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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu asking my DM to visit us sometimes?

13 replies

DextersMistress · 10/06/2016 17:55

I take dc to my mums every week. We used to go midweek until ds started reception in sept and now go Saturday's.

Dp has a new job where he works longer hours through the week, out before dc get up and only home around half an hour before bedtime. He averages one night a week away too so doesn't see much of dc.

I've just called DM and said I'll be there as normal tomorrow but will be leaving earlier than usual so dp can spend some time with dc. I also asked if she'd mind coming to us once or twice a month instead, giving dp more time with dc without seeing her less.

DM got really huffy, saying you don't have to come every week if you don't want to, and I know she doesn't like driving on the motorway.

Drive is 25 minutes, less than half of which is motorway/nsl. Wibu?

OP posts:
ItWentInMyEye · 10/06/2016 18:24

YANBU in my opinion. The dc need to spend time with their dad too.

almostthirty · 10/06/2016 18:26

Personally I would say fine it's your choice, you either visit us all here or I visit on my own and leave dc to sleep during quality time with dh.

Wolfiefan · 10/06/2016 18:31

My mum is elderly and couldn't do that drive. I don't know if yours is. Do you have to go every week?

TheBouquets · 10/06/2016 18:31

There may be a reason that DM does not like to drive on Motorways. I think gentle enquiries as to why this might be could go a long way to the cure the problem. She might have had a scary experience or she might have not have been driving there recently and is scared to try now. Try to find out the reason and maybe even offer a few practice shots on the motorway with you in your car and then you going with her in her car. It is good that you are looking for a solution and not taking the huff with her.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 10/06/2016 18:34

My mum won't drive on motorways so she gets the train to visit though it's a bit further. Is there a bus your mum could get. Agree your DC need to spend time with their dad so maybe you should go to your mums every two weeks instead.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 10/06/2016 18:52

She's not old, and is a very confident driver, she goes out in the car every day. She's worried about getting lost. I bought her a satnav but she won't use it.

She has been here before, and keeps saying she'll come again to get used to the journey but hasn't had to with me going there every week. Fortnightly visits are obviously an option but we enjoy seeing her.

OP posts:
Buggers · 10/06/2016 18:59

Couldn't your and ds go round Fridays after school instead?

wheresthel1ght · 10/06/2016 19:17

Dexters my mum lives 20 mins from us (8 miles) and no motorway. She also refuses to come to us. It drives me mental. Dp works shifts so if it falls that he has time off on a weekend then it is family time only as it is so rare and both Dsc and dd get very limited time with him.

Unfortunately it won't change. She is unlikely to come to you because you have made it easy for her not to.
For this and a few other reasons I have gone semi NC with mine. If she makes the effort to call/come over fine but I am done making all the effort. Especially when she will move mountains to drive in unfamiliar roads and motorways to go to my Dsis

2rebecca · 10/06/2016 19:19

I wouldn't visit anyone very Saturday. You can decide to cut down the visits to every 2 or 3 weeks, up to her if she comes to visit you in between. It's rare a motorway is the only way of getting somewhere. I'd encourage her to travel a bit more before she's too old, but she may choose to just not see you

girlywhirly · 10/06/2016 19:31

Train her in satnav use. Or print off a google map with printed instructions. Mark various landmarks on the map so that she will memorise them and so help remember where turnings are. You can show her the street views on the computer so that she can see what the roads, roundabouts, junctions and so on look like in real life. A lot of people respond well to visual cues rather than flat lines and circles on paper, they remember them better that way.

I think if she is a confident driver that shouldn't be a problem, but if she won't at least try then all you can do is shrug and say that the DC dad needs to see more of them now he is working such long hours, and if she can't or won't drive to yours some of the time, the natural consequence is seeing the DGC less often.

Original poster
DextersMistress · 10/06/2016 19:34

Buggers traffic is horrendous on a Friday but another weeknight could work.

Wheres what reason does she give? It's sad that she won't make the effort. You're right though, she probably won't come while I'm making the effort all the time.

rebecca you're right, she can avoid the motorway and only add 5-10 minutes to the journey. I suspect she's quite happy with the easy routine atm and reluctant to change it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DextersMistress · 10/06/2016 19:36

Sorry, I should have mentioned. There have been a lot of roadworks going on and she worries about diversions although a quick check before setting off would solve that.

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 10/06/2016 20:30

Dexters she makes no excuses other than to tell me I am being ridiculous. But even her own sister noticed when she was visiting recently. She is very like her own mum, likes to think she is the matriarch and that the world family revolves around her. She sulks if she isn't centre of attention. One day I will point out she is a cow but am waiting to see if subtly has an effect not that it did before I had dd

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