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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend inviting dp on girls' holiday

24 replies

MorrishBored · 01/07/2016 00:08

Group of us celebrating friend's birthday, one guy invited (mutual friend) but he couldn't come, no other boys invited. Friend has invited her (male) dp. Aibu to feel annoyed?

OP posts:

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/07/2016 00:12

Course yanbu, all the group should be consulted before additional people are asked to join irrespective of whether they are male/female partner/friend. Had it been put to you as a done deal or can you say no?

Original poster

MorrishBored · 01/07/2016 00:14

She assumed and everything has gone from there really. Think both have booked hol from work etc, tbh I think she is pretty set on it

OP posts:

LunaMay · 01/07/2016 00:14

Well it was never a girls weekend if there was a guy originally invited? I do hate when people invite partners without thinking of how it changes the dynamics of the group though.

Original poster

MorrishBored · 01/07/2016 00:14

Think she sees him as part of the group?

OP posts:

monkeywithacowface · 01/07/2016 00:18

Annoying my friend invites her teenage daughter to every social we have totally changes the dynamic but no one will mention it. Find it odd that an 18 year old wants to hang out with a group of 40 year olds.

KinkyAfro · 01/07/2016 06:02

If none of the group is happy with this then she needs to be told it's not on

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2016 06:34

Yeah, one partner being invited without actually checking if everyone is ok with that does seriously bugger with the group dynamic.

If tickets aren't booked yet, then she needs to be told that it's not on - if she then backs out, that's her choice. Should have discussed it first, not made assumptions.

HeddaGarbled · 01/07/2016 07:01

Is it the birthday girl? If yes, you can see how she might like to spend her birthday with her boyfriend and friends, particularly if she sees him as part of the group.

Whocansay · 01/07/2016 07:16

YANBU. It changes the whole dynamic. Although I have no suggestions on how to deal with it other than talking to her. She'll be upset though. But then again, she clearly doesn't give two shits about how you lot feel.

IdaDown · 01/07/2016 07:19

Does the partner realise he's going to be the only man there?

Group email just to let the friend/partner know.

DH would rather crawl over hot coals (and he likes my girlfriends).

IdaDown · 01/07/2016 07:22

Sorry, didn't explain myself very well (at all).

If the male partner knew he would be the only chap there - would he be so keen to still come?

What's the place/activities?

TheNaze73 · 01/07/2016 07:32

YANBU in the slightest. I would be so pissed off if somebody did this to a group of my friends. Single group nights out & holidays are so important. Joined at the hip couples, who can't go anywhere without each other are so sad. When things go tits up, they come crawling back to their friends. Grrrr!
Rant over, I'd be annoyed/upset & mainly didsapointed

Foslady · 01/07/2016 07:40

Is friend the birthday girl? If so, well her birthday.......but I'd be hacked off, if not then I'd be definitely hacked off!

whois · 01/07/2016 08:49

God people can be so unaware. "Oh I love my DP so everyone must also love to skeins time with them".

You have to tell them. It will muck with the group dynamics if he is there.

"Hi Friend. Hard to think of a nice way of putting this, but the trip was arranged with the group of friends in mind, not partners. Having your DP there will interfere with the dynamics, it's a 'friends' thing not a 'couples' trip and we would prefer it if he doesn't come. Looking forward to spending the weekend with you, lots of love, OP"

Spartak · 01/07/2016 08:54

Have you spoken to any of the other people going to find out if they mind? Probably best to do that before sending messages on behalf of the group.

MrsJayy · 01/07/2016 08:54

This happened at my friends birthday weekend few years ago a husband tagged along not sure why it was just really awkward

dowhatnow · 01/07/2016 09:00

Completely changes the dynamics. Whoever is closest to her needs to gently point this out. It isn't personal is it.

MargaretCavendish · 01/07/2016 09:03

This is a real problem in one group of friends I have: the assumption that if it's not single sex then partners are automatically welcome. One of the guys brings his girlfriend every single time - and every single time she moans that when all 10ish of us get together as a group all we do is talk about in jokes from university! We only all get together probably once a year, so this isn't frequent, so I just don't understand why they can't have a night apart. I know and like this woman, but I just don't know why her boyfriend can't see that the big 'group reunion' events are clearly boring for her, and it does affect the dynamics of things. They're the most annoying, but I've noticed that, for whatever reason, even though almost everyone is married/long-term relationship, the women all leave their partners at home but a sizeable proportion of the men bring them. None of this helps you, though, because no one has ever been brave enough to say anything largely because we don't know how!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/07/2016 09:03

Regardless of what happens this time, someone will need to tell her that he isn't part of the group, or she'll continue believing he is and consider him invited by proxy to everything. And you'll need to be quite careful how that's done so neither get upset.

I'd avoid pitching it as a girls weekend though, as you did invite a man. I know he's not intending but clearly you were willing to forego it being a girls weekend for him so she probably expects you'd do the same for her partner.

It is annoying

RebootYourEngine · 01/07/2016 09:19

Someone has to tell her that its not on.

I have only met my friends partner of 8 yrs about three times. This is because they arent joined at the hip and do things separately.

GabsAlot · 01/07/2016 09:21

i suppose if it wasnt a girly night then this person has misread it but if no other partners are going wouldnt he feel weird

ZansForCans · 01/07/2016 09:29

Oh I hate this. We had friends who were joined at the hip. We used to do a crafty activity that only the women knew how to even do, and have a lovely chat - and this woman would try to bring her DP! If it was at her house he would just sit in the corner and watch/listen It ruined it. He wasn't a horrible person, but just... buzz off!

Also have a friend that insists on involving her 11yo DD in things like this - that really puts a kybosh on what you can talk about!

whois · 01/07/2016 10:39

One of my friends invites a few girsl round for dinner at her house. And her DP is always there, we don;t know him, he doesn't ever come out with us when its a mixed group.

Wouldn't mind if he had a drink with us and ate with us, then made his excuses but he sits wiht us the WHOLE time and also doesn't help her - so she will be doing all the dink pouring and all the cooking and clearing up. Ackward.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 01/07/2016 12:21

YANBU. Not as bad as the time a few of us were going away for a weekend to see a show, someone dropped out and one member tried to bring her bloody child! No consultation at all, just announced she was going to bring him as her child would love it!

Thankfully we quickly found someone to fill that space. We still had to listen to a lot of comments about how disappointed her child was and how her child would have loved it. None of us said a word. She didn't get the hint that he wouldn't have been welcome at all!

I had another friend who used to rock up to everything with her child as well (a different friend). Then she had a baby so child, baby and DP would have to come to keep an eye on the baby.

Some people seem to have zero awareness of a dynamic and that partners and bloody children are not welcome in a group of friends.

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