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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stag dos and weddings

22 replies

NHSisfubar · 20/04/2016 23:17

AIBU to think it's actually quite weird to invite someone to a stag do where they have to travel some distance to get there and pay for a hotel etc (as none of the rest of the stag party who are all local have offered to put them up for the night) and then not to invite them to the actual wedding?

OP posts:

AllisonWonderland · 20/04/2016 23:22

Is the invitee not invited to the wedding at all, or are they invited to the evening do only?

Original poster

NHSisfubar · 20/04/2016 23:25

No invite has been forthcoming at all! We are assuming the wedding is only a few weeks away if the stag is very soon!

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AllisonWonderland · 20/04/2016 23:32

In that case yes, I think it's a little strange - if you're friends enough to be invited to the stag do then you're friends enough to be invited to at least some part of the wedding - maybe they're having a really small wedding?? Anyway, I wouldn't go to the stag do unless I fancied it as a night out anyway

Original poster

NHSisfubar · 20/04/2016 23:38

I don't think they are having a small wedding. Doesn't bother me in the slightest as I've never met the couple and it's a weekend/money saved in my book but just thought on behalf of DP that it seems a bit rude especially given he will have to drive 3+ hrs to get to stag do and nobody helped him even find a hotel. I just wondered if it's a common thing?!

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fatmomma99 · 21/04/2016 00:52

wow!

That is ODD!

The point (I always thought) about stags and hens was they were events the for the people closest to you, so OBVS they're at the wedding.

Very strange to me, and can't think of an alternative viewpoint.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/04/2016 02:29

DH has been asked to stags of his uni mates and then not the wedding. I too thought that was very odd.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/04/2016 03:47

I don't think it's strange, his chum is probably trying to increase the numbers for his stag do! The more the merrier.

If the guys are his friends why can't he ask one of them to put him up?

curren · 21/04/2016 06:22

It's not something I would do.

But it is quite common, ime.

I have also seen people get really offended not to be invited to stag/hen dos. Every if they do live far away.

Maybe the groom felt it was polite to extend and invitation, but didn't expect your dp to go.

Maybe you do has given the impression he is happy to sort his own accommodation. Most adults do.

Parney · 21/04/2016 06:25

I've been on a fair few amount of hen parties and all of them, my own included were before the invites went out! If you're sure the wedding is so soon and still no invite that is very weird!

AuntieStella · 21/04/2016 06:50

It sounds dreadful to me.

Stag and hen parties have always been the very closest friends of the groom or bride, and it strikes me as very odd not to invite the people closest to you to your wedding.

I don't like the implied 'ranking' of people by tier of invitation much in the first place, but even allowing that that is pretty common it still seems odd that your closes friends aren't invited to the wedding proper.

I can get my mind around the idea that someone tries to get all of the 'old gang' together, and that would include people you haven't seen for years, but you'd need to be upfront from the outset that that was the plan, so people know it's more like a kind of pre-wedding reunion not a typical stag or hem.

SquareholeRoundpeg · 21/04/2016 07:02

DH has been invited to a number of stag doos abroad and in home country but not to the wedding. The groom, in this instance, would be an old friend he kept up with at school but not after, but another mutual friend of DH would have remained friends with groom. The mutual friend would just want a rally of men for the groom - the more the merrier as a kind of get together but with a purpose. DH would enjoy seeing old faces but think nothing of not receiving a wedding invite - he would see it as a night out/weekend away with old friends.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 21/04/2016 07:06

The stag being now doesn't necessarily mean the wedding is soon. DP went to a stag last september for a wedding this May!

diddl · 21/04/2016 07:07

Rude imo.

Can he find out if he's invited & not bother with tthe stag if he isn't?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/04/2016 07:07

Was he invited to the stag by the groom?

We had a situation with dh's stag where the best man was organising and wanted to invite his other mate, dh vaguely knew him from over the years but didn't like him at all. He said no, the best man pushed and pushed, we assumed because he had already invited him but not told dh, dh said fine if he wants the weekend away but no way were we inviting them to the wedding as a result. I know they were put out but it was entirely down to the best man, he was there for a weekend away not as it was for dh's stag, if you get me.

Could it be the invite was extended by someone else?

Original poster

NHSisfubar · 21/04/2016 10:28

DP doesn't know any of the other people except the stag and one other guy he is travelling there with. I'm just a bit on his behalf because they didn't even suggest any places to stay and he has been given very little info. He's fine about it but I was a bit surprised when I asked when the wedding was and he said he hadn't been invited! If it were me I'd have said stuff it but I guess he's seeing it as a night out.

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n0ne · 21/04/2016 12:20

I've been invited to a few hen dos where I wasn't invited to the wedding (eg work colleagues) and I must say, I don't like it. Feels like you're just there to make up the numbers and save other people some money. Imho hen/stag dos should be for your closest friends/family.

flso · 21/04/2016 12:29

Weird - maybe the invite was lost? Or maybe the wedding is a little way off? I'd just ask them outright: 'So, when's the wedding? I need to make plans for hotels and travel'.

RaeSkywalker · 21/04/2016 12:36

I went on a hen weekend last year and wasn't invited to the wedding, which we were told was family only. I was fine with this at the time, it was a nice weekend.

It transpired after the events that whilst it was a small wedding, 'some' friends were also invited . My feeling is that if you want someone to go on your stag/hen, you invite them to the wedding, unless the wedding really is family only, in which case fair enough.

Your situation sounds very strange!

GrumpyMummy123 · 21/04/2016 13:08

I think it's really rude to invite people to a hen/ stag do with no intention of inviting to the wedding. Of course there are situationsome where not practical - small weddings, best man/bridesmaid organises the hen/stag do and chooses who to invite etc.

In my opinion the stag/hen do is closest friends and family and close enough to either invite or be told what the wedding situation is in advance eg if a small wedding abroad etc.

My DH has been invited on a couple of stag dos where not invited to wedding. I think it is just wanting to get a big group. He decided not to go to one as decided wasn't actually that good friends with groom and didn't fancy it. The other he went buy was aware he was there to make up the numbers and although not that close to the groom was good friends knew others going and it sound fun.

As long as your DP is fine with it then it's not really an issue!

Original poster

NHSisfubar · 21/04/2016 13:34

Well he is fine with it now but I wonder how fine he will be with it if he gets there and they are all discussing it and he's not invited to the main event! Very odd! I definitely think he and his friend have been invited to make up the numbers but hey ho as long as he enjoys it!

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Charltonangel · 21/04/2016 14:01

I've been to a few hens that I haven't been invited to the wedding - for netball girls. My OH has likewise been on a few stags he hasn't been invited to the wedding for. I've gone for a fun night out but if I had been busy or hadn't fancied it, would t have been worried about saying no. Have just aske OH and he said he's never been on a stag do where the wedding has actually been discussed

Original poster

NHSisfubar · 25/04/2016 00:08

Guess what? He went, it was shit, they were rude and disorganised and left him and his mate sat alone in a pub for 2 hours before they all finally turned up having eaten somewhere different first after the afternoon activity and going home to change. Nice. No mention of invite but even if one came now he'd tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine after that debacle! Can't believe anyone could be so rude!

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