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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let ds friend sleep tonight

22 replies

blackheartsgirl · 04/04/2016 15:23

Both boys are 16. I don't know this lad at all. Apparently they are in school together and share a mutual friend who I do know.

They've had a sleepover at at mutual friends and Ds wants him to sleep tonight.

I've said no. My reasons are i don't know him. AT ALL. I've 3 much younger girls 2 of which get quite anxious at strangers in the house.

My house is a shit tip. Its awful.

Dp is due back on nights tomorrow so he likes Monday evening to relax. He can't with ds as ds is very loud and obnoxious with the family when he has company

Now I don't mind his other 2 mates, I've known for years. One quite cheerfully mucks in and informs me his own house is a tip and hes lovely with my girls so that would have been ok maybe but stranger? Hmmm.
Ds has aspergers and adhd so can be a handful at times. He's had a kick off saying I'm horrible and uptight and a bitch for saying no. Am I?

OP posts:

Primaryteach87 · 04/04/2016 15:26

My parents were quite open with having my friends over. I appreciated it and as a result my mum knew all the ins and outs of my teen life! I don't think yabu but equally I don't think it's a bad thing for him to ask. It's his friend, so not a total stranger....

Fairenuff · 04/04/2016 15:29

I was going to say that you were being unreasonable and to give this friendship a chance but after he spoke to you like that, no way.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 04/04/2016 15:31

I know what your saying and i agree but he is a stranger to my girls, they get anxious at having people they don't know in the house. My house is an open door normally.My teens bring their friends in a lot. I'm just a bit iffy about people I personally don't know sleeping boy or girl

OP posts:

OpenMe · 04/04/2016 15:32

I agree with Fairenuff. Initially I was going to say you were a bit harsh, it's his home too etc etc but there's no way on earth my DS would get what he wanted after speaking to me like that.

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/04/2016 15:32

YANBU, your house, your choice. And after he spoke to you like that, DEFINITELY not. If I'd spoken to my mother like that (and I have Aspergers as well), I'd have been banned from having sleepovers for quite some time.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 04/04/2016 15:33

They stay up all night screaming down their mikes at the Xbox and cackling. It makes us miserable.

I've never once met this boy. I don't even know what he looks like

OP posts:

Happygoluckyy · 04/04/2016 15:35

Your son has asd so him calling you that i wouldn't take it personal but you should be willing to meet him half way and say he can stay another day and arrange a day that suits you all. Go talk to him tell him you understand that it's upset him not having his friend round and its not possible for him to come tonight but they can arrange for another night this also gives you a chance to tidy up and you can meet him then?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2016 15:35

He's had a kick off saying I'm horrible and uptight and a bitch for saying no. You can't say yes now, can you?

However, my mum always let my random male and female friends and even boyfriends (in separate rooms with the hall patrolled by dogs and security) stay over. Kept me and them safer, I think. If they were OK by me, they were OK by her. And this included pierced, tattooed and rather scary looking friends.

She let three of them live there at various points. Impending homelessness in all cases.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 04/04/2016 15:37

I have put up a lot with ds, he's quite aggressive. His regular friends know him very well and can handle him but the other boy doesn't.

Once I know this lad I won't mind.

Yes it's Ds house but it's also my house,my dps house and my girls house too.

OP posts:

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 04/04/2016 15:41

Oh its fine once I know him. I have his other friends to stay all the time.

His room is such a tip. I can't even imagine anyone wanting to set foot in their let alone sleep

OP posts:

MattDillonsPants · 04/04/2016 15:41

You're not harsh to not let him stay. You don't need ANY excuse to refuse a sleepover. I turned my DD down for one this weekend because her mates were here for a good chunk of last weekend.

I don't like sleepovers. They disrupt everyone else and like your DDs they make me bloody anxious!

I suspect that because of DS's Aspergers you worry about not supporting his friendships but you're doing the right thing in my opinion. Of course it's his home too but you're in charge of it.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2016 15:44

No after he spoke to you like that. But get to know this lad, let your ds have him over for a few hours, every now and again,how else are you going to get to know him!

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 04/04/2016 15:53

I will do. Like I said I've got no problem getting to know this lad just not for the first time in a sleepover

OP posts:

PPie10 · 04/04/2016 15:56

Yanbu, he has a vile mouth and shouldn't think if he bullies you That you will give in. What a swine for speaking to you like that.

Itinerary · 04/04/2016 15:56

YANBU. It's fair enough if you'd like to get to know this person before he stays at your house.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 04/04/2016 15:59

Matt they do make us anxious dds especially. One of his mates who he doesnt see anymore caused so much trouble 3 years ago that police were called as Ds and friend went missing in the night. My girls got woken up to police in the house at 4 am.

But. Things have been calm for a year or 2 and his good mates are lovely but the anxiety is still there for all of us.

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 04/04/2016 16:07

Whats his rush to have this guy sleep over right away? Seems reasonable to me to say he can have him visit during the day on a weekend and then maybe sleep over on a different day if he seems ok when hes visiting.
Theres no way I would want a totally unknown 16yr old lad sleeping in my house! Maybe if they were 8 or 10, but 16? Nope.

GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 16:12

I don't think you're being unreasonable...

Goingtobeawesome · 04/04/2016 16:40

Him calling you a bitch for saying no would mean no sleepovers full stop for quite a long time in my house.

Hissy · 04/04/2016 17:47

Mm-hmm ... Same for me. This "bitch" would be saying NO to just about anything and everything for a looooong while to come.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 04/04/2016 19:04

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I didn't let him sleep in the end. Ds has come in and gone straight upstairs. I went to work and dp has just said they apparantly pulled an all nighter and he's been asleep sInce 5 pm.

I will tackle his attitude tomorrow.

OP posts:

cinnamonorange · 04/04/2016 20:26

No one's 'right' to a sleepover trumps the right of the other people in the house to feel safe and relaxed. Our house is a sleepover-free zone, as was my parents' house when I was growing up. We still have an active social life, it's just that none of us cope well with overnight guests.

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