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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to let DS sleep with his girlfriend in our house..yet.. but when?

221 replies

Doingmybestmum · 20/07/2016 16:42

DS is 17 and so is his girlfriend (who is v lovely). She stayed over a while ago and he ended up in her bed - I don't think anything happened but I wasn't best pleased. They have been together for 2 weeks. AIBU and old fashioned? When is enough time passed? Any thoughts would be gratefully received... thanks.

OP posts:

blindsider · 20/07/2016 17:30

If her parents have asked them not to share you need to respect that IMO

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 20/07/2016 17:31

17 year old brought random bloke back we had never met and spent the night with him.

Fucking hell. I'd have been skinned alive.

How the other half live.

Eatthecake · 20/07/2016 17:31

My eldest is now 20 but has had girls stay over since he was 17 (at 17 he had the same girlfriend 1 year) but he knows girlfriends only No one night stands in my home and his always respected that.

I did have a sex safe talk with him about 15, the high sti rate among young people so I wanted to make sure he bloody well knew to use a condom and I always spoke to him about when somebody says I'm on the pill condoms are his best bet to stop pregnancy unless with a partner for a long time that you completely trust.
He went to his dad at 17 and asked him for condoms it might not sound cool for a young lad to do that but I am glad I had a ds that listened to our safe sex talk.
IMO you can not rely on schools to educate children about safe sex

margewiththebluehair · 20/07/2016 17:31

Is there no-one left in this country that thinks sex is for marriage?

Personally I would not let her sleep over at all.

And when she sleeps over - in another room on another floor.

I would be questioning what kind of family she is from that her parents let her go off with a boy she has been going out with for 2 weeks.

Even when my best friend visited with her boyfriend - they had separate rooms. They respected my sensibilities. I expect the same of my son.

It is not about your son - it is about you and the rules you want to establish. What he does behind your back is his business - but you don't want to be encouraging it. That makes you a reckless mother.

WorraLiberty · 20/07/2016 17:32

If it's only been two weeks, what do you mean by 'she stayed over a while ago'?

Surely you mean last week or something?

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/07/2016 17:33

Great so get married then discover you arent sexually compatible...

No thanks.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 20/07/2016 17:33

Are you religious, OP? Or do you just feel it's too soon at two weeks - small blame to you there, imho - and that you'd be more willing to reconsider the set up 6 months from now?

Not that it matters a fig what your reasons are really. Your house, your roolz, as they say.

Eatthecake · 20/07/2016 17:34

marge a lot of people don't ever get married these days so do they never have sex

I am married but I had sex and even a child long before we wed, sex is to be enjoyed by two consenting people IMO

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 20/07/2016 17:35

Is there no-one left in this country that thinks sex is for marriage?

Yeah, my ma. And most of her pals.

PortiaCastis · 20/07/2016 17:36

I had a child then got married then got divorced so am I supposed to be celibate?

MarianneSolong · 20/07/2016 17:37

I think if it's legal for two young people to sleep together you can't really police things on behalf of her parents.

If your son likes her, and you're basically happy about the relationship, I think the most prudent course is just to let them get on with things - as long as you're not being kept awake by lovers' rows, orgasmic screaming etc etc.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/07/2016 17:37

It seems the height of hypocrisy for people to say you don't want them sleeping together in your house but you're not bothered if they do it elsewhere.

PortiaCastis · 20/07/2016 17:39

Yes and random blokes are someone's sons

Goingtobeawesome · 20/07/2016 17:39

I was never allowed (foster kid) as they expected me to get knocked up. I tried not to laugh when their birth son got a local girl pregnant when a teenager. Decades later they were together about five minutes. I'm married with kids coming afterwards.

EdmundCleverClogs · 20/07/2016 17:41

Is there no-one left in this country that thinks sex is for marriage

Why would they, honestly? Sex should not be seen as taboo or only for those who have gone through some odd ceremony. It's making it 'wrong' that has casused many unnecessary issues over many years (of course, there are still those who use it as a weapon, but that's extreme cases). No one should dictate to those who chose to have sex, her parents haven't the right, neither does the op. You are better off respecting that they can/will have sex regardless and lay down rules to respect the family home (no noise, always fully clothed around the house, bedroom door shut etc), than stick fingers in ears and pretend your children are still innocent little flowers.

A1Sharon · 20/07/2016 17:41

Marge take your outdated, antiquated notions and bugger off back to Victorian times.
The world has moved on-thank goodness.
I genuinely,genuinely am so glad that people like you are becoming the tiny minority.

Memoires · 20/07/2016 17:42

I wouldn't be comfortable with it, either, but you have to take it on the chin. Either she goes home every night (you or your dh drive her) and they're not allowed in the bedroom at all together ever, or you let them get on with it.

My mum was a devout Catholic and her rule was that my bro's gf could stay but she slept in the room furthest from his, 2 floors away. He just crept up there late and crept back down early. She had a reason though, even if it was mad Catholicism.

Make sure he knows about contraception, and always uses a condom even if she's on the pill.

Anna275 · 20/07/2016 17:42

Why does it have to be about sex at all? Just don't allow house guests unless you approve it ahead of time. I'm only in my late 20s so it wasn't so long ago that I was in my teens. I don't remember any of my friends ever staying over at each other's houses just because they felt like it, let alone sleeping at their boyfriend/girlfriend's house. It only ever happened on one off occasions that were planned in advance, like if you were going somewhere very early in the morning and it made more sense logistically. Other than when we were pre-teens having slumber parties of course. Who wants to constantly have house guests to entertain? Your home isn't a hostel.

It was annoying enough when I lived with flatmates and they slowly move their partners in until they basically never left. But that was in a share house. I can't imagine always having guests in my own home. You deserve some peace and quiet and to have the space to yourself if you wish. You don't need any other reason.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 20/07/2016 17:43

So happy my little boy is only four ( though already has quite a few girls at nursery buzzing around him - he's incredibly handsome and that's not mummy-bias). For the record, I was 17 when I first DTD - totally smitten, we were going to be together forever....I guess my point is that it's going to happen at SOME point ( if it hasn't already) & it's not the worse thing in the world! ( provided you've had the convo about safe sex etc)...

3rdrockfromthesun · 20/07/2016 17:47

Sit them both done and talk about the birds and the bees and demonstrate the best way to put on a condom. Also inform son that if he gets the gf pregnant you will not be paying for it. Otherwise set house rules about clothes on whilst walking around the house and noise control

zzzzz · 20/07/2016 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PortiaCastis · 20/07/2016 17:48

My Mum has remarried as my Dad died and before she married again she plus new Dad stayed with me. Now he was noisy and I thought they would come through the wall. Worse hearing your Mum at it than your dd I think

LuluJakey1 · 20/07/2016 17:50

DH and I met when we were 29. MIL gave us separate rooms until we got engaged 6 months later. 'Now you're on a formal footing'

sashh · 20/07/2016 17:55

Is there no-one left in this country that thinks sex is for marriage?

No.

We are not Victorian. Victorians did a good thing by raising the age of consent from 13-16 but an awful lot of damage.

Virgin brides were a privilege of the rich before then, for most people the reality was you needed children to survive so brides were usually pregnant.

If you look at records of poor laws in the 1800s money was often paid for a wedding where a couple had an illegitimate child, partly because it was a relatively expensive process and more probably because it meant hte mother couldn't claim poor relief for the illigitimate child.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/07/2016 17:56

Sit them both done and talk about the birds and the bees and demonstrate the best way to put on a condom.

This one's a joke, right?

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