I dont think IABU, but I need to check!

[Bogeyface]

Went on hols last year with eldest (18) and youngest (5) DD. YDD is my husbands, EDD is from my ex. The middle kids went on hols with ex but she preferred to come with us. All good, not bad feelings anywhere.

This year she wanted to come with us again. So I book. She then takes a 6 week job over the period we will be away (1 week), I remind her of this and she is fine about it saying she had checked with them and it was fine. She "self employed" (but not really, dont get me started on the employer avoidance shit they are pulling), so there wasnt a hell of a lot they could say.

It now turns out that she didnt say anything and anyway, has changed her mind so she says, she wants to work that week to get extra savings. I am not happy but I said fine, as long as she pays me back the difference it cost to pay for her to come with us, as without her we would have booked a smaller apartment. As it is, YDD will share with us and we will have 1 bedroom sat there empty. I have checked and it is too late for us to downgrade as the 1 beds are all booked up. We go a week on Saturday FFS!

She is kicking off big style saying that the money it has cost (£150) is a weeks wages so either way she will be down that money. I asked why she thought it was ok that I should be out that amount and she cant come up with a reason why except that she wants me to take the hit and not her.

She is 19 next week, off to Uni soon and I said that she needs to take the consequences of her actions. She isnt a child and I said that the freedom to make your own decisions also includes the freedom to deal with your own fuck ups.

I have said that either she comes with us or she pays me the £150, no other options. I should add that her Uni doesnt start until March as it is an NHS course, so she has another job starting mid/late August until end Feb in order to get some savings, this isnt her only earning possibility.

I think that's fair, can you ask her to set up a DIrect debit to you for £25 a month for 6 months instead so it's not a lump sum?

I could but I am not sure that I will tbh.

By doing that I dont think that message is as clear. She will be getting £900 when she comes home, I dont think expecting her to pay it in a lump sum is unreasonable and the hurt of doing that should make the point! She isnt spending any of her earnings as they are living out in the middle of nowhere with everything covered, so she has no living costs.

Saying that, she did have some costs such as equipment she needed, but I paid for that without a word or any expectation of her paying me back, which makes it feel even more of a smack in the mouth.

Yanbu. You double checked with her that she was ok to go and she said yes. If she was going away with friends she would not be able to pull this stunt.

I would probably reduce it to £100 or £75 just to be nice but there is no way I would be taking the whole hit. It's a valuable lesson in the long run for her and a mistake she won't be making again

I would think the exact same as you, but I would probably take 100 as a compromise. Yes it still unfair you will be down 50, but personally I wouldn't want her working a week for essentially nothing (even though I agree it would be entirely her own fault).
Personally 100 would be enough to make my point without hopefully having a long row about it.

Sounds like you're doing the right things OP. As you say, she's not a child and needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

I see why your annoyed, I would be too. I would also make sure she understood that this wasn't acceptable behaviour and in future if she says she's going to do something and doesn't she will need to cover the costs.

But I wouldn't make her pay, my view would be that I would have paid it anyway so will work out cheaper her not being there -extra food/drinks etc that all add up quite quick.

I see the point about it being a weeks wages, but money is very tight for us. A weeks holiday in the UK takes a lot of doing. We have had a rough few years since H first got made redundant and only now is the light at the end of tunnel even visible! So £150 is money that I had to work hard to get and the fact that she feels its ok to just write it off without a second thought really makes me cross.

I dont think she appreciates how hard it is for us to pay for treats like this, so asking her to pay the full amount may hopefully drive that message home.

I will think about it though.

I did after hitting send think actually the OP has more than likely had to work hard for this money too!

So It casts a completely different light Bogey if you are going through financial difficulties, my mum was a single parent and took us on holiday when I was just about to go off to uni and that would have been a lot of money for her to waste.

Ok now I'm completely on the fence :)

YANBU. If it was me I'd make her pay but fully explain why even though I am surprised she doesn't get it. If she pays up with reasonably good grace Id then give her some back. If not she gets nothing. As so many people say at 19 she's an adult and presumably wants to be treated as such.

As so many people say at 19 she's an adult and presumably wants to be treated as such.

I suspect that she is at that delightful point where she is legally an adult and can do as she pleases, whilst also wanting all the benefits of being a child. And sadly, you cant have it both ways, not in my house anyway!

She's 19, you checked with her, she lied to you (if I am reading correctly). It's her own fault. Make her pay up.

YANBU! You are doing exactly the right thing and I wouldn't let her pay in installments either. She will have the money, she just doesn't want to part with it. She can't dick you about and expect you to suck up the cost, not at her age and when she is about to go to uni.

YANBU, better she learns that you can't just back out of holidays without consequences now from you than a couple of years down the line, and potentially falls out with friends over it. There have been so many threads on here from people whose friends have stiffed them over group holidays, and it usually dooms the friendship. So better now from you than later!

I know it's off the point, but wouldn't it make sense for youngest DD to use that room since it's there?

YANBU. She does need to face up to the consequences of her lack of planning, forethought and consideration. It will be a good lesson for her when she starts at university, let alone in life.

I have a RL example of how NOT making teens face up to their responsibilities and the consequences of their actions can go horribly wrong (not saying that this ONE instance would lead to the same situation, but you might as well start as you mean to go on!) - BIL is a 41yo unemployed (through choice) entitled layabout who expects his mother and/or brother to deal with his shit all the time, because that's what they've always done. And guess what - he gets away with it because that's still what they do.
STILL not saying that is what will happen with your DD, Bogey, because I don't for one minute think that you would let things get anything like as far as MIL did - but now's as good a point as any to start with the "you made your bed, now you have to lie on it" stuff.

YANBU! At 19 you need to be able to deal with the consequences of your actions and it's not fair that you are out of pocket.

Probably best that she doesn't come on the holiday now though as I can imagine she wouldn't be a bundle of laughs and might spoil it for the rest of you....

Thanks for the responses.

I do come across as a hard mother sometimes I am sure, but as PP have said, I would rather they learned the lessons from me than friends or jobs that they could lose.

I havent heard back yet, she says she will ring me again "later", but as she is supposed to be home for the weekend and I am picking her up tomorrow, she will have to call soon! I will let you know what she picks.

I know that she wont try to argue the point much more, she knows that what Ma says, Ma means :o

YANBU you checked with her twice - if she'd made the plan with friends she's have to cough up - life lesson to be learned I'm afraid - at her age she should be more empathetic to your situation too GL

wish I could have done that with dsc, cost me and my family hundreds of pounds when dsc 18 decided to come along then go back AFTER we had arrived!

Whirl really?! Did they pay for their own return journey or expect you to cough up? I dont know why I asked as I think I know the answer.....

The follow up conversation didnt go well tbh, I think she is still expecting me to suck it up on the basis that her having to sort it out herself is too much like hard work. She kept doing "convenient" maths, where she is several hundred pounds out of pocket, when in actual fact whether she comes with us or whether she stays there, she will still have exactly the same amount of money.

We will see what happens tomorrow