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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think in marriage - both partners interests should be met?

26 replies

DiaryDiaryDi · 26/05/2016 15:29

DH and I have quite different tastes in music. Since we got together we have followed his musical interests around continuously going to various gigs, watching related programs and even frequenting Glastonbury every year which is very much geared towards his musical tastes and not mine.

Recently a friend showed me the band list for download festival and it is 100% me all over. Tons of bands on there I want to see and it looked amazing. She is going with her husband. So I asked DH if next year, we could do this festival instead of Glastonbury - even if it's just a one off because it's so much more "me" and I'd love it. He said no, we have to go to Glastonbury. I explained that the music at Glastonbury is not really my kind of music and just this once I'd love to go to a festival which was all my kind of music, especially as we don't go to see my type of gigs either - it's all his stuff!
He said "oh, looks like me might have to start going to separate festivals." AIBU or is this really selfish considering I have been to Glastonbury with him 4 times and am asking for just one year off to go to a festival that I want to see? He knows I have no friends that would go so knows full well I am stuck. And yes he would go to glastonbury on his own if I didn't go so I can't even pull that one.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 26/05/2016 15:32

YANBU. I'll bet if you look closely at your relationship you'll find other ways in which your H acts as though he is the Person and you're the Appendage.

missybct · 26/05/2016 15:52

I wouldn't expect my DP to go to something I didn't like, but then he wouldn't expect me to attend something I am not keen on. It seems as if you are OK with placating him if he asks you to attend something you're not overly keen on, because you like the experience (?), but your DH isn't bothered about doing the same for you? I agree with PP - that suggests more than just a difference in music tbh.

That said, if I'd made the choice to attend a festival 4 times that my DH preferred just because I could, I wouldn't necessarily expect him to do the same back unless otherwise prearranged like "I'm doing this, but I'd like you to do the same back" = prearranged intention.

To me, it sounds as if you've spent a great deal of time doing his hobbies,
perhaps without question until now, so maybe your DH hasn't really considered you didn't like them that much? Unless you've explicitly said you didn't enjoy the gigs/programmes/festivals much, most would consider your participation to be because you like it. If it's been an ongoing opinion and you always feel you have to do what your DH wants to do/he won't take part or show enthusiasm for your hobbies, then you've got a problem.

2rebecca · 26/05/2016 16:18

Why not go without him? My husband and I have some similar interests and some different ones. If he is keen enough on Glastonbury to go alone it seems a bit unfair for you to refuse to go to yours without him. Can you find a friend to go with?
Must admit though as a one off unless he hates the music going with you wouldn't harm but it's maybe the "instead of" rather than "as well as" Glasto bit he's not keen on. Are they the same weekend?
There's no way my husband would go to a rock festival, I'd be going without him. He'll happily go away cycling or with his orchestra for the weekend without me.

ofshoes · 26/05/2016 16:29

Death to false metal!

MargaretCavendish · 26/05/2016 16:51

Is it totally out of the question for you to go with your friend and her husband? I can understand that it might be - you might feel that it's just too awkward/third-wheely - but I also know lots of couples who would think nothing of it. It's hardly like Download is a romantic destination! Or she might have other friends that are going.

You seem to think the best solution is for you to alternate going to festivals where you don't like the music, but I think quite few people would think this was a good compromise. Apart from anything else, music festivals are a pretty expensive thing to grit your teeth through! It's interesting that you explained to him that you don't like the music at Glastonbury - did he really not know that?

Also, but quite importantly - haven't Glastonbury tickets been sold out for some time? Do you already have them for this year? If so, then it's really not reasonable to demand now that they're ditched in favour of Download!

NeedACleverNN · 26/05/2016 16:53

You went because you wanted to not because you HAD to

He doesn't want to so what's wrong with him going to Glastonbury and you go to Download?

MargaretCavendish · 26/05/2016 16:54

Wait, I see, you're talking about next year, so this is more of a hypothetical conversation at the moment?

araiba · 26/05/2016 18:01

go to both?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2016 18:16

Yabu.
I think he's right - go to seperate festivals if you have differing tastes. And you have friends going - the ones you detail in your post.
I have never really understood the 'joined at the hip' way of doing things.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2016 18:20

Go to Download on your own or with the friends you mention

You didn't have to spend years doing stuff that he likes to do. Why on earth did you do that ? Women who subsume their own tastes to please a man do themselves no favours at all.

