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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like i shouldn't have to apologise?

28 replies

Isawahatonce · 08/04/2016 23:00

I'm prepared to be told IABU
I'm been staying with my mum for the past 4 weeks and have not seen DP. I went to go to bed and i messaged him to say goodnight and he asked if something was wrong because i hadn't been talking to him for the past hour. I looked back and saw that he'd messaged me about an hour earlier (before which we'd been having a conversation which, to my mind, had ended) and i hadn't replied (because i hadn't seen it - which he must have been able to tell). I said i was fine and asked if he was ok and he said no - he felt like i'd been ignoring him and wasn't interested in our conversation. I said i was sorry a couple of times but he kept saying that i'd been igoring him and didn't i understand how i made him feel? I didn't know what to say so i told him that and that i'd said i was sorry and he said he accepted my apology but he needed me to understand how i'd made me feel. The way he said it felt to me like he was being very patronising and telling me off which, admittedly, i don't deal well with.
AIBU to think i really didn't do anything that terrible?

OP posts:

AliceScarlett · 08/04/2016 23:02

I don't think yabu, you didn't see a msg, so what? If it was important he could have called.

PurpleDaisies · 08/04/2016 23:03

He sounds like hard work. You weren't unreasonable here.

How are things normally in your relationship?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/04/2016 23:05

By your own admission. You said sorry a couple of times. So what more does he want. You didn't see the message end of story. You can't sit staring at your phone 24/7.

Original poster

Isawahatonce · 08/04/2016 23:07

He's generally lovely to be honest - i have some issues that he deals really well with but he can be very needy and i often feel like i need some space. This is the first time i've kind of felt like he was talking down to me though.

OP posts:

WonderingAspie · 08/04/2016 23:42

YANBU. You didn't know he had messaged. He felt bad and ignored, you apologised, that's the end of it. He is being ridiculous.

Original poster

Isawahatonce · 08/04/2016 23:52

Any tips on what i should say when he undoubtedly brings it up again tomorrow?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 08/04/2016 23:54

Just be honest about how he made you feel when he talked down to you. It's not fair to expect an immediate reply to a text and he should know you didn't appreciate how he behaved towards you.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2016 23:56

Id tell him to stop being so needy.

Original poster

Isawahatonce · 09/04/2016 00:02

I don't want to say anything that will cause an argument. I also do feel pretty guilty that i've upset him. I will try to talk to him about how i felt he was talking down to me but i expect i'll wimp out.

OP posts:

memyselfandaye · 09/04/2016 00:11

That all sounds like a lot of hard work. Look at some of the words you have used, guilty, apologising, upset, patronising, needy.

Is he worth it? He sounds like a clingy child.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/04/2016 00:21

Honestly op, I couldn't be bothered with this.
Not great to be needy, even worse to start an argument when you get called on it. Childish.

MartinaJ · 09/04/2016 01:03

he sounds like a petulant child

ScaredOffMyBoss · 09/04/2016 01:23

He was like this after an hour? That's very needy.

How come you haven't seen him and have been at your mums? How long until you see each other again?

MargotLovedTom · 09/04/2016 01:28

Well yes, it does sound needy etc, but then reasons for being apart for the last month may be pertinent to that? Or it may be as simple as he's feeling the distance and missing you.

LittleMisslovesspiders · 09/04/2016 01:55

Well yes, it does sound needy etc, but then reasons for being apart for the last month may be pertinent to that? Or it may be as simple as he's feeling the distance and missing you

I agree. There may be more at 'play' here.

DoreenLethal · 09/04/2016 07:09

What i would say without a back story is 'i didnt see a text. You made me feel x and y because you are trying to guilt trip me. I do not like this. Either get over it or we will have to talk about why you feel the need to belittle me about a fucking text'.

daisychain01 · 09/04/2016 07:48

Couldn't you both stop all the texting and actually pick up the phone and talk to each other?? It all sounds so asynchronous

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/04/2016 07:53

Why haven't you seen him in a month?

I'm guessing that it's this that's made him insecure and feel a bit neglected, and it's just come to the surface because he was talking to you and felt you ignored him.

Will you see each other soon? Do you want to see him?

If you've been together a while and this is a new challenge, I'd try and drop it and move on. If he brings it up again, just say that it is hard being apart and you hadn't seen the text, but you've apologised and You can both move on.

If this is likely to be the state of play for a while, or he's generally needy and a pain, I'd be considering it it's worth the effort.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/04/2016 07:55

This is a minor thing sometimes saying sorry and being the bigger person is the right way to go.

The guy has been left for four weeks, you thought (wrongly) that a convo between you was over and it wasn't so imo why does he have to be slated on here! Fgs you've got time to write on here why not drill your energy into your relationship!

AugustaFinkNottle · 09/04/2016 08:17

Ask him why he didn't use his phone to call you if he was that bothered.

FinallyHere · 09/04/2016 08:29

There is another things which stands out for me: does he really say 'you make me feel....' rather than 'when you,,,,, I feel.....' It may sounds like semantics but there is a big difference. You honestly can't 'make' him feel something. If you could, wouldn't you now 'make' him feel happy and relaxed?

Having a relationship with someone who doesn't own their own feelings is always going to be hard wok.

madcapcat · 09/04/2016 08:35

Wouldn't the grown up thing be to say something on the lines of I realise that because I hadn't seen your message and replied last night you felt ignored. I'm sorry I made you feel like that. When you tell me off after I've explained and apologised, I feel patronised/talked down to?

Original poster

Isawahatonce · 09/04/2016 11:50

Thank you to everyone who's replied. To those of you who say he sounds like hard work - he can be but so can i, it's definitely not something i'd consider ending our relationship over.
I haven't seen him for the past four weeks because i'm visiting my mum which is quite a distance from where he lives. We both knew beforehand that we wouldn't be seeing each other but agreed to skype and txt regularly (which we have) - we're not really into talking on the phone but i will tell him that he can always call me if he's upset. I go back home monday so i will see him then.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2016 11:53

Oh god, he's upset because you didn't reply to texts within an hour? Yet not quite upset enough to phone you? I would hate to be at someone's beck and call like that.

Janeymoo50 · 09/04/2016 11:54

He's missing you and probably lonely so perhaps an overeaction on his part. Talk to him, not text (when practically possible). You are both probably just wanting to back together etc.

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