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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to let DS sleep with his girlfriend in our house..yet.. but when?

221 replies

Doingmybestmum · 20/07/2016 16:42

DS is 17 and so is his girlfriend (who is v lovely). She stayed over a while ago and he ended up in her bed - I don't think anything happened but I wasn't best pleased. They have been together for 2 weeks. AIBU and old fashioned? When is enough time passed? Any thoughts would be gratefully received... thanks.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 21/07/2016 08:06

It isn't "condoning it" though. That makes it sound like they won't have sex if you don't give it your seal of approval.

I agree with the unwanted pregnancy bit though. One of DS (17)'s friends became a dad in April of this year. I reminded DS that if he got a girl pregnant, his view about whether to have the child or not would be irrelevant. It would be the girlfriend's decision only. And he would be the baby's dad for the rest of his life. He has seen first hand how his complicated friends' lives have become, and how many doors have closed for them because they've become parents so young.

Original poster
Doingmybestmum · 21/07/2016 10:10

Thanks all. I didn't have to do much as DS came to me and said that they are going to wait for a while - get her on the pill etc. He is 18 soon and v sensible. My DD's boyfriend (now of 4 years) had the sense to sneak back to the sofa before the alarm went off but they learned the hard way about the failure rate of condoms. Re his girlfriend's parents they have strong religious beliefs that I don't share, but that I entirely respect. I am going to suggest to DS that he talks to his gf and that she speaks to her mum - if she wants to. We will be meeting them soon, so we shall see. One thing I have learned over the (difficult) years of having teens is not to betray their trust, so this is going to be interesting! Thanks for all of your thoughts - good luck with your DDs and DSs when the time comes xxx

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 21/07/2016 10:30

get her on the pill etc

I hope he didn't actually say those words OP!

MarianneSolong · 21/07/2016 10:43

Currently feeling rather sorry for both the young people concerned.

The young woman with her religious parents, and vaguely anxious boyfriend's mother, who is shortly to be 'got on the pill'. The young man whose sexual prowess/lack of prowess has now been shared with the world of Mumsnet.

No, it isn't easy being the parent of older teenagers - so I do sympathise with the dilemmas. (My own daughter is in her late teens and I have young adult stepchildren.) . But I am so very very glad the internet wasn't around when I was in my teens....!

Diamogs · 21/07/2016 10:59

vdbfamily Wed 20-Jul-16 20:33:47

I personally do not think it is acceptable that a generation are growing up believing that sex is a recreational activity

But sex is a recreational activity.

3awesomestars · 21/07/2016 17:33

My daughter is 18, she has been with her boyfriend about two years and I let him stay in her room after they had been together three months.
I think that is the benchmark I would use for the future, that way there is not a succession of newbies staying over - not that I think that would happen but I think you have to have some limits and three months felt right to me.

Ladyrattlesuk · 21/07/2016 17:34

Kids will find a way. With my first boyfriend our parents didn't allow us in bedrooms without the door open, so we had to be intimate out of the house.

dansmum · 21/07/2016 17:35

I think you need to talk to both your son and the gf. Tell them you are uncomfortable with them spending the night together under your roof when they've been together such a short time. You shoul be able to have an adult conversation with both young people over a cup of tea...explain how you feel about their intimacy in your home and see what ideas they have to respect your home and reassure you. They and you can have a talk about what is Ok..or not. Different families have different ideas. You are acknowledging their developing relationship and being supportive...if they are in YOUR home..they agree to your rules. It can be a friendly discussion about how all of you can get along together rather than " you will not....". Start with open discussion but dont be afraid to say wha makes you uncomfortable. If they are inconsiderate..tell them. Much better to be open and honest!

Original poster
Doingmybestmum · 21/07/2016 17:39

I didn't mention anything to do with "prowess" shudders

OP posts:
elenafrancesca · 21/07/2016 17:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Iggi999 · 21/07/2016 17:45

Dos the girl even want to have sex? It isn't an essential part of a teenage relationship. Has everyone forgotten how to snog?!

Ifeelsuchafool · 21/07/2016 17:51

I have 3 dc now 25, 23 and 21. I sat them each down at 15 and explained my, "house rules". No sleeping with partners under my roof before the age of 16 obviously as would be encouraging them to break the law. Between 16 and 18 I required it to be a relationship of at least 6 months duration so no one night stands or fwb arrangements. From 18 do as you wish but I don't wish to hear it!
I don't doubt that some activity did go on elsewhere under 16 and with people who weren't official partners but they knew the ground rules at home and observed them. Having the conversation in advance took the awkwardness and embarrassment out if the situation. Everyone knew exactly where they stood. The dc have all said to me that they understood the message I was trying to get across and that they appreciated the frankness.

