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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a word with my DS's teacher...

28 replies

Gert · 04/05/2016 18:14

...for telling him he looks like an idiot (practising for school assembly which includes a dance - he has zero co-ordination!). He tries hard at school and behaves really well, generally.

OP posts:
FutureGadgetsLab · 04/05/2016 18:16

I would. That's horrible.

ScrotesOnFire · 04/05/2016 18:16

A word?
I'd go absolutely ballistic...

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2016 18:17

Has it upset him? Does he want you to have a word?

How old is he?

Sorry for the questions Blush

CoolforKittyCats · 04/05/2016 18:17

I would get the full story before going mad.

MrsKCastle · 04/05/2016 18:20

Sounds horrendous, but I would want to get the full story first. Was it meant to be a joke or something? Was your DS upset?

shiveringhiccup · 04/05/2016 18:24

My first instinct is that's horrible and inappropriate, but it does depend on DS's age, how it was said, and if DS is upset by it. If DS is upset and wants you to intervene, then yes have a word with the teacher. Maybe the teacher thought it was banter but if DS is upset it's not ok.

JinRamen · 04/05/2016 18:34
Shock How old is ds?
Original poster
Gert · 04/05/2016 18:47

Sorry, I should have said how old he is - had to rush him off to Cubs!

He's 8. I get the impression he was not doing himself any favours in terms of behaviour (fidgeting and whispering in between times during the rehearsal), but in his own words, he 'wasn't doing anything anyone else wasn't doing'. I thought I should ask about that, but still call them out on the 'you look like an idiot' comment re. the dance. He said he was really enjoying it (and is not in tears about it now but clearly has hurt feelings).

OP posts:
Original poster
Gert · 04/05/2016 18:48

(ask the teacher about his behaviour, I mean)

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 04/05/2016 18:52

he was not doing himself any favours in terms of behaviour

Sympathy rapidly evaporating.

peacheshoney · 04/05/2016 18:54

Pound to a penny, he was clowning about!

Wolfiefan · 04/05/2016 18:54

So he was behaving badly and then justifying that by saying "everyone else was messing around"? He needs to behave or he (the class and the teacher too) will look stupid in the assembly. Not the kindest choice of words but maybe he's trying the teacher's last nerve.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/05/2016 18:56

She insulted your son. I'd be having more than a word. Does poor coordinating not come under SN.

Original poster
Gert · 04/05/2016 18:57

Whispering and fidgeting though, for an 8 year old in a 2 hour rehearsal, when others were doing the same? Like I say, I'm happy to dig into that one with the teacher and deal with it, but I don't see what that has to do with his dance performance (or lack thereof), so warrants telling him he looks like an idiot. And then of course expecting him to go ahead and perform the thing on Friday in front of the school.

Mostly wondering whether 'idiot' thing is reasonable or not.

OP posts:
katemiddletonsnudeheels · 04/05/2016 18:57

If a child is whispering, tell them to sort whispering or to be quiet, not tell them they look like an idiot Hmm

Original poster
Gert · 04/05/2016 18:58

I've seen him try to do actions for choir. It's not pretty.

OP posts:
katemiddletonsnudeheels · 04/05/2016 18:58

Sorry Gert, cross post.

I hope your DS is ok. This would have made me feel very self conscious and I sympathise.

MrsKCastle · 04/05/2016 18:58

Well it sounds as though there were some behaviour issues with the class, which will be frustrating for the teacher. But they should have been dealt with appropriately.

The idiot comment is a separate issue. Personally, I don't like the word and wouldn't ever use it with children, but I still wonder whether the context would make it clearer. Could the teacher have said something like ' If you don't listen properly, you won't know what to do in the dance and then you'll look like an idiot? Was it only directed to your DS, or a more general comment?

Either way, I think you're within your rights to bring it up.

OurBlanche · 04/05/2016 18:59

No, for all the reasons you have said.. that is NOT how to motivate kids to enjoy performing and the teacher should know better - even if it was exasperating for him... that word is an absolute 'no no'!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/05/2016 18:59

How he was behaving in this instance is neither here nor there. She's the adult. She's supposed to be the one in control.
If a child went into school saying. My mum called me an idiot. The school would be calling it emotional abuse

TheSolitaryBoojum · 04/05/2016 19:03

Go and ask the teacher.
I used to have an observation bench for those class members who were supposed to be part of our assembly who chose not to manage their behaviour when it wasn't their turn to be centre stage. Sometimes they participated fully once they'd watched and been supportive, others stayed in and got called 'the chorus'
No, I didn't insult them, and all my comments were aimed at their behaviour, not their person, but it's a PITA to have the performance spoiled by children choosing to disrespect their peers.

Original poster
Gert · 04/05/2016 19:04

Thanks all. MrsKCastle, good point re. context which makes me feel far less antsy about the whole thing.

I'll have a quiet word tomorrow - mention that I heard he was pulled up for behaviour and see if I can figure out the context from that.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 04/05/2016 19:16

YANBU to ask about it. But, as PP have said, context is everything.

It could have been something as simple as this (which I say to groups of children ALL the time in rehearsals close to shows):
'If you can't listen/focus/learn this etc then it's you who's going to look stupid/silly/like an idiot/be embarrassed etc in front of your parents/the school; not me.'

It's usually a last ditch attempt to salvage the fact that actually it is me who will look like the idiot as it will look like I've directed them badly. But the children don't know that! Grin

Original poster
Gert · 04/05/2016 19:29

Manicinsomniac, I bet that's exactly what happened. Will tread carefully tomorrow! Thanks all - much appreciated.

OP posts:
123lekl · 05/05/2016 21:11

I'd be livid. Idiot is a horrible word Sad