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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have expected a gesture to say thank you

25 replies

SandlakeRd · 07/04/2016 18:26

We are just on the way back from a cottage holiday with DP and the PILs. We booked it with the PILs and due to limited availability we ended up with one spare bedroom. We knew the cost and were happy to pay as th cottage was otherwise perfect.

At the last minute DPs cousin asked if they could come. Obviously enough room at the cottage and there was also no room in the car so no problem. The cousin is a really nice lad.

Cousin contributed to the shared costs etc during the break. We did not formally ask for a money towards the cottage as we had paid anyway but I had hoped he may offer to pay for a meal as he got a v cheap holiday. He is earning a decent wage (more than me and lives at home!) so money not an issue.

So we all left today and he did say thank you but that was all. No gesture or contribution. Given we had already paid for the cottage and not asked for anything AIBU to think he could have made a gesture of thanks?

OP posts:

Shallishanti · 07/04/2016 18:30

so, he said thank you and contributed to the costs, and you didn't ask for anything?
what more do you expect?
you had already paid for the cottage, I think YABU

TalkMeDownPlease · 07/04/2016 18:32

YABU.
Don't give something as a nice gesture if you expect something in return. You offered a room for free, not with strings attached, he's not a mind reader. Makes it into not such a nice gesture if that's going through your mind.

MackerelOfFact · 07/04/2016 18:32

If he contributed while he was there and said thank you then YABU a little I think. If you wanted something towards the cost of the accommodation you should have made that clear upfront. If it really wasn't a problem with him coming then there shouldn't be an issue really.

Personally I'd have given you a gift though!

IthinkIamsinking · 07/04/2016 18:33

You said he contributed to costs while you were there. YABU and a bit petty.

lougle · 07/04/2016 18:33

YABU - it hadn't cost you anything to have him there and he paid towards the cost of daily living. Unless you said 'yes you're welcome but the coast will be...' how was he to know?

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2016 18:34

I wouldn't have expected that from family, no.

Sirzy · 07/04/2016 18:37

If you had wanted him to pay towards it you should have made that clear at the point of him asking to come.

He said thank you and he paid his way whilst away so yabu.

bakeoffcake · 07/04/2016 18:41

As long as he said thank you I wouldn't have expected anything else at all.

Mind you, if this were me getting the free room, I would have paid for a meal out or bought some extra special bits for everyone. But I wouldn't expect that from anyone else.

LynetteScavo · 07/04/2016 18:43

*Cousin contributed to the shared costs etc during the break.

If you wanted him to contribute towards the cost of accomodation, you should have said.

He verbally thanked you - did you want flowers too?

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 07/04/2016 18:45

Yabu

He contributed to costs and thanked you, and was no trouble to have join you

If you wanted more you should've said so

Sunshowercap · 07/04/2016 18:46

I think if it had been me in your cousin's position, I'd have offered at the point of making the arrangements. Just said, "I'd like to make a contribution to the cottage hire"

So I don't think you are BU. But I suspect you'll just have to let it go.

VenusInFauxFurs · 07/04/2016 18:47

YABU. He contributed to costs. He didn't take the piss. He said thank you. He's a "really nice lad".

That's enough, surely?

And it's not like you're never going to see him again. He may well reciprocate some way in the future in a "Don't worry I'll get this, you paid for that cottage earlier this year" way.

Not that you should necessarily expect that either. But that's more likely how my mind would work.

AugustaFinkNottle · 07/04/2016 18:54

I think at the very least he should have taken you out for a meal or bought you a present.

Idefix · 07/04/2016 18:56

Thank you is a gesture, it personal expression of gratitude... yabu.

Original poster

SandlakeRd · 07/04/2016 19:09

Ok - I am being unreasonable and petty! I just thought if I was the cousin I would have offered to pay for a meal or something like that in recognition of a benefitting from a v cheap holiday. We went somewhere he really likes hence him joining us.

OP posts:

Hassled · 07/04/2016 19:16

Oh I think he should have done something - saying thank you is nice and all, but it doesn't really cut the mustard here, does it? Not in the face of a free holiday. A bunch of flowers or a pub lunch or something wouldn't have gone amiss.

bornwithaplasticspoon · 07/04/2016 19:21

I wouldn't have expected anything other than shared costs as the room was spare, however, I agree a small gesture of thanks would have been welcome. Was he generally helpful with the inlaws/kids?

He may well thank you in another way in the future, if you need a favour etc

Itinerary · 07/04/2016 19:22

YABU

MrsDeVere · 07/04/2016 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AugustaFinkNottle · 07/04/2016 19:22

I find it pretty amazing that so many people think that it's fine to take a holiday worth a few hundred quid and do no more than contribute a bit to day to day costs. Would all of you seriously not think that you should offer at least to take your hosts out for a meal or buy a present for them?

Original poster

SandlakeRd · 07/04/2016 19:36

i would have been annoyed had he not contributed his share of the "kitty" but he did so that is fair enough. Also I don't expect him to pay his proportion of the total cost of the cottage. We also hired a car so we could all travel together. Again there was space so we didn't ask for any money.

I will let it go as we had a good time but if I were in his position I would still have paid for a group meal at the end of the holiday.

OP posts:

Owllady · 07/04/2016 19:44

It sounds like you have been very generous :) but it doesn't sound as if anyone has behaved badly
In future I'd be a bit more explicit about contributions or just bugger off without them!
I do get how you feel though, we have family gatecrash (without invite) our holiday every year and they do give us cash etc but I'm expected to cook, wait on them and look after my children etc. It irritates me a bit. Especially as I got quite drunk one year and they all went on about what a bad mother I was

sooperdooper · 07/04/2016 19:45

Yabu - if you wanted him to contribute more you should've said so upfront.

Don't offer something with strings attached but be annoyed when you haven't communicated what those strings are!

JuxtapositionRecords · 07/04/2016 19:45

A meal for 5 (?) of you would be pretty expensive though, in some cases the same cost of his portion of the cottage hire.

curren · 07/04/2016 20:07

I would have offered to pay something towards the cottage.

However I wouldn't expect it off anyone else. Mum and dad are coming away with us, under similar circumstances.

They want to pay some towards it. I don't want them to. It's not costing us anything for them to come.

If I wanted them to pay something towards it, I would have asked them outright.

I would just let this go.

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