Original poster
Doingmybestmum · 21/07/2016 17:52

She's staying again tomorrow night. We shall see...

OP posts:
RosasBitch · 21/07/2016 18:02

It is your house so your rules but just because they aren't allowed to sleep together in your house or her parents' house doesn't necessarily mean they arent going to be sleeping together somewhere. Wouldn't you rather it was somewhere they wouldn't get into any trouble like your house?

Gklak · 21/07/2016 18:06

Wasn't too impressed or happy when my daughter brought her boyfriend home to sleep in my house at 17/18 years old. Especially as his parents seemed OK with this. However they are now very happily married and I have two beautiful granddaughters.

Wellifyouaskme · 21/07/2016 18:12

It depends upon you, and only you. If you are not comfortable with them having sex in your home then they should respect that. Regardless, do 17 year olds really have that kind of relationship, other than in silly tv shows and novels? My son is nearly 17 and has zero interest in a relationship with a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, come to that.

Louise2092 · 21/07/2016 18:13

I was with my ex from age 16-20 and we often stayed at each others house on the weekends. His parents didn't mind us sharing a room but it took my mum a while to get used to it in my house.

After about a month of being a couple she said that whatever we did was our business as long as it didn't affect anyone else in the house and they didn't have to hear it (thin walls).

The thought of my parengs hearing us put me off for a few months but my mum did give me condoms to make sure i was safe which was thoughtful and mortifying.

Maybe tell him its ok as they are adults as long as no one else hears about it and throw in some condoms for added effect.

PortiaCastis · 21/07/2016 18:17

Of course 17 year olds have that kind of relationship, dd and her bf have been together over a year.

Splandy · 21/07/2016 18:25

Just don't humiliate them by being involved in their sex lives. My mom looked up my boyfriends parents phone number in the directory when I was seventeen, only ten years ago. She called her to tell her that I was not allowed to sleep over. And to give me a curfew, by which time I had to leave her house. They are overly religious and forced it onto me for my entire childhood. It just meant we had sex before I left or went elsewhere to do it.

I fell pregnant at nineteen and my parents blamed my boyfriend's mom for allowing me to sleep over with the door closed... They actually said those words to me as though I was some silly little child who was incapable of making my own choices. Not an adult at university, as I was at the time.

When I told my mom that I was pregnant with my second child last year, her first response was... 'And was it planned?'. I'm married and in my late twenties with an eight year old. Their controlling attitude towards my sexuality made me feel humiliated for years.

phoenix1973 · 21/07/2016 18:25

If they're not doing it in your house, Lord knows where they are doing it. For sure, they are doing it somewhere. It is legal. My mates put up a tent in the back garden for their teenage daughter and boyfriend to stay the night. 😂
It was the only compromise he could think of.

falange · 21/07/2016 18:28

I wouldn't have allowed it. It's disrespectful and rude to do it without asking you anyway. Don't care that people say they'll be at it like rabbits anyway. Find somewhere else. Not my house with someone you've only known a very short time.

Iggi999 · 21/07/2016 18:36

for sure, they are doing it somewhere
I disagree, it is no beyond the bounds of possibility that two weeks into a relationship no sex has happened - or two months.
The pressure on girls to have sex must be enormous if we think that agreeing to go out with someone must mean having sex. And the pressure on boys to live up to this virile image - what if they don't want to?

MsJudgemental · 21/07/2016 18:40

My son and his girlfriend are both 16, been seeing each other properly for only a couple of months (got together in the middle of their GCSEs) but go to the same school and have been skyping / playing online games together for a long time. We let her stay in his room and her parents let him stay in her room. He is over at her's tonight. They are in obviously in love, hold hands, go for long walks, watch the sun set together, go out for dinner, etc. They are both sensible, high-achieving academically with ambitions for the future and know all about issues to do with consent and contraception. If they are both above the age of consent and discreet, what is the problem? Would you rather your son was having a fumble in parks and bus shelters or random people's houses late at night instead of safely in his own home? Your son is 17, old enough to get a job, married with your consent and get his head blown off in Afghanistan. As long as he and his girlfriend show respect to you and the rest of the household and behave sensibly, I think showing him trust will help his emotional development and improve your relationship as adults.

Zbag14 · 21/07/2016 18:44

Do not ring the poor girls parents she's not a 5 year old at a sleep over!

He's 17. Let it go.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 21/07/2016 18:45

Holy crap! Have I fallen into some kind of timewarp back to the 1960s???