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Original poster

AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

6 replies

tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 16:46

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

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MNHQ

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 19/04/2016 21:59

Evening all
We totally get that this is obviously a heated topic.
BUT please keep the "fuck off you twats" to a minimum, yes?
And then the rest of your post won't be lost too, when we have to delete it.
Thanks

MNHQ

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 19/04/2016 22:18

@PaulAnkaTheDog

Paedophile minimisers and apologists 👍

People calling them on their disgusting attitudes 👎

That's what I've got from the deletions.

how about - we are reading through the thread and correlating with posts which have been reported for containing personal attacks?

MNHQ

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 19/04/2016 23:18

Please be assured that there is no attempt to hide anything.
We are not in any way condoning any pro abuse stand points here
It has been an incredibly busy evening here at HQ and we try to ensure that we don't delete threads willy nilly or cover things up
That said, MN's underlying principle is to make lives easier and we did sorry DO not want to upset the OP or also trigger anyone else unnecessarily.

MNHQ

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 19/04/2016 23:51

@sleeponeday

MNHQ can fuck up royally. They did over Anyfucker (sorry, AF, not meaning to use you as exhibit A) not just in what the choice was, but in the amount of info relating to her that they shared in the aftermath. I felt, and feel, that that was wrong. But they can also be stellar on disability - when people post horrible, bigoted posts, they step in, and they delete, and they support. They genuinely do care about that side of things, from responses to reports I've made in the past. And I cannot believe that they care any less about abused children than they do disabled ones.

They've screwed up on this one, I agree. But I would imagine they are trying to apply the usual personal attack policies in a very abnormal and incredibly emotional thread. I agree some of their choices are wrong; I think they've messed up too. But I don't think malice or complacency about abuse is why. I think scrambling to deal with a very difficult situation is.

I imagine they offered to delete the thread as a way to defer to the OP, as they were distressed she was upset, and are scrambling to know how to manage this thread on the fly. They're making it up as they go along, and I would imagine they wanted to give the OP the choice between deleting the thread, and leaving altogether, because they also think she's in the right, and are loathe to have her feel she needs to leave MN over it, when she's coping with the fallout of integrity, and concern for abused children, in her actual life. I'd have been insulted in her position by the offer, too, and suspect it was arse-covering. But I honestly doubt that it was. They're a massive, hugely established site. They will sail on regardless. I think it was an attempt to support the OP.

OP, I hope you stay. Your thinking and integrity and guts in saying what your friends don't want to hear makes you a valuable poster. I'm sorry the thread has gone as it has, when you are already in such a horrible situation with this anyway.

This is exactly what has happened here.

MNHQ

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 20/04/2016 00:01

OP,
Sincere apologies that we have mishandled this thread - as sleeponeday said, and I hope we implied in the sent for speed PM, we were trying to minimise YOUR upset and nothing else.

We're sorry if MN has made things worse for you rather than better and hope that you will reconsider your decision to leave.
Kindest wishes
MNHQ

MNHQ

RebeccaMumsnet · 20/04/2016 10:45

Hi all,

Many thanks for all of the reports about this thread and apologies for any upset caused.

Last night was an exceptionally busy night and there were a few threads that all warranted a lot of attention all at the same time. We weren't quick enough off the mark and for that we apologise.

We do not condone apologists in this sense and we have removed some posts, however, we do allow freedom of speech and that can sometimes include views that others will find offensive. We also do not allow personal attacks, even if they may seem warranted. We believe that people can say how they feel without personally attacking others and we will remove posts that do so.

Watch this thread for updates

Tap "Watch" to get all the latest updates

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