Marynary · 26/05/2016 18:45

I don't think you should expect him to go to something he wouldn't enjoy instead of something he would enjoy. Obviously you shouldn't have to do that either but presumably it has been your choice to go to Glastonbury all these years. If you had said you didn't want to do would he have been fine about it?

Keely93 · 26/05/2016 18:48

Hmm, I think I'm going against the grain here but I actually agree with you, compromise and all of that!

MrsKoala · 26/05/2016 19:42

Mrk is quite similar in his attitude to things. He does what he wants and I am welcome to join him but he wont do things I want. I have accepted that from the beginning but it does grate and I think our relationship would be better if we did some things together.

Pre dc holidays were always spent going to locations he wanted to go to, doing activities he wanted (skiing, mountain biking etc) whereas I like beach holidays. (I even went skiing with him whenowaspregnant and couldn't ski and hung around the hotel all day Confused ). But now we have a nearly 4yo and 20mo and I'm pregnant I suggested we go to an all inclusive family resort near a beach so I can have a less stressful time and the dc would love it and he said outright no.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2016 19:43

that is is very selfish of him, MrsK

BillSykesDog · 26/05/2016 19:47

Glastonbury has very diverse types of music so it would be extremely hard to go there and like nothing.

Download has a very specific type of music which is very niche. If you don't like that sort of music there's no point going at all, would be a waste of money. So I get what he means.

YABU, separate festivals. No point dragging him around something he won't enjoy at all against his will.

BibbtyBobbityFeckOff · 26/05/2016 19:47

Relationships should be give and take. So you go to his intrests to experience them together, he should be prepared to do the same for you.

Saying that I am shipping Dp off to an 8 day festival abroad this summer. He desperately wanted me to join him but I would hate every part of it so refused. A gig I would put up with but 8 days is never going to happen.

Go to your festival with other people who will enjoy the experience. And get your dh to do the same.

Terrifiedandregretful · 26/05/2016 19:57

Did he know that Glastonbury wasn't your thing? If he did then he's being really selfish. I think you need to talk generally about give and take in the relationship. But I also think going to seperate festivals with friends might actually be a good idea. You'd probably both have more fun and a couple of weekends apart is no bad thing.

amroc18 · 26/05/2016 20:02

Yanbu-just go separately (and it means that someone who really wants to do Glasto can have your ticket! Wink)

DrDreReturns · 26/05/2016 20:08

Just go without him and enjoy! \n/

wallybantersjunkbox · 26/05/2016 20:13

I think it is about compromise too, but did he really understand you were giving him the compromises when you went to Glasto?

If so he is BU.

Better find some friends to have fun with than have him sit through it like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle.

Stop compromising and see what happens...maybe he needs a little wake up call.,

BillBrysonsBeard · 26/05/2016 20:16

Me and DP wouldn't drag each other to anything the other wouldn't enjoy, so I would normally say just go on your own... But he expected you to go to Glasto 4 times so think you're fair to want him to go Wink

YouTheCat · 26/05/2016 20:42

MrsK, book a holiday for you and leave the kids with your h.

OP, tell him you're going to Download much better music . Go with the couple. And don't go to Glastonbury.

MrsKoala · 26/05/2016 20:49

Yes cat, he is fine with that. But it's not really what I want (although I could do with a rest) I want a family holiday together. I think I'm going to take mum away for 4 days with me (so he has no back up Grin ) instead.

I would go if you can op. I know how you feel tho. It's very disappointing when you realise you have such different expectations and it does erode something away.

MetalMidget · 26/05/2016 21:00

If he's expected you to go to Glastonbury every year, then he's being unfair. If he didn't realise you weren't keen, or didn't mind if you went or not, then it'd be unfair for you to expect him to reciprocate.

Glasto is toss, if I were you I'd go to Download (and Bloodstock)! I'd go this year but I'm due to drop a sprog in July...

LovelyLungtch · 26/05/2016 21:06

MrsK, please please go away with your Mum. He sounds so selfish, and you pregnant as well Sad