AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

[tomhardyonthewaltzers]

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

[Tiredemma]

Agree with Bumblebee- maybe he is going to get lynched at the wedding.

[badg3r]

Definition of Category A images:
Possession of images involving penetrative sexual activity. Possession of images involving sexual activity with an animal or sadism.
Op YANBU to not go.

[YelloRoses]

Op in regards to you say are you going crazy NO you arent, as you can see from most of the replies you are not but some people do try to look past someones past when it comes to things like this which is really sad on thier part.

As i said earlier my brother is a sexual deviant, my mum used to try make me feel guilty for not wanting to be involved with the family but it was because he was always there, they always seemed to act like he was normal, even my sister who recently told me he acted pervy towards her.
He just came out of prison for sexual assault on an ex girlfriend and my aunty was defending him saying the girl was "lying" and my cousin said how he has "changed"

He cannot changed, NO sexual deviant can change, i dont care what anyone says and the fact my aunty thinks the girl was lying because she met her and she had "attitude"
My aunty is even helping my brother try to get his daughter back after his childs mum banned him considering he is a sexual deviant and he also was accused by her 13yr old sister of touching her.
My aunt is just like my mum and because of him and his disgusting perverted self i had a terrible relationship with my mum because i couldnt see how she can still even talk to him, even after my sister told my mum he touched her when she was a teen she still let him come in her house after he got kicked out of his girlfriends for her sister sayng the same thing.

Paedos are manipulative and compulsive liars and someone like that NEVER changes.

[OnYerBikePan]

I'd wish to post that not all people convicted of offences against children have no capacity to change their thinking, thoughts and behaviour. It's very individual and tricky often. Sometimes it is ingrained, through their own socialisation and messed up boundaries. Which inform how they should think and behave. Which means they can be educated otherwise. As a society we create 'monsters' and so by the same token we can uncreate them. Often.

Or...we can invest in a notion of 'evil' which doesn't really mean anything other than making us feel better about ourselves.

[SuckingEggs]

Or, we can keep children away from people who have offended not only once, but twice.

[OnYerBikePan]

Sure SE totally. I agree. I'd be very very careful in the circs that the OP faces.

[Dontyouopenthattrapdoor]

Saw this today, made me think of this thread. OP if you're still watching, you're doing the right thing.

[stressjug]

YANBU, she has kids with him?!

[Baconyum]

Don'tyouopenthat excellent post

Onyerbike where are you getting that idea from? Paedophiles and rapists have the highest recidivism rates and are very good at convincing people they've changed to the point of eg getting unsupervised access to children only to transgress again! Research doesn't bear out what you said.

[OnYerBikePan]

Go on then Baconymum which bit of what I've said is wrong? Which I'd posted in relation to the post above it.
Paedophiles and rapists have the highest recidivism rates. Really? More than say shoplifters for eg? esp the 'getting unsupervised access to children' bit. You've big claims there,

[Baconyum]

I'm guessing you're referring to conviction rates onyerbike

Yet those of us who've worked in the area and who've been victims know

It's rarely reported

Reasons including fear of not being believed, the victim being too young to be aware it's wrong/a crime, lack of physical evidence, fear of the perpetrator, fear of retribution from the perpetrator/their supporters

Even if it is reported it's not always investigated

Victim isn't believed, lack of evidence, position of the perpetrator (celebrity perpetrators are the most obvious example of this but I KNOW of cases where it's not been investigated because the perpetrator was a 'pillar of society' had powerful friends etc)

Even if it is investigated it may not make it to court

Perpetrator has died
Perpetrator has power
Lack of physical/corroborating evidence

Even if it does make it to court they're found not guilty (which is NOT the same as innocent)

Lack of physical/corroborating evidence, lack of witnesses (as with sexual assault of an adult these crimes tend to take place in private)

The still present bias towards certain victims/for certain perpetrators (again celebrity perpetrators/pillars of community, unsympathetic victims - look at Rotherham)

Recidivism in terms of the same victim being repeatedly victimised (evidenced on this thread victims who were victimised for YEARS by the same perpetrator).

Talk to the charities that deal with the aftermath and they'll tell you the rates of these crimes and recidivism is FAR higher than 'official' or rates of conviction seem to convey.

[Baconyum]

I've sat in on case conferences where repeat offenders have been given back unsupervised access TO THEIR VICTIMS!

[OnYerBikePan]

There's nothing you've said there that countermands anything I posted above in relation to YelloRoses. As some who does work in this area I am fully aware of the detail you've posted, but it's useful to have them re-stated, so thanks for that.

[Baconyum]

So in other words you yourself are saying you know the reality so should know better than to make the claims you did

[OnYerBikePan]

oh that's nonsense. not prepared to play internet table tennis with you.

[Baconyum]

I'm not playing any more? That's your best response?

[StillYummy]

If the bride seemed OK when you told her say to everyone
"I am sorry that I can not ignore my principles and feelings on this matter. ....bride... Is a good enough friend to accept that and not ask me to, it would be nice if you could do the same"

If the bride was not happy when you told her
"While we do not agree on this ...bride... And I will hopefully not let this effect our friendship. Please do not try to change my mind semi have made my choice"

Either way do not change your mind. Yanbu.

[StillYummy]

As I, not semi!

[MissTriggs]

I had not realised that turning a blind eye is still the norm in society

I turned a blind eye to something when I was 19 (charismatic lecturer)and looking back I see I was inadvertently "feeding" his narrative that it would be ok to have sex with his daughter
I am not proud of that but suspect I am alone

[agentmarmalade]

crikey! Ive only read page one but still... Who the hell invites a known nonce to their wedding?
He is a nonce for gods sake, what about all the kids that might be there!
NO!