to say no this holiday

[girlsmum1510]

Ex dh had declared earlier this year that he is no longer ever having the children in any school holidays! His decision, unilaterally decided, I have no say.

Today he tells the children of a holiday he is taking them on at Christmas. But no other support or help throughout the other twelve weeks they are off.
Why is Xmas different, it's a school holiday. As far as I'm concerned it's no school holidays, ever as he put in writing, and that's that. Contact should continue at the pathetic two nights a month regardless of what date it is. You can't pick and choose when it suits.

AIBU to say no?

Say no and take him to court.

Ummmm.... No! Tell him to fuck right off, have something properly drawn up so he can't just forgo parental responsibilities when he wants and then kick him up the arse.

What a dick.

I'd be telling him to fuck right off. Cheeky entitled twat.

What do the DC say?

The problem will be that I assume the DC will want to go & you will be painted as the one keeping them apart. Either way,stressful.

How old are the children? Would they enjoy the holiday? Is it a ski-ing trip or a Caribbean sun holiday? Something they'd love or just a couple of dull weeks somewhere that could easily be rearranged?

Do/would the children like to go?

I imagine it would be a chance for him to really spend proper time with them and for all to have a great time. Odd days in the school holidays if you are non-resident are hard to deal with as it involves ad-hoc child care, odd days of annual leave and a sense of time filling.

You may not love your ex H but this might be wonderful for your kids and you owe them that. So - unless there are good reasons why it would be bad for them it makes sense to say yes.

Was he emotionally abusive?

If you grin and say "great, I can go on a Caribbean cruise with that fab man I just met" will he change his mind?

I am wondering if he has done this deliberately just to wind you up?

If not, then it depends on age of DC and what they want really....

No, tell him to fuck off. Who the hell do these dickheads think they are dictating how and when, offering no support, doing nothing, flitting in and out when it suits. It's a no from me.

Tell him to fuck off. He's probably lying anyway to impress DC. Something will "come up" and the holiday will be cancelled. Twat. YANBU.

He sounds like a cock but think Bluejug is right

We have a court order, he refuses point blank to follow.

Hasn't done a summer holiday in years, his choice, has not input in any other area, his choice.

Very stressful, the dc actually understand me saying no. They would love to see more of him (court ordered double what he does) but he refuses. I've been bullied and manipulated for years, this time I've had enough.

No holidays means no holidays? That's what he wrote 😞. Luckily I have fantastic support, the dc have great schools and good support.

Blujug does that just not teach them that we do whatever he says whenever, regardless of the financial implications it has for me paying for childcare? Regardless that he can just walk away when it suits, that when he says something it has no consequences? What morality and honesty am I then teaching them?

Hard 😞

Jesus Christ OP, I'd be straight back to court about this. He either does or he doesn't and he can't just flout an order because he feels like it. I feel so sorry for your DC's, they deserve so much better, thank goodness they have you

It is hard of course, but I'm not sure what stopping him taking them will achieve, if you're even able to do that. I can see that none of it seems fair though.

Will going on this holiday make him realise he wants to spend more time with the DC?

How old are the DC?

No, be took them away this last Christmas, I think outside influences play a part.
He seems to think because I have a residence order (mentions it a lot) that that means he can just walk in and out when it suits.

Do you think going back to court will achieve anything? Although I think that's what's needed? I'm not scared, the children would tell a caffcass officer they wanted more. I just don't see him agreeing.
He punishes me for moving on through the dc. He even told me he would right at the start of our divorce. I have a residence order for good reasons!! Emotionally abusive is one way of describing him, to me and the dc.

Everytime I achieve something he punishes the children. Last year I moved in with my partner, and days he wouldn't have the dc for summer holidays as it was too disruptive 😞. The same week I moved. So sad for the children that just want their dad to want them.

Do you think going back to court will achieve anything?

I can't see how. The court can't make him spend time with his children, but equally aren't going to say that this holiday is conditional on that.

He sounds awful

Someone who sees there children two nights a month doesn't get them Christmas.

Tell him to do one.

He can fuck right off

Wait is it actually Christmas Day? I assumed you meant a bit of the Christmas holidays?

Very difficult. It's completely unfair to you that he'd absolve himself of any responsibility to look after them in school holidays, then insist on having them at Xmas. But, would the DCs want to go? Would they be likely to have a good time?

Does he have them at all, like at weekends? Does he pay proper maintenance?

Another vote to tell him to fuck right off

I took him back to court five years ago but the last two years he has again refused to comply to the order, for the happiness of the dc I've just agreed all his demands
The maintenance - well at them moment is being paid, but we have had attachment of earnings orders so you can see is far from easy. Lies to the csa etc.

Everytime i move on a touch more he withdraws from the dc, despite having a new family himself. He wants to punish me and make me pay for childcare despite the obvious effect this has on his dc.
I have said no to the holiday, his words in writing were no holidays ever, so unless that changes and he picks up some other times in holidays I will take that literally. It's not fair to have him and out when he chooses with little regard to their well being, he told me yesterday he wants emotional stability for them, not sure how this creates that 😐

gentlydownthestream it is his Xmas which of course I will not withhold, but he wants to have them a few days early to take away, and yet du no other school holidays, leaving all responsibility to me.

The sad thing is, that in 'punishing' you he is punishing the DC also. Is there any difficulty with his new partner dictating what contact he has, so as not to be bound by the court's ruling?

If he is reducing the contact further than before he may be underpaying maintenance. Make sure that he keeps paying what he should

If he had them last Christmas it is your turn this year, I don't agree that he can just announce when he sees the DC. You have the residence order and he is emotionally abusive and dismissive of the court ordered contact. I know you want him to step up and be a caring, involved dad; but he really doesn't seem like one to me. I don't think there is anything a court could do to make him change.