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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or rather, was I being TOO reasonable?

37 replies

Doradolittle · 15/07/2016 13:55

DD is 4. Had end of term prize giving and she, surprisingly, got awarded a trophy for achievement or something.
But when it came to pick up time a very upset teacher came up and said she feels awful but DD wasn't supposed to have got it and could they have the trophy back please.
I laughed it off as it seemed such a ridiculous mistake and they seemed so mortified.
But now I think I should have made more fuss and insisted that we kept it and that they should find another trophy to give to the 'real' winner.
Have I let my DD down by not being more cross about it?

OP posts:
Modestandatinybitsexy · 15/07/2016 14:00

It depends how DD felt and reacted. It's a bit unfair but that's life. Did you treat her to something after?

reallyanotherone · 15/07/2016 14:05

Buy her another trophy?

Do they mean she wasn't supposed to have won the award, or that the trophy was handed over when it was just supposed to be a certificate or something?

If it's a perpetual trophy, as in it's given out, kept for a year, and handed back for next years winner, then no, you shouldn't have kept it.

I'd find a trophy shop, get it engraved with the award she won, and let her keep that.

user1468488303 · 15/07/2016 14:08

I would have said no, you cannot have the trophy back. You don't present a young child with an award with trophy and then take it back, you just don't.

Original poster
Doradolittle · 15/07/2016 14:10

I told DD that they were keeping it to engrave her name on. And am hoping she'll have forgotten about it soon. She was pretty sad but luckily didn't see that the other children could take their trophy home.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 15/07/2016 14:43

I think yabu to lie about it. I would have told her it was a mistake and got her a treat to help with the disappointment. The school were being v v v unreasonable to take an award back off a 4 yo though. They should've found a little prize or something for the other child.

dowhatnow · 15/07/2016 14:47

Get a similar one and get it engraved for her but yes you were too reasonable. It wasn't fair to your DD to have to give it back.

If she was older I'd maybe try to explain and not lie etc, but 4 is too little to understand an older child should't have to pay for a schools mistake either

Witchend · 15/07/2016 14:50

I think you handled it very well. Telling her it's gone to have her name engraved on it sounds lovely, no point telling her she shouldn't have got it. Could you afford to go down and get a small one or something, or better (at that age) a little medal with her name on? And tell her the cups weren't for keeping but she gets a medal to keep?

I think the nursery should have offered to do that really.

I think those saying don't give it back also need to think there's potentially another upset child here, who didn't even get to go up and be awarded it.

Very difficult one to sort out.

However: 4yos! Cup for achievement! Really think at that age they shouldn't be doing that. Give them all a cup for something and then they can't make mistakes.

ITCouldBeWorse · 15/07/2016 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EreniTheFrog · 15/07/2016 15:44

Buy her another one, I agree.

pigsDOfly · 15/07/2016 16:02

Think it's a pretty poor show to give a small child something and immediately take it back again. How confusing for her and very mean imo.

And giving a 4 year old a trophy - was it a cup? - for achievement is a bit ott. What the hell can a 4 year old achieve that warrants a trophy?

OnlyEatsToast · 15/07/2016 16:06

I think it's awful that your DD misses out because of their mistake! I would have read them the riot act and got THEM to sort it out - not your error to rectify!!! However, I think you thought fast on your feet with the 'engraving' mistake - but you must buy her another one to replace it!!

Original poster
Doradolittle · 15/07/2016 16:12

Well exactly - it was such an arbitrary award (maybe the 'real' winner IS a child genius and wrote an excellent essay at 4) that I didn't take it too seriously at the time.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 15/07/2016 16:13

Oh and forgot to say, think you dealt with it very well.

Making a fuss about it in from of your DD would have drawn her attention to the fact that it wasn't mean for her and made the situation worse.

Agree with pps buy her one of her own and have it engraved. Award it to her for her reasonable behaviour under intense pressure :) A lot of 4 year old would would not have been happy if a prize that they had just received had been taken back again so quickly.

ThinkPinkStink · 15/07/2016 16:13

I don't really know whether the school/nursery should have taken the trophy back, or left it with your DD, in fact I don't think it really matters so long as DD everything was explained in a nice, kind, age-relevant way.

The only thing that struck me was this sentence:

"...Had end of term prize giving and she, surprisingly, got awarded a trophy for achievement or something."

Why were you so surprised that your daughter would be awarded a trophy for achievement (or something)?

Original poster
Doradolittle · 15/07/2016 16:18

Surprised because she is in kindergarten and I wasn't expecting any prizes for children so young. They can just about write their names and so an academic achievement (or however it was worded) prize seemed a bit OTT for her cohort.

OP posts:
RedHareWithBlondeHair · 15/07/2016 16:21

Buy her a trophy and complain to school. Cause a racket about how your dd feels bereft.

Cherylene · 15/07/2016 16:23

www.trophystore.co.uk/school-awards

You can pick one up for not much money Smile

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 15/07/2016 16:28

I guess I am alone in saying that I think lies and replacement trophies are a fool's folly.

The school made a mistake. Sometimes mistakes make people feel upset. Children, even at 4, need to learn that sometimes things happen that are out of our control that are upsetting.

Then again, I think that "cap and gown" ceremonies for finishing a year of school (or worse, preschool) are insane, too.

The earlier children learn that the world isn't fair and things need to be worked hard for the better they will be set up for life.

LockedOutOfMN · 15/07/2016 16:35

I agree with those who say to buy her a replacement trophy.

Is she going back to the nursery in September? I presume not given her age and that there has just been a prize-giving ceremony. I would say cut your losses and don't bother complaining.

Original poster
Doradolittle · 15/07/2016 16:39

Yes she's going back - the nursery is attached to the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doradolittle · 15/07/2016 16:41

But I'm sure it'll all be forgotten about by September.

OP posts:
LockedOutOfMN · 15/07/2016 16:48

Thanks for clarifying, OP. Personally, I would maintain the good relationship with the school (who are probably extremely grateful that you didn't make a fuss) as, whilst they did potentially upset your daughter, you can avert that by buying her a replacement trophy or medal or something else. If she had been upset as a result of their actions, then I would say complain, but as this didn't happen then my own reaction would be to chalk this one up to experience and hope it was a one off. I am sure they felt very guilty about the error. If you were to complain, there is not much they can do now and it would potentially sour your relationship.

pictish · 15/07/2016 16:50

What if she does remember though? Telling her they had taken it to get her name engraved on it was risky wasn't it?
If she remembers you'll have to tell her you lied to prevent her from asking about it at school which would be embarrassing for her and the school who won't know what she's talking about.

Would have been far easier to tell her the truth at the time.

pictish · 15/07/2016 16:52

P.s My kids would all have looked forward to getting their trophy back with their name on it. No way would they have forgotten about it.

EarthboundMisfit · 15/07/2016 16:57

That's disgraceful! They should have left the trophy with her and given another one to the other child. Your poor DD!