To ask H to sleep on sofabed

[Hotwaterbottle1]

I honestly don't know if this is reasonable or not. My H and I are effectively living together as co parents. Things have not been good for years and Jan 15 got worse, tried again but nothing changed. We have been sleeping in same bed but not sleep together for over a year. I've been finding it more & more uncomfortable, I hardly sleep as I'm so on edge and also as he snores. We have had the conversation the marriage is over but staying in same house for now due to finances. Telling my parents this weekend and kids after a trip away next weekend. He does not want to split but I can't carry on.

Anyway, sorry for long background post. We have 3 bedrooms (2 DC). We have a kitchen/diner/livingroom which I sit in and a front lounge where he sits with his Xbox or to watch sport (he speaks on Xbox live so to have in other room is pain for him as kids interrupting). We just got a sofabed for that room for the Grannys to sleep on when they stay as DD now has a high sleeper and DS is almost 16 and is in attic (one granny can't do 2 flights).

I want to ask him to move into the front room to sleep as I need my space. I honestly would go myself but he is in there till after midnight on Xbox and I'm in bed by 10pm.

Any thoughts?

Do it.

Are there any plans to move him out? Or you? Anyone? What is the long term plan?

Yes, he will move out eventually but we need to clear some debt and finish some work to get a completion certificate for building work. Looking at this time next year.

Ask but he might say no. Better to work out a long term plan.

Could you suggest he turns lounge into his room or you move into it and he moves his Xbox into the bedroom. Is he interacting with the children? It sounds very stressful for you.

Thats what I was hoping re him turning lounge into his room. Our current bedroom is right next door to DD room so he would disturb her on Xbox there.

They interact with him mostly but he is a decent person and does try with them and is good around the house.

Is there any reason why you can't sleep on the sofabed, if you are the one sleeping badly in the marital bed? It sounds like you wish to split up more than him - has he cheated on you, is he abusive in anyway, is his behavious unreasonable? If not, is it really fair to kick him out of bed if he is happy with the status quo?

I thought I'd explained sorry? The sofabed is in the lounge where he plays the Xbox and he is on there till midnight or later so I'd not be able to go to bed or he would not be able to play. I'd have to wait up.

Over the years he has been uncommunicative, no intimacy, rejected me over and over.

You can't drag this out for a year. It never works. It'll be confusing and stressful for everyone, including your children.

Renegotiate debt so one of you can leave now. Get the building certificate within the next month. Sell the house, if you have too. Tell the children and then one of you leaves and you start building seperate lives.

You could ask him to sleep in the spare room but he's probably unlikely to want too, if he doesn't want to split. He's probably hoping that the longer he stays in the house, the likelier it is that you'll get back together and fall into routine.

I was about to suggest you alternate nights, but then read he sits up until midnight.

I'd offer him two solutions....

1 - he sleeps full time in the lounge

2 - you alternate nights but that means he must clear out by 930pm on the nights that you're sleeping in there.

I think in the bigger picture you need to work out how you can afford to seperate. If your marriage is over you can't live in the same house for ever. There must be some kind of affordable options. I understand they may not be ideal but unfortunately when people split, 2 homes need to be funded instead of 1.

It's just not affordable, we can't get the building certificate until further work is done and that is scheduled in for a few months time and then I'm not sure how long it takes to get. We get along ok, there is no arguing at all.

But once that is done yes you are all right, a year is perhaps not feasible.

I'd rather not do alternate as distruptive re where we keep our stuff. I will offer to move in there first and he will need to just come off the Xbox or play in other room without headset.

Maybe you need to split officially within the house then, with the goal of someone leaving as soon as possible?

So decide, together, who gets what room - and nobody goes in each others' rooms. Decide who will cook when, how laundry will work, how housework will work. Childcare. All the stuff you'd organise with a flatmate.

A year won't happen, though. I know everyone wants it to be perfect and there's always something a few months down the line that you need to wait for, but I've never heard of it going well. He is living with someone that he wants to win back, but puts very little effort into, from the sound of things. You are living with someone that you don't want to be with anymore. The children are living wtih mum and dad who aren't together anymore, but live together. No one can heal or move on in this situation. What if he meets someone in two months? What if you do?

Yes you are so right thank you. A lot to think about. Short term need to move rooms.