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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To rule out BFs new partner

25 replies

Myfirst · 03/07/2016 01:56

I have a male best friend. He goes from one partner to another every 18 months. Usually he dumps and moves on. Except this time he is now 40 and panicking so decided he should settle down. I am married and settled with children (no
Conflict of interest!). He told me he is going to go with this "one" as it's as good as it gets. I think he has been happier with previous partners but ruled them out as he felt he was too young to settle down. I have never had an issue with any of his previous girlfriends and his current gf is lovely but if asked I don't think they are right together. I know I have a big say in his decision about her (which in itself says It's not right). AIbU to say I think she is right for him or should I be truthful?

OP posts:

Just5minswithDacre · 03/07/2016 01:59

Rule out? Big say?

I'd worry more about the dynamics of this situation, if I were you.

peppercold · 03/07/2016 02:02

Why do you get a say?

TowerRavenSeven · 03/07/2016 02:03

Be tactfully truthful but don't be surprised if he does what he wants to any way. My brother was having problems with his gf and asked my opinion and I was truthful - he seemed stymied by her, seemed happier with others, etc. nothing very hurtful but just being honest.

The next time I spoke with him (two weeks later) they were engaged and he bought her a ring. That was 14 years ago and they are still married. I'm so glad I didn't diss her completely back then!!

Just5minswithDacre · 03/07/2016 02:07

This sounds like Dangerous Liaisons, TBH. Totally bizarre that you get a 'big say' in a friend's choice of life partner.

OfficiallyUnofficial · 03/07/2016 02:10

You need to back right off. Maybe there is a reason he hasn't settled down...

Original poster

Myfirst · 03/07/2016 02:12

Dynamics? What do you mean?

I have said to see how it goes.
It's not for me to say either way but I know he will bring it up again when we meet up this week. I don't want the responsibility of informing his choice. I have tried to be neutral so far:

OP posts:

Original poster

Myfirst · 03/07/2016 02:14

Thanks for the comments. I think I'll back out and avoid our usual meet ups for a while.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 03/07/2016 11:08

Why do you have a say in who his partner is?

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2016 11:11

Has he mistaken you for Simon Cowell?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/07/2016 11:28

I don't want the responsibility of informing his choice

What does ^ even mean?

Lunar1 · 03/07/2016 11:30

Why do you have a big say? I'm confused.

OnionKnight · 03/07/2016 11:33

Why should you have a big say? Keep your beak out.

MrsSpecter · 03/07/2016 11:36

No wonder he has never settled. He's in love with you.

Arfarfanarf · 03/07/2016 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happypoobum · 03/07/2016 11:47

There is definitely something a miss here. I wouldn't have set such store in a best friends opinion before marrying and I don't know anyone who would.

It does make me wonder if the reason he has never really settled is because he is in love with you and never really put any of those other women first? What a dreadful shame.

Noonesfool · 03/07/2016 11:49

Agree, MrsS

Queensbelfastvcisasexistprat · 03/07/2016 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/07/2016 11:55

"I like her. She seems very nice. However, it is what you think that matters. Remember the saying - don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without."

NerrSnerr · 03/07/2016 11:57

Christ. This is really odd. One of my best friends has a new partner and I am going to meet her soon. Guess what? I will be very nice to her and support him in whatever choices he makes. Why on earth would you get to choose his partner? Just meet up as usual but don't interfere.

headinhands · 03/07/2016 11:59

What makes you think you are an accurate judge of their suitability. I couldn't be so presumptuous as to assume I could do that for a friend. If she's lovely that's enough. Leave it at that.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/07/2016 12:01

Oh, another fake I don't know why.....

Fairenuff · 03/07/2016 12:06

Haha

A 40 year old man who can't make a decision for himself? Nah.

Don't worry about it, he won't be able to have an adult relationship with anyone.

eddielizzard · 03/07/2016 12:17

meet up. don't leave him in the lurch now, if you're really a good friend.

if he asks, just say it's absolutely his decision and you will support him. if he pushes, tell him what you truthfully think but remind him it's his decision and your opinion shouldn't sway him.

Sirona · 03/07/2016 12:21

I would say nothing. I agree it sounds really weird you thinking you have such a big say in his relationship, especially if she's lovely.

yorkshapudding · 03/07/2016 12:33

Of course you would BU to "rule out" anybody's choice of partner. What a strange question

One of two things is going on here. Either the dynamics of your friendship of with this man are very odd (and not really very healthy) if you genuinely do have "a big say" in who he chooses to settle down with or you have boundary issues and have significantly overestimated how much weight your opinion should carry here. If it's the former, he must be extremely insecure if at the age of 40 he can't decide how he feels about a woman without you giving them relationship your blessing. I wouldn't encourage that kind of dependence on me if I was in your shoes. If it's the latter, you probably need to ask yourself why you feel so invested in his choice of partner in the first place.

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