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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to know he's not dead

21 replies

Noonesfool · 19/06/2016 15:45

n-c as the ex in question has 'stalked' me on here before.

Ex partner, father of my child was seriously ill just after we separated.Tis was around 2 years ago. He let me know last week that potentially he is ill again, although until he has some investigations in the next week or so, we don't know this.

Things are very, very strained between us, he is still extremely angry with me.
He has child around 50% of the time - AIBU to check in with him throughout the day when he has sole charge of our child, just to check he hasn't collapsed. It is unlikely, but if it did happen, then DS would be on his own, unable to do anything because he is 4.

At least if I check in, if he doesn't reply, I can go round to house to see if everything is ok. He said this morning that he was finding it annoying and that until I 'fix' everything I got wrong at the time of our split, he wouldn't reply.

OP posts:

99percentchocolate · 19/06/2016 15:49

To be honest, under those circumstances I would insist on supervised contact (even if just with a friend) so that you can ensure DS is safe. If he doesn't like it then he'll have to either voluntarily stop seeing DS or answer your calls

Goingtobeawesome · 19/06/2016 15:50

Obviously he's trying to control you. Ignore that.

Teach your child how to use the phone. If you can't wake up daddy ring 999 or mummy's number, go to a neighbour.

How likely is it that your ex would become unconscious with the illness he has?

Could you ask neighbour's for their number in case?

Plenty of options without giving in to his controlling.

Arfarfanarf · 19/06/2016 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Noonesfool · 19/06/2016 15:54

I had thought about teaching DS to use phone actually. I suggested it to ex.

I don't know how likely him collapsing is - don't really know what is wrong yet. But his previous illness was pretty serious.

He will not agree to supervised contact 99 - would you really go for that straight away?

OP posts:

Original poster

Noonesfool · 19/06/2016 15:56

I have tried to point out that I am just prioritising the safety of our child but his response is that having to organise anything is just fall out from me finishing our relationship.

OP posts:

EdithWeston · 19/06/2016 16:00

If you don't know that collapsing is a symptom, it is difficult to build a case that contact should be arranged to defend against the consequences of him collapsing - any more than it would be reasonable for him to check in on you daily in case you'd fallen down stairs.

I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but in the short term, I think the only thing you can do is teach your DC how to use a phone.

How long will the medical investigations take? Because waiting to negotiate a new agreement when you know what he'll be dealing with (both prognosis and treatment) might be the most productive and least stressful thing to do. Though if course if it'll be months before he knows, that might not be achievable.

ImperialBlether · 19/06/2016 16:04

I would put money on him telling you he's ill to get some sympathy and to wrongfoot you.

If he was ill he'd surely be worried about something happening while his son was there and would take some action. The fact is he's more interested in making you feel guilty, isn't he?

Original poster

Noonesfool · 19/06/2016 16:06

I would hope that investigations will be pretty fast Edith - he has been prioritised by the local hospital.

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Original poster

Noonesfool · 19/06/2016 16:07

Imperial that is how it feels.

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Pinkheart5915 · 19/06/2016 16:11

You need to know what's wrong with him? How it effects him? That's the starting point find out these things and then think about how it may effect your child when his looking after him.

At 4 can you try and learn your little one to call 999 and explain when it's to be used just in case( I only have a baby so I don't know if a 4 year old can understand that)

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to even just text you once or twice in the day when he's got your child just to say all is ok.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/06/2016 16:12

As PPs have said, I'd focus on teaching your DC how to respond if anything goes wrong. It's a good skill for a child to have anyway as even when you are alone with them there could be an accident or sudden illness.

Stop trying to get your ex to act the way you want him to. It's not going to happen and is creating conflict. I understand it's frustrating that you have to figure out how to work round him but in the long-term it's probably less emotionally draining than having long fruitless conversations with him.

MrsDeVere · 19/06/2016 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Noonesfool · 19/06/2016 16:20

Teaching DC to use phone is def the best plan.

I suppose I have to make sure I am not letting my own anxiety about the idea of DC being alone and unable to get help steer me. It's not about me.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/06/2016 16:28

Has he actually told you he is ill and having symptoms again?

And do those symptoms put him at risk of passing out or falling or anything else that would render him incapable?

Original poster

Noonesfool · 19/06/2016 16:30

He has said he has some specific symptoms.

Because we don't know what is causing them, I have no idea what he is at risk of.

I suppose I am thinking worst case scenario.

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AnotherSENMess · 19/06/2016 16:43

Ds was able to use the phone at 4, he knew how to call my parents using the speed dial. It did mean they had some early morning telephone calls but as a single mum it also meant that he could contact people if there was an issue. Unlikely as it was, it was peace of mind for me. So yes, I would teach him to use the phone if at all possible, especially if you are on your own with ds as well (I had a fear of falling down the stairs or similar)

AcrossthePond55 · 19/06/2016 16:46

Is there a third party he'd agree to use as someone to check up on him? You'd think he'd want that himself if it's possible that he might collapse. The agreement could be that X will check up and only contact you in event of emergency.

I taught my DSs to dial 911 (our equivalent of 999) at your son's age. We used a toy telephone and a 'mummy/daddy isn't waking up' scenario keeping it as low-key as possible.

Original poster

Noonesfool · 19/06/2016 17:10

Third party isn't a bad idea actually. But I doubt he would agree.

He has just told me that if I cared that much about DS's safety, I wouldn't have made life so difficult.

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Rumpelstiltskin143 · 19/06/2016 17:48

For goodness sake, make things difficult for him. Refuse to put your children at risk. If he wants them to visit him, he can take it to court and they can decide how safe the children are. He's just bring spiteful, he need to be called on it. He's punishing you for leaving at the expense of your children.

Original poster

Noonesfool · 19/06/2016 18:09

Yes, he is punishing me for leaving. And for everything I ever did wrong.

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hels71 · 19/06/2016 18:37

Teach him to use the phone. When DD was 3 I fell badly on the front door step. Thankfully I was fine to get inside and call DH myself, but I then asked myself what if i hadn't been able to. So I taught her to call 999 and what to say and how to open the door from the inside (it's really tricky. ) She seemed to get the fact is was only for if Mummy was damaged..I made sure she could use the landline and my mobile,, When she was a little older I also taught her how to call DH..and she learnt his mobile number.

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