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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want people to ask me about TTC?

13 replies

Wibblewobble100 · 15/07/2016 19:44

I know the collective wisdom is not to ask couples if they are planning a family or having another, but actually I really want my friends to ask, and give me some support....
We have been TTC number 2 for 6 months with no success. DC 1 was conceived first month. I know it's not long at all in real terms but each months leaves me sadder and more frustrated. I have dropped as many hints as I can to try and open up a conversation and I would love for someone to pick up on it and say "oh so have you been trying for a little while then?" And let me talk it out, but so far no go...
That's all really...anyone else in a similar place?

OP posts:

ConfuciousSayWhat · 15/07/2016 19:46

How old are you and with your friends and family are they likely to either be having problems themselves or not want children yet at all?

Yanbu to want to talk about it but yabu to expect people to enquire about your sex life (I say this as someone who has been ttc for 3+ years)

BertieBotts · 15/07/2016 19:55

The thing is if you ask most people they say the exact opposite - that they don't want people to ask because they don't want to talk about it IRL! So I think it's unlikely anyone will take any hints for fear of offending you.

You could try asking people how long it took them to conceive their second child, if you know them well enough. Or if you have any friends who are pregnant now or recently had babies, it can be more acceptable to ask them as it's in their fairly recent past. Same for if someone seems to be at the typical age of DC1 that they might be trying for DC2.

Are you breastfeeding DC1? That seems to be a very socially acceptable way to open up a conversation about how hard/easy others found it. Or just when you next see a close friend and they ask how you are you just say "Well I'm a bit frustrated actually because we've been trying to get pregnant for six months and it hasn't happened yet."

I think I recognise your name from the conception boards on here unless I'm mixing you up with somebody else. But online support can be good too, though it's not the same.

MollyTwo · 15/07/2016 19:55

Yabu, people can't win either way can they. If you ask its offensive, if you don't ask then people want you to anyway it really is something personal so not sure why you want people to ask.

29redshoes · 15/07/2016 20:47

I think it's a bit of a minefield and most people think it's more polite not to ask.

Personally I loved talking about TTC and I'm sure I will if/when we try for another. But I'd still be nervous about asking a friend about it unless I was 100% sure they were comfortable with it.

I guess all you can do is make it really explicit that you want to talk about it, rather than dropping hints?

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 15/07/2016 20:54

I'd never ever ask. Too much risk of really upsetting someone. Would happily listen and talk about it if the person brought it up (not just hinted about it) but would never ask just in case

Floggingmolly · 15/07/2016 20:57

It's not something I'd ever dream of asking, personally. That I'm not particularly interested in other people's family planning is only part of it...
If you need to share, you can't expect anyone to sense this without a few clues.

2rebecca · 15/07/2016 20:57

To me TTC just means "we are having sex without using contraception". I never thought of it as something to "discuss", plus a lot of evidence shows too much "trying" is counterproductive and that the best thing is just regular sex and stop fretting, until you decide you need to see the fertility clinic.

LillyBugg · 15/07/2016 21:00

I'm in the same position. Conceived dc1 third cycle, I'm now six months in trying for number two and I'm on cycle 8. But. I don't really want people to ask. I've told a few people though, if you want to talk about it you need to just bring it up rather than drop hints. I would say it's quite socially unacceptable to ask so even dropping hints isn't really going to work. Pick a friend and just bring it up!

PotteringAlong · 15/07/2016 21:06

You're going to have to mention it. No one will openly walk into a conversation about your sex life.

BertieBotts · 15/07/2016 21:42

There is literally no evidence to show that too much input into TTC is counterproductive. How could it be? Unless you mean in terms of stressing people out, which it can. But that goes for anything.

DoJo · 15/07/2016 21:58

Why are you dropping hints instead of just bringing it up? You are effectively trying to get people to ask you about your sex life, which is unlikely to yield results, whereas coming out and saying it is an entirely different prospect.
Good luck with your quest for a second.

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2016 22:01

Why don't you just say to them, "Can I talk to you about this"

altiara · 16/07/2016 09:39

Yes you are BU !
But as lots of people are saying - you can talk to your friends but really don't expect anyone to pick up on hints. Too many people TTC hate anyone asking about such personal information so generally you don't go there.

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