AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

[tomhardyonthewaltzers]

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

[SoupDragon]

The fCt that he was convicted that is.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Nothing turns people into foaming, gibbering hysterics more than 'child porn' - the mere mention of it and people forget how to think.

Is that your experience? How very very odd. My experience is that people think very clearly. For example the OP rationally decided that since this man had committed a terrible crime, she did not want to socialise with him. I'm struggling to see a foam or a gibber there.

It is interesting how far people will strain logic to minimise or deny serious crimes. there was a thread on here recently about families still opening their arms and homes to family members who had raped their relatives. It is baffling on one level but clearly very common that people just don't want to face this when it is in their own lives even though they'd probably be the first to say "what an animal, should be hanged" if they read it about a stranger in the Daily Mail.

[Waltermittythesequel]

'Nothing turns people into foaming, gibbering hysterics more than 'child porn' - the mere mention of it and people forget how to think.

Using this type of language about such an emotive subject, especially when there are so many victims on MN is really out of order.

How dismissive and sneery you are. Completely unnecessary.

I would much rather the subject cause foaming than become in any way socially acceptable.

OP my response to the bride would be to ask if she has informed the parents of any children attending that they'll be spending the day with a convicted paedophile.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

It's also in the OP that he was imprisoned. That doesn't happen to someone possessing a few drawings.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

OP my response to the bride would be to ask if she has informed the parents of any children attending that they'll be spending the day with a convicted paedophile.



This.

[Seeyounearertime]

OP my response to the bride would be to ask if she has informed the parents of any children attending that they'll be spending the day with a convicted paedophile.

Agreed, I'd then ask anyone who's trying to exert any pressure if they are taking their children along with them.

[Sixweekstowait]

MyFavourite the information about his being jailed for a second set of offences was in the OP. I can't believe that I'm reading posts that are acting as apologists for downloading child porn. Do you know what the highest category covers? I simply cannot believe some people are saying go for the bride's sake . If she's upset - tough- it would be as nothing compared to the upset to those children, just go and Google the categories of child pornography and then come back and say youd allow a man like that anywhere near any child .

[Pseudo341]

YANBU. I'd be distancing myself from any friends who thought it was okay to downplay something like this. No way would I go to that wedding.

[Griphook]

Well done op for having some principles and sticking by them.
The bride on the other hand has made a choice to include a child abuser at her wedding, and is upset that you have choose not to come. I cat understand why she would would think that
You were the one with the problem.

Are there other children going.
As an aside if you did go would you be able to keep quite. I wouldn't.

[JessTitchener]

My best friend when I was a teenager had a boyfriend who attempted to sexually assault me in a nightclub and then went on to commit a horrendous sexual assault against a vulnerable person.

She has stuck by him throughout, including his lengthy prison sentence. They have children now.

Luckily, our friendship group were equally revolted by his actions and we all cut both of them out of our lives.
It was very sad, as she was such a good friend but there was no way any of us could condone not only his behaviour but her also her refusal to leave him.

Her family have slight contact with her, for the sake of the children and considering that the person he assaulted was her special needs sister, it's incredible they can even do that.

YANBU to not only not attend the wedding but to also rethink your friendship with people who are trying to emotionally blackmail you.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Jess, that is awful. I do wonder what these people say to the kids when they are adults, because it will come out. How would you deal with knowing that your father sexually assaulted your vulnerable aunt and was convicted of it?

[Capricorn76]

It's not 'child porn' ffs it's child abuse.

Well done OP on showing some integrity. I'd think twice about that friendship group tbh. They may not have kids but you don't have to be a parent to know not to break bread with a convicted peadophile.

[MaddyHatter]

SGB

Did you actually READ the OP, or just get a sentence in and decide to be a child abuse apologist?

There is no such thing as 'child porn' its pictures of child rape and abuse.

and he was caught TWICE and JAILED for it.

FFS.

[NameChanger22]

The bride should have invited him, it's therefore her fault if people don't want to come because of her decision. I wouldn't go, no way would I.

[Capricorn76]

I've also read that some peadophiles become parents so they can abuse their kids. Maybe his DP is one too? I'd be side eyeing his DP so hard my eyes would fall out.

[Carminia]

You have made the right decision. In your place, no way I would go.
I cannot believe he is being invited... Seriusly??!!! Don't go

[SuckingEggs]

You child abuse apologists should be ashamed. Disgusting.

Conniptions, my arse. You go ahead defending these perverts if it makes you happy

[Sparklingsky]

Reading some of these comments has really brought home to me how much (inadvertent?) social collusion goes on.

Are people really suggesting that they would choose to sit next to a man who enjoys observing the rape of a minor and who financially contributes to the people who profit from these offences?

Some things need a walk out. Yes this can be done politely. Perhaps the bride's consternation is due to embarrassment. Who knows! But I wouldnt attempt to protect the feelings of a grown woman who has invited a man convicted of this to a family event.

The more we make it clear that these things are not acceptable to anyone is OUR CONTRINUTION TO PROTECTING THE VULNERABLE IN OUR SOCIETY. We might not be able to do more than refuse to accept a social invitation. But we should use this choice wisely. Would you really want to spend time, or include an individual with these proclivities??. The bride is clearly making a choice. The OP has a right to also choose. No drama. A quiet refusal with a specific reason. If friends are leaning on the OP to not upset the bride then they are losing perspective. What values are the espousing! Bride's feelings are not the issue. The invitation to this man is the issue - surely. Perhaps the only way the OP can get these people to reflect on their choices is to say no thank you.

[edwardsmum11]

I wouldn't go. I had a similar situation with a funeral recently and it ended up as a them and us situation as it was too risky for my son to be around them.
Thankfully they had the decency to not go in the end so we could because there was no way I would risk the safety of my son.

[coffeeisnectar]

Not only would I not attend but I'd be seriously questioning my friendship group which seems unable to understand the seriousness of this mans crimes.

Quite why they haven't all cut contact is baffling.

[TheCraicDealer]

I want to make a stand. To say it is not okay that you did that, you contributed to the sexual abuse of children. And it isn't just about you serving your time - there are other consequences including people who once liked and respected you not wanting to know you any more.

Fair fucks my friend. More people should think like the OP and stand up for the victims of these crimes rather than falling over themselves to move on to save face or keep the peace. He is contributing to the abuse of children even if he had 'just' been a consumer rather than a producer. How women can stand by someone like that I will never understand.

I'd say the main reason the bride is upset is that she knows herself the fella is disgusting but that she knows she doesn't have the courage to deal with the fall out if she cuts him off. The OP making it clear it's unacceptable makes her feel guilty, but if OP plays along she (and the other mates) can continue in her little bubble of "but it wasn't that bad what he did".

[sleeponeday]

Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married.

Then perhaps she shouldn't invite a fucking recidivist paedophile to her wedding.

Good for you, OP.

[TealLove]

Please don't use the term " child porn" it's so offensive.
They are images of the sexual torture if children let's be real here