I might not be quite so 'cool'

My DH is more conservative than I am and if he had not been ok with the kids partners sleeping over then the kids would have had to wait. I don't see that it's a big deal to not allow sleepovers if they make you feel uncomfortable or if you have religious objections. You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

I think the argument that its pointless not to allow them to sleep together in your home as they will only sleep together elsewhere is daft. I don't allow all sorts of things in my house that my DC may or may not do out of the home - things such as drugs, porn, swearing, grand theft auto etc. It's my home and I get to call the shots.

BTW I did have a 'talk' with all my kids. I obviously didn't need to give them any information about how to have sex or prevent pregnancy but I did want to double check with each of them that they were being VERY VERY VERY careful about contraception.

My DC have all had lovely partners. I like getting to know them.

I also didn't shy away from telling one of my DC that they were a bit noisy. It was as much as I could do not to laugh but I've never heard anything since - thank goodness.

My house my rules. A 17 year old may still be at school & they've been together two minutes. Wouldn't happen in my house with my consent.

While you can't stop them shagging like bunnies you can make the rules for your own home.

I would be questioning what kind of family she is from that her parents let her go off with a boy she has been going out with for 2 weeks.

This on page 3 written by Marge is what prompted my response, which was tetchy but I don't think "vile"!
This attitude stinks. Blame the girl, what sort of family, keep your knickers on, you mustn't do that-or enjoy it!
It is antiquated and Victorian. You're entitled to that opinion, but it is thank goodness, on the way out. And for good reason.
Keep women where they belong, eh?
No, everyone doesn't have to agree to having or allowing their kids to have sex in their house. Lots of different opinions on here, no right or wrong, your house your rules.
But that is very different to what Marge said, and I really hate that stance.

I was 15 and my fiancé was 16 his dad didn't like me staying over because of the age but his mum was fine with it we were respectful and quiet if we did do anything...5 years later were still together ahh

My DD was 11 when she asked me how old she had to be before she could have sex. (yes, we had had 'the talk' as she had hit puberty by then)

Without taking a breath, I immediately replied "35". We had a giggle, and then talked seriously about it all. I informed her that the legal age was 16, but that in my opinion it came down to not age, but maturity. We talked about all the other stuff that comes with DTD. How it's not just all the fun and excitement, but the responsibilities that go along with it.

When you can comfortably and confidently say no as well as yes.
When you are mature enough to go see a Dr about birth control.
When you feel comfortable going to a health clinic to get STD tested.
When you could cope with being a parent. etc etc

We talked for hours over the next few days, and then she dropped that subject and started on global warming, or anti smoking, or something else of lesser importance than sex. (joking)

Over the years, she had many, many friends stay overnight. Both boys and girls, in groups or one at a time. Our home was always full of teens, and I always made them all welcome. (maybe because my friends never were)
She met her "first" when she was 16, and they waited until she was nearly 18. My point? Not sure really, but sleeping together isn't always all about sex.

Our son is 17 and his girlfriend also 17 stays over at our house. When she stayed over initially after they'd been together a few weeks she slept on the sofa bed in the study but we kept catching him sneaking out in the early hours of the morning. It was all a bit of a farce so we replaced his single bed with a double in his bedroom and they sleep there together. She's a lovely girl from a nice family and has become very much part of our family now - she calls us her second parents. They are both mature, hard working, with a mutually respectful relationship and we love having them both around - maybe we might be considered too liberal but we knew they would find places/ ways to have sex and would rather they were doing it somewhere safe and with privacy.

This may be a record but my father informed me with great pride than when my older brother and his fiancee stayed with them a month or so before their wedding, that he had - of course - put them in separate rooms, because it wouldn't be right for them to be sharing a bedroom. My brother would have been 37 at the time.

I absolutely see the urge to (try and) help teenagers not get embroiled in some of the negative consequences and complications of relationships.

But sometimes there's a kind of twisted pleasure in using whatever power one has over younger people.

I think the point about unwanted pregnancy is really important - however careful both partners are (and you often read this happening to adults here on Mumsnet) people can get pregnant even though they think they are only engaging in recreational sex.

If your child is mature enough to be having sex then you have to consider the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy. I have more than one friend bringing up an 'unplanned' grandchild due to contraception failures. The young people involved were unable or unwilling to bring up the child themselves but still went ahead with the pregnancy. Much sadness all round . Of course young people will still find a way to have sex - but by condoning it in your house you do need to think about possible consequences. IYSWIM.