AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

[tomhardyonthewaltzers]

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

[CookieDoughKid]

The police, social welfare etc etc, can't police them in public all the time. It's just not possible. In my case, he was a repeat offender (twice arrested and convicted) yet his family stood by him and willingly, willingly let him be around their grandchildren. That's why I've cut contact with all of the toxic bunch of fuckers but before I did cut contact.

I'll let you, I had the delightful opportunity and privilege to speak to a real life paedophile, the one who abused my dc, after he completed his time and treatment - unlike the majority of these posters here. Imagine being a fly on the wall on that conversation. It was very very interesting indeed.

Do I want to see him criminalised for the rest of his life? No. He can't help himself. He damn well knows what he did was wrong. He acted on an urge, opportunistically and he didn't become who he did overnight. It was years and years and years of fantasy which he couldn't control. He's had therapy and hopefully the speed bumps are in place to prevent it from happening again.

He is a very well educated, a well brought up man. Do I wish to be socialising with him and have my dc in his presence again? Absolutely not.

So please. Let's cut the bullshit here. Back to the op. It's on the bride and groom to take the moral stance and let all their guests know, a peodophile is being invited on their wedding invite. They can still have their special day and all that jazz. Just allow the parents - and the peodophile in question - to have the right information to make up their own minds as to whether they should attend. Just like if meat is being served on the menu. I'd like to know because I'm a vegetarian. Sarcastically

[Sn0tnose]

This thread has made me cry. I am a victim of child sex abuse. I say victim and not survivor because, along with many others, it has fucked me up beyond repair. Over 30 years later I physically cannot bring myself to verbalise what happened to me and my abuse certainly wasn't the worst I have heard of. I still have flashbacks. I still feel dirty.

The lowest category of pictures may well include those where no harm was caused to the child. However, if someone is looking at those pictures with any sexual thoughts whatsoever, then that makes them a monster. It doesn't matter whether they've 'paid their debt to society' or not (and what a fucking horrific attitude that is, btw). Try asking anyone who has suffered child abuse whether they feel that a debt has been repaid.

OP, I doubt you will see this, but I applaud you for taking the stand you have, and for telling the bride why you won't be attending. Too many abusers are allowed to serve their (frankly, laughable) sentence and get on with their lives, safe in the knowledge that some of their friends and relatives will minimise their offences or bow to pressure not to make a fuss, so they can carry on with their lives as before. Not only do these monsters need to experience an ounce of the revulsion that they leave some of their victims with, but all of the minimisers and the apologists need to realise that their decisions also carry consequences, such as people questioning their judgement and deciding to distance themselves. In this case, the bride and groom are gambling with the safety of other people's children.

Some posters have said that social isolation is linked to a higher rate of re-offending and I expect that there are figures to support that sexual attraction towards a child doesn't always mean that an offence will be committed. But if a paedophile has crossed that line and offended, there is nothing on earth that will convince me that they won't remain a serious danger to children for the rest of their lives, irrespective of whether they are welcomed back into their families and communities.

[Sn0tnose]

I just wanted to edit my post; I've just read an earlier post giving the definition of Category One pictures. Please excuse my ignorance.

[Grewupinacult]

I am one of those children.
I was pimped out by my parents to make videos and photos for distribution to sick bastards just like him. I was being abused, money was being made, from my degradation and torture BECAUSE of the market that people like him created.
It happened because people like him wanted it to.
People that may very well have never touched a child in real life BUT certainly made sure I got raped and tortured.
So this bullshit about "low level" offenders or having "paid their debt" doesn't wash with me I'm afraid.
I'm a fully grown adult now and aside from the daily horrendous PTSD I try to survive, I still get the horrors at the thought that out there somewhere could STILL be pictures or film in existence. That it is floating around the Internet and being downloaded. It might even be "vintage images" like some fucking callous poster mentioned.
And this apologist feel sorry for the paedophile is beyond belief. Fuck him. And fuck anyone who thinks he deserves even a second of care or consideration.

[AnyFucker]

I am so sorry you two last posters

[havetosaythis]

God I'm so sorry too . It's brave and important of cookie, grewup and snotnose to tell their stories.

[WellErrr]

[TutanKaDashian]

Why does she want a Paedophile at her wedding is the obvious question? If your friend was that desperate for you to come then he would have been uninvited. This is an unforgivable crime and I'm not surprised he doesn't live with him children, I'm assuming he's not allowed by law.

[SuckingEggs]

Christ, why the fuck do people like those who have gone - and are going through hell - have to tell their accounts to ram the point home?

It's unforgivable of you apologists that you need to hear this to understand. Be ashamed. You are vile.

to you survivors.

[Loopy22]

What kind of werdios are they? If the man in question lived round us, he'd have both his legs broken and put in a ditch. My family and friends would be horrifide if I invited a Peido to a wedding! They would also question my own sanity, and moral stance.

[bumblebee1234]

Some people live in a little bubble and they don't understand what is going on in the real world. I think thats why the OP left child abuse is not a discussion I wonder how the McCanns would feel reading this. I feel sorry for the people who has to share their stories isn't anyone thinking about these people who actually went through it. Pedophiles have been around for a long time 100's of years attitudes have to change for this to stop. The cycle keeps on repeating I want to know who the pedophiles are in my area I have 4 children to watch over.

