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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

770 replies

tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 16:46

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

OP posts:
BuunyChops · 19/04/2016 19:00

It is not porn…its pictures and video of children been sexually attacked and abused.

AngharadTheSplendid · 19/04/2016 19:00

'Vintage photography' SGB? Pah ha ha. Your comment is actually laughable in its levels of gullibility.

OP my response to the bride would be to ask if she has informed the parents of any children attending that they'll be spending the day with a convicted paedophile.'- 100% agree.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 19/04/2016 19:07

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Original poster
tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 19:09

Thanks all.

To the PP suggesting I'm 'making it all about me'. I appreciate your opinion but I don't think I have. I think I've made it all about HIM.

Which it is. In my opinion, abusers of any kind thrive 'in the dark'; as in they rely on secrets or people not wanting to draw attention to what they do or ignoring it to keep the status quo or to not upset the abuser or people that love the abuser (or feel like they have to invite them to a wedding) Don't mention it because it's in the past and everyone should just ignore it.

This thread has clarified my feelings. And sorry but fuck that!.

If other people are happy to join 'in the dark' - fine. I can't. I'll name it, shine a light on it and be honest. I'm not going to lie to a friend about why I won't attend her wedding as if I have to make an excuse.

And some of the responses on here really are making me question friendships with anyone that is willing to 'put it aside' even for a day.

Some things just can't be put aside even if it makes us feel uncomfortable or might upset others.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 19/04/2016 19:11

Yes, SGB likes to post and remind us all that we're boring, vanilla, crusty robots from time to time.

But referring to the sexual abuse of children as "child porn" is absolutely disgusting and crosses a massive line.

fabulousathome · 19/04/2016 19:12

I would be tempted to attend the ceremony only. Wish them luck and then leave. Might that work for you?

Itsmine · 19/04/2016 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddielizzard · 19/04/2016 19:13

no i don't think i'd be going if it were a casual friend. if it were someone i really cared about a lot, i probably would and try to ignore him. i wouldn't take my kids if i could possibly help it.

VagueIdeas · 19/04/2016 19:14

YANBU OP. I've been in your shoes and I cut contact. No way could I be in the same room as him. I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye without recoiling.

FuriousFate · 19/04/2016 19:15

I wouldn't go to the wedding either. I'd tell the bride and groom why. I'd tell the other friends why. I'd also make sure the venue were aware that a convicted child abuser was going to be on the premises so that they could inform any parents who don't want their children around this piece of scum.

AntiqueSinger · 19/04/2016 19:16

Probably going to get slaughtered and admittedly haven't RTFT, but I think YABU.

Yes what this man did is very odious.

BUT will you be forced to sit with him? Talk to him? Take pictures with him, etc?

The fact of life is that we often have to share places with people that have done terrible things. We cannot exclude everyone whose ever done anything heinous from contact with all human beings forever. That would in theory be going against the spirit of justice.

If I were your friend I personally would not have invited him because other children will be present. But I cannot see why you cannot just go and avoid him. You aren't being required to interact with him. Most weddings are suitably big enough to do this. Unless I missed something upthread.

Seeyounearertime · 19/04/2016 19:17

The fact of life is that we often have to share places with people that have done terrible things

This is true, trouble is the OP has been invited, not forced, she can choose not to be anywhere near a pervert.

Sixweekstowait · 19/04/2016 19:18

Sorry for writing child porn/pornography - I do realise it's child abuse as I think my posts make clear

TheSockGoblin · 19/04/2016 19:19

My view would be that weddings tend to be family events with both children and alcohol in fairly large supply, especially the evening events. So when inviting guests, many of whom will bring their children, I'd probably think it was common sense to NOT invite the convicted child sex offender. So i fail to see how the bride could be so shocked or upset, I actually think she has been thoughtless at best to invite this person. Not to mention..Jesus why the fuck would you want someone around with all your friends and families children when you know what they have done? Twice? Wouldn't you be on high alert and unable to relax? Aside from the moral issues? Or is it that people assume the person wouldn't do something untoward at their event?

In addition I agree with taking a stand against the social collusion that happens around issues like this.

YANBU.

GrimmauldPlace · 19/04/2016 19:19

This thread has really bothered me. Especially SGB's post. To try to minimise his behaviour by saying he might have just downloaded rather than made the images is disgusting. It really is. What difference does it make? It's all contributing to the abuse of children. It's not "porn", to suggest it is makes me feel sick.

Op I think you are 100% right and I salute you. I wish there were more people like you who are willing to stand up and say this isn't right rather than brushing it under the carpet. He made his choice, twice, he doesn't deserve to go on with his life like nothing happened.

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/04/2016 19:20

Antique, the point is that OP has the choice whether to share space with this man, and she chooses not to. Frankly I'm astonished that the bride's choice is any different.

Queenie73 · 19/04/2016 19:21

If the bride was my very best friend, I'd go to the ceremony only, but even then I'd feel very uncomfortable and obviously I wouldn't take my children.
For anyone less than a lifelong and very close friend, I wouldn't go. I might also get in touch with the probation service or local police station to get advice about the legality of him attending a function where there are likely to be children.
Keeping quiet and keeping my opinions to myself wouldn't be an option because I'd never forgive myself if I stayed quiet and later heard that a child had been abused at the wedding.

AngharadTheSplendid · 19/04/2016 19:21

Antique see the OPs last comment if you need clarification of why she doesn't want to just go along and ignore the fact there is a convicted child abuser in the room:

In my opinion, abusers of any kind thrive 'in the dark'; as in they rely on secrets or people not wanting to draw attention to what they do or ignoring it to keep the status quo or to not upset the abuser or people that love the abuser (or feel like they have to invite them to a wedding) Don't mention it because it's in the past and everyone should just ignore it.

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2016 19:22

If you did go you'd be watching him all the time. I have no problem being called a frother if that's what refusing social niceties with convicted paedophiles means. I am vaguely acquainted with one and do not do the polite conversation thing if I bump into him. I don't see why I should.

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/04/2016 19:23

The first thing that suggests to me is the possibility that the 'making' involved downloading existing images ie he did not, himself, assault any children

SGB, surely you realise that these images would not get made if there didn't exist scum like this man who will pay for them?

Esspee · 19/04/2016 19:23

Well done OP, you have standards and are doing what every decent, respectable person would do. The bride should be ashamed of herself for allowing her guests to associate with such scum and should ensure that if any children are attending their parents are informed of the situation.

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2016 19:24

I also let my guard down at close family do (although I'm usually more bothered about cars than paedophiles) assuming everyone related to or friends with my friends/family is trustworthy. Maybe I'm being naive.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2016 19:25

Good for you, op. I wish there were more people like you. Zero tolerance is how I play it.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/04/2016 19:25

Antique in this instance, the OP absolutely doesn't have to share a space with this man.

It is her perogative to turn down the invitation.

And I don't get the angst about the bride's feelings in some of these posts. So bloody what if she gets upset. Why should OP compromise on her morals?

This bride is knowingly welcoming a child abuser into the lives of her family and friends, albeit for one day.

If she did that to me I would be fuming. How dare anyone KNOWINGLY cross my children's paths with someone like this? Why does she get to decide that it's ok for him to be around people?

Lovemylittlebears · 19/04/2016 19:26

Nope defo would not go and would be vocal about why and to be honest I'm normally really polite but in this case would not give a fuck. He shouldn't be invited it's not fair on the other guests. I'm getting married in the summer. NO WAY IN HELL would I invite anyone like that...and if someone was convicted after receiving invite it would be retracted. Stand your grand and politely decline but id make it clear why...people shouldn't sit quiet about these things it's terrible.