AIBU to compare myself to everyone?

[Quietlondon]

I find I compare myself to everyone else and can often let this dictate my decisions! When I was planning my wedding, I wanted to get married within a certain period of time because I wanted to be under 30 before I got married. I even calculated how old my married sister and friends to see how old they were when they got married. When I realised I was the oldest one at the point I got married, I felt really inadequate! Now that I am married I am doing the same about having a baby... "If I get pregnant this month, I will be the same age as such a friend..."

Just feels like I'm being a bit odd and unreasonable and I don't know why I feel like this or how I can stop it! Is this unreasonable or normal??

No not normal I think. why do you place so much value on other people's lives before your own?

You feel as though you a suffering from low self esteem. The most important person to you, should be YOU. I don't mean that you should be selfish but you should listen to yourself and your inner voice.
When you ask yourself ' what do I want to do?' The first person to take notice of is yourself. It is called being congruent.
To keep wondering and bending your will to compete with or impress anyone else, will make you very unhappy.
You need counselling, which will help you recognise your self worth.
You have one life and you should live it as you see fit, not in order to fit in with someone else.
Xx

Why does it matter if you are the oldest?
You can be the happiest and that's what matters.

I have a tendency to do similar, but it's not normal.

This is mental effort you could turn to enjoying life rather than, well, somehow trying to reassure yourself with comparisons that things are going exactly as they should and if things are slipping you'll know and you'll bring them back in line and things will get back on course to and YOU'LL BE IN CONTROL!!!

...tell your brain to STFU next time it starts on one of these mad little comparisons. Smell the roses for Christ's sake - you'll be happier!

Yes your issue is with your self esteem. Perhaps as a child you felt different from others or that you were playing "catch-up" and these have spilled over into adulthood so you try to control the uncontrollable. You feel like your life and your decisions are only valid if they match other people's. This can cause lots of undue stress - especially as a lot of things in life can't be planned that precisely. This kind of comparing will only make you unhappy. So grab some courage together and dare to be different. Listen to your instincts and trust them. You'll see that nothing terrible actually happens and maybe even others will admire you instead of the other way round!

It's not really normal. I never think of other people when I want to do something because it's about me not them.

It doesn't seem to be doing you much good, so yes, YABU.

Not normal and if you don't stop doing it, it will ruin your relationships.

Get a grip / help.

I can see it's not healthy but I feel really influenced by where other people in my life are up to in their lives... I feel almost like I'm failing a bit because I'm the oldest of my friends to not have a baby yet...

I know you're all right but it's quite difficult to stop thi way of thinking.

Why does it matter to you where other people are in their lives?

It's a low self esteem thing I can completely relate to it. If you were truly comfortable and happy you wouldn't care what others were doing. The problem is until you address it you'll always feel you're playing catch up, there'll always be someone with more kids, a bigger home, a better paid job etc. It's not easy but you need to take steps to learn how to be grateful for what you have. Everything can be taken away at a moment's notice and then you won't want to know you wasted all this time when you had so much to be grateful for comparing yourself unfavourably to others.

I think it is my age. I've been with my husband for 12 years and I always assumed we'd get married young and have children young. When I reached 30 and I was still not engaged and have no children and my friends who had met their partners years after me were getting married and engaged, it started making me feel like I should be married with children.

I think it is a low self esteem thing, but more a running out of time thing.

Compare and despair. You are unique- embrace it!

Yes your issue is with your self esteem. Perhaps as a child you felt different from others or that you were playing "catch-up" and these have spilled over into adulthood so you try to control the uncontrollable.

Thanks that is why i do it. Thanks for that stillbloodyfat!:i hadnt articulated it rhat well in my own thoughts.

Yes, you are being unreasonable but only to YOURSELF.

Have you not heard the excellent maxim of "Comparison is the thief of joy"... I don't know who said it first but it really is very true.

I hope you can get a handle on it so that you can start enjoying your life and rejoicing in your own decisions made just because you want to make them, without undue influence of others.