The stories my partner told me when he worked in a children's home haunted him. When the girls went missing he would jump in his car although he weren't meant and look for them. He knew what they were going to do. There was a line of men waiting to abuse this young girl. Attitudes need to change its not normal.

[Yoksha]

I followed this thread from the get go. I'd like to add my tuppence worth.

I am a 59yr old battle weary soldier of early childhood abuse by (to begin with) an uncle. I'm not a survivor, because most days are a battle.

I was a member of a cult for 32yrs because I longed for a time where all sorts of human vileness would be eradicated. I stumbled upon an article online about how this organisation deals/dealt with abusers/child abuse. I uncovered a totally verifiable pandora's box of worlwide evidence. I was totally devastated. At first I didn't want to live. I had a breakdown, but I knew I could no longer be part of a "religion" that became what I now know as apologists. I walked away. This was my whole way of life. But I wake up in the morning comfortable with my decision. This can be debated until the cows come home. I'm with the OP, and I beg her not to resign from mumsnet. We need people who are not afaid to stand up and be counted.

[bumblebee1234]

I can't help but think that apologists are at it themselves. I struggle to fit my head around what an apologist is and why.

[BoatyMcBoat]

I think that in wider society, it should be renamed 'child torture' or 'torture of children' to make it absolutely clear how vile this crime is. I don't think that 'abuse' is a strong enough word (though it should be, but it has such a wide range of meaning, from calling someone a name upwards; 'torture' is unequivocal). We seem to need to hit people in the face to stop them from shying away. When more people understand the devastation to life involved, and the enormous and very real cost to the individual, the more likely it is that these particular criminals will have nowhere to hide and no one to hide behind.

I do think that it is up to us to shun people who commit these appalling crimes. Only a few people, even just one person - like the op - standing up against one perpetrator can begin a movement. It takes time, but if we all stand up and say "no, bugger the social niceties" a better society can be built.

To set an example can be a scary experience, and all power to you, op, for doing it. That example has opened a door for others to step through, and will have made more consider their stances, even if that doesn't show yet. It is up to all of us to follow your lead.

to all of you who have been brave enough to tell their stories here. Bless you all; I hope your torturers come to justice.

[SuckingEggs]

There is no reason for the OP to leave MN.

There is PLENTY of reason for child abuse apologists to FOTTFSOFATFOSM

[Yoksha]

I don't think most apologists are at it. I think they maýbe believe that acting normally is the best course to take. Like, "lets behave in a civilised manner and others should/will accept this and fall into line". But hey ho, that isn't what happens. Some can't and won't accept this screwed up normallising behaviour. This is why threads like this crop up. The majority on here are appalled at accepting being around a peadophile in a celebratory fashion as unhinged. Even if you've never had your psyche affected by child sexual abuse. If you understand how someone who hasn't been abused feels with regard to moral outrage, then imagine how someone who has suffered this abuse feels? That's why it's important to have a wide spectrum of opinions.

I don't know if it's been covered upthread. But I do wonder about the legality of allowing this registered peado to be in a social situation? It's possible that there's no children attending, so it isn't an issue.

[bumblebee1234]

I just recently found out about the director of Jeepers Creepers a registered pedophile. He still has his career but he must not have children on his set. The boy who he abused does not have a career in acting. I don't think enough is done for the victims. Let the abuser live a normal life he deserves it. I agree it does take 1 person to stand up and say no no more.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Plenty of people share their experiences of horrific abuse and still people think paedophiles are allowed to move on with their lives.

Using peados makes it feel like a slang term of affection in my opinion. I know it isn't and I'm sure it is me getting the words wrong but hopefully someone understands what I'm trying and failing to say.

[PleasePleasePleaseMN]

I gave birth to him the blame would lie with me I would blame myself.

I think it's important we don't blame the mothers.. we blame the perpetrators. It must be hard enough to think you've given birth to an abuser but not also be saddled with unfair guilt

[Yoksha]

goingtobeawesome,

You're correct. Having read your comment, shortening it makes it out to be slang. I'm just mentally tired, and can't be ared using the full word. Not an excuse, but an explanation. It conjures up speedos/budgie smugglers.

[ParanoidGynodroid]

I didn't know that about the director of Jeepers Creepers, but worse still is Roman Polanski. Despite not being allowed to enter the US and other countries that have extradition agreements with it, he is still lauded and applauded by the film industry, still working, receiving prestigious awards and having top actors happy to be part of his films.
He fled the US after on 42 days of his sentence for sodomising a 13 year old girl after plying her with champagne. And nobody in the film industry seems to care.

It's a fucking disgrace.

[Peyia]

So sorry Grewupinacult

[mygorgeousmilo]

YANBU there is no way I would go! I would, albeit painfully, be reconsidering my friendships with all concerned. The man is scum. There are all sorts of wonderful people in the world to get to know and be friends with. It seems bizarre that these people clearly have a variety of friends, they're (I think) not vulnerable or damaged - so why on earth would they actively CHOOSE to be friends with a sex offender?! I would have no association with him whatsoever, not even in the context of being a friend of a friend! Please don't go!

[bumblebee1234]

Maybe the other guests who are going are going to punch him up. There has to be something going on who on earth would break bread with a convicted pedophile.