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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to get a vasectomy?

25 replies

Closetlibrarian · 13/07/2016 20:42

Name changed...

I'm 40, DH is 45. We have two DC, we don't want anymore children. DH wants to have a vasectomy. I think it's not a good idea because if something happens to me and he's widowed and he remarries someone younger than him then she'll want to have her own children with him.

Am I being bonkers U? He thinks I am. But while I'd be happy for him to have to take on the burden of contraception, I'm wobbly about him doing something so 'final' when who knows what the future holds.

OP posts:
bluebelle2662 · 13/07/2016 21:36

I think maybe a tiny bit bonkers.... You're definitely overthinking it!

applesvpears · 13/07/2016 21:37

He could always get it reversed if something dreadful like that happened!

expatinscotland · 13/07/2016 21:40

YABU

EveOnline2016 · 13/07/2016 21:40

I wanted more children DH didn't and he said he didn't want anymore with me or anyone else. He had the op done.

It was hard on me but after a while accepted it was his body and his choice to make.

I'm so glad he had it done now, especially as my Heath took a turn for the worst and struggle with the DC I do have.

Dogsmom · 13/07/2016 22:00

Yabu, although very thoughtful.

It's his body and you can't live your lives on what ifs.

Are you sure you're not using it as an excuse because you're worried about admitting you're not 100% certain about having a 3rd?

I'm in a very similar position regarding our ages, having 2 dd's and dh had a vasectomy, we both said we didn't want any more but there were definite pangs of sadness that it was the end of any chances of another.

fatbottomgirl67 · 13/07/2016 22:09

My mil said this to me when Dh had a vasectomy . She however said I should be sterilised . Dh said if anything happened to me he wanted to be here for the kids and put them first rather than have another family. His parents divorced and he has loads of half brothers and step brothers/ sisters it was a lovely thing to say and Made me love him just a little bit more❤️

Original poster
Closetlibrarian · 13/07/2016 22:13

fatbottom DH said a similar thing. He said even if he did remarry he wouldn't want more children, in part because he thinks it would be unfair on our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Closetlibrarian · 13/07/2016 22:15

Oh, and Dogs I'm certain I don't want anymore! But of course that doesn't mean that I'm not a bit wistful about never meeting my newborn DC again or getting tiny baby cuddles, etc. But we're happy with 2 and I don't think I could (or want to) cope, physically or mentally, with another pregnancy/ birth/ newborn baby.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/07/2016 22:24

I'd want him to be focused on the kids he's already got rather than planning more kids.

Dinah85 · 14/07/2016 11:06

Very thoughtful but if he is certain then overthinking things. If he was 30 I might be saying differently, but at 45 he may well think that he's ready to enjoy his children growing up and would never want to start all that again at 50/55/60.

VimFuego101 · 14/07/2016 11:12

You have put yourself through pregnancies and the risks associated with childbirth - he's offering to have a vasectomy which will (I think) be easier than you being sterilized. If you're happy with the pill/ coil and the small risk of getting pregnant using those, then fine, but otherwise I would take him up on it.

DixieNormas · 14/07/2016 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkheart5915 · 14/07/2016 11:19

Completely over thinking this!

It's his body so surely it's up to him, I am sure he has thought about if we would want more children if you broke up or he became widowed.

2016Hopeful · 14/07/2016 11:24

YABU. If my husband died I would want him to focus on our children not be starting a new family!!! They would need extra love and attention if I wasn't there not. Would be quite happy for him to move on romantically but I want my children put first!!!

pottymummy · 14/07/2016 11:28

He's 45. He wants to have one. You don't want more children. You ARE overthinking.

user1468488303 · 14/07/2016 11:28

You are putting the possible desires of a hypothetical future partner of your widowed DH over HIS own actual desires and his bodily autonomy?

Yes, you are being ridiculous.

TyrionLannistersShadow · 14/07/2016 11:29

My dh had it done at age 34 and his reasoning about that hypothetical situation was that he has 3 children, that will never change and he doesn't ever want any more that those 3 no matter what.

user1468488303 · 14/07/2016 11:29

If my husband died I would want him to focus on our children not be starting a new family!!!

I don't think he can do either if he's dead!

AButterflyLightsBesideUs · 14/07/2016 11:30

I think like this too. We are younger (30& 31) and I am pregnant for the 4th time with what will hopefully be our second child (two 2nd tri losses). I absolutely cannot do it again after this, emotionally or physically. I get pregnant ridiculously easily and conceived #3 on the minipill (can't take any oestrogen containing pills) so I am more than a bit stressed out about contraception for the future.

DH is concerned about the 10% risk of pain complications from a vasectomy and has said he's not certain he wants to take such a permanent step in case of being widowed in his 30s and meeting a second wife.

But female sterilisation is not anything like as reliable as vasectomy - something like 1 in 200 sterilised women will conceive.

I don't know what the answer is, but understand your reservations!

Scarydinosaurs · 14/07/2016 11:30

I think it is a little patronising to assume he doesn't know what he wants, and you do.

He has control over his own body and has the right to a vasectomy.

PridePrejudiceZombies · 14/07/2016 11:40

I think it's fine to not want him to get a vasectomy, but that doesn't sound like a very sensible reason.

He's balancing up the ability to have control of his fertility now, a definite benefit, with the small possibility that you might leave him a widower, he might meet someone else of childbearing age and he might then want more children even though he currently feels he wouldn't. His argument sounds like the much more realistic and sensible one, tbh.

user1468488303 · 14/07/2016 11:46

DH is concerned about the 10% risk of pain complications from a vasectomy

It's much more lower than that with the newer methods.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 14/07/2016 13:29

Dh had it at 33, he said he wouldn't want another child if we split up.

Reversal success rates are very low iirc apples

LetsSplashMummy · 14/07/2016 13:35

This is something the GP asked my husband when he went in for his first appointment - in fact she asked him if the three of us (me and the 2 DCs) died, would he regret it? Therefore, I think it is good you have encouraged him to really think it through before his appointment as my DH was a little floored by this. He was a bit younger than your DH (31) and she did mention that normally they are careful about referring younger patients.

It was the same GP as had suggested it to us, as it is very dangerous for me to get pregnant again and my surgical history makes my being sterilised a little more risky, therefore she was just trying to tick the boxes not talk him out of it.

Cel982 · 14/07/2016 13:40

You're not bonkers to think of this issue - the doctor will ask him this exact question before agreeing to perform it. But if he's thought about it and is still keen to go ahead, then that's his call.

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