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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a reception after getting married abroad?

19 replies

Rubixx · 11/07/2016 09:44

DP and I have decided to get married abroad. We are only inviting immediate family to come along if they wish. We made this decision because neither of us wanted a big wedding but DP has now said we'll be having a reception when we get home.

I don't understand this. It's basically a wedding aside the ceremony and sit down meal and to me basically the reason we aren't getting married here!

I don't get it quite honestly. I'm wondering what others views are?

OP posts:

Horsemad · 11/07/2016 09:47

I agree. If I went abroad to get married it would be for precisely that reason - to avoid having a reception!

treaclesoda · 11/07/2016 09:49

I agree with you too. The whole idea of having a small wedding abroad is to have a small wedding abroad. I don't really see the point in then having a reception at home.

WorraLiberty · 11/07/2016 09:51

He's just decided for the both of you?

Tiggeryoubastard · 11/07/2016 09:52

I could understand having a party to celebrate, or a meal, but a full on reception with sit down meal and everything else? Sounds like these ridiculous pretend weddings people have for a bit of attention.

origamiwarrior · 11/07/2016 09:52

I'm not sure what there isn't to get. Neither of you want a formal ceremony, having photos taken and sitting down to a chicken dinner with speeches. so you're getting married abroad with just immediate family.

Your DH would like an evening party once back home with family and friends. Doesn't sound like you want to do that. Neither of you are being unreasonable, but a wedding is different to a party.

SmallBee · 11/07/2016 09:55

YANBU.
I agree it's the point of going abroad. How much of a celebration is he thinking? I'd it going down a pub and telling everyone to come along or hiring a venue with a band, catering invitations etc?
I could get on board with the former but if he wants the latter maybe try suggesting hr does all the work of organising himself? For my DH that'd be enough for it not to happen at all.

MidnightAura · 11/07/2016 09:57

You don't have to have a reception! I wouldn't if I married abroad to avoid that! Defeats the point?

Smellyrose · 11/07/2016 10:01

Let him arrange the whole thing without any input from you - I bet it won't happen.

EssentialHummus · 11/07/2016 10:10

How much of a celebration is he thinking? I'd it going down a pub and telling everyone to come along or hiring a venue with a band, catering invitations etc?

^Exactly. What does "reception" mean to him? I'd find it mad to marry abroad and slip the shackles of speeches, venues, catering etc, only to bloody do it anyway, but he may have a different vision of the thing.

Original poster

Rubixx · 11/07/2016 10:11

It's a hired venue, band and then DJ. Food (not sit down meal, more a buffet).

Basically, in my eyes the second half of a wedding day. If we're going to be spending money on all of that we'd be as well just going ahead with all of it here. Small registry office ceremony followed by reception/party then honeymoon.

It would save our families a hell of a lot of money. It would save us a hell of a lot of money.

It just seems completely at odds with the reasons we said in the first place that we didn't want to do it here.

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 11/07/2016 10:13

Me and dh got married in San Francisco just us, our parents and baby ds. We both have strong families that had ideas about our day so we said no we're doing it abroad but we can celebrate once were back.

When we returned we had a party in a hotel, loads of champagne, free bar, Buffett and music. My family organised it and it was nice to have all the family together.

Horsemad · 11/07/2016 10:14

Refuse to do it OP! See what happens then...

fassbendersmistress · 11/07/2016 10:47

Has he told his friends of the plans to get married abroad? Do you think he might have felt under pressure to have a party for everyone back home? My DPs friends are constantly asking us when we are getting married/when's the party and it winds me up as we really want a quiet low key affair. they all want a stag do too and I think DP pushes forward the idea of a bigger wedding to justify a stag weekend with his mates!!
You need to sit down and have a chat about what you originally agreed and why and see if there's any room for compromise on this. (I've agreed to a bigger do than I'd like, but without all the typical wedding 'frills' of cakes, cars, bridesmaids etc...).

YouMakeMyDreams · 11/07/2016 10:55

YANBU exsil and her dh got married abroad just the two of them on holiday.
Came back and had reception. Sit down meal, big dress, bridesmaid speeches, first dance the lot. Even had a videographer. I have never understood why. The reason cited was because fil died when we were teenagers (lived next door) and she didn't want a big wedding without him. But she had a big wedding without him and her reception was a big do. Exh did the father of the bride speech and any other father duties in the day. The only thing that didn't happen on the day was the ceremony. It's not the only thing that family do that baffle me tbh.

Original poster

Rubixx · 11/07/2016 11:00

No we haven't really told anyone of our plans regarding the ceremony etc. He wants a stag which again I feel is a bit pointless but whatever it doesn't really affect me.

OP posts:

MrsH987 · 11/07/2016 22:12

We got married in las vegas and had no reception or hen/stag. We didn't have engagement party either. We did originally plan a party when we got back but we realised that we were doing it for other people. We didn't want it. I would check if your partner wants the reception or if he feels he should.

Original poster

Rubixx · 13/07/2016 08:31

He is the one who wants a reception. No pressure from outside. I honestly would compromise at a party but it's not a party he wants. It's basically a reception.

He has made mention of a best man (who won't even be attending the wedding) so I can only assume that from that he's thinking speeches at the party, a band, catering etc.

From the conversation the other day he seems to not be prepared to budge so I'm thinking about putting my foot down and saying if that's what he wants then we'll have that with a registry office ceremony and then honeymoon alone (well with the children)

Don't think that's unreasonable?

OP posts:

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 13/07/2016 08:43

You need to talk to him again and find out why he's changed his mind - it must be coming from somewhere if previously you were of the same mind about what you were doing. Has he found out a friend/ brother is for some reason bothered about not being the best man? Have friends or relatives told him they are assuming there will be a reception? Or did the two of you have your wires crossed about what you wanted from the start?

Agree it's common to have a party after coming home from marrying abroad but absolutely not a reception with best man etc.

YANBU to say it should be either registry office then reception or wedding abroad, not both. I'd be wondering how your wires have got so crossed though and trying to get to the bottom of it - you don't want to be marrying someone who seems to be suddenly very erratic and prone to making unilateral big decisions on which they are uncompromising!

Original poster

Rubixx · 13/07/2016 08:52

I know why. He wants the marriage to take place abroad but doesn't want to miss out on the party basically.

I guess that was his idea from the start and I just presumed that by "small wedding" he meant the entire thing not just the ceremony.

OP posts:

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