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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DP should look for a new job?

15 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 03/03/2016 06:20

Today 06:17 Notthinkingclearly

Dp works away alot. Always abroad and mostly away at least a week at a time. This was not his job when we started a family. I find it hard even though my children both started school now. This week my daughter and I have both both had flue. I Have had to rely on my parent to help out. They are briliant but I hate having to ask them as my dad has been unwell recently.My Dp clearly loves going away and told me of the beautiful hotel he is staying in overlooking the beach. AIBU to want him to look for another job? I work part time and I just feel so tired alot of the time. Do I just need to suck it up?

OP posts:
ArmchairTraveller · 03/03/2016 06:24

You need to consider salary, job security and your family's future over the next 20 or so years. Several of my relatives are in your position.
I am not, but then we struggled to pay bills and couldn't afford a lot of stuff that the same relatives take for granted, everything from holidays to having a car that was less than 10 years old.
It's a very personal decision for you both.

Katenka · 03/03/2016 06:37

I always think on these threads, that's it's not always that easy.

There is the financial implications to consider. What is his job and is it easy to find another job that pays similar that includes no travel?

Would it mean you may need to go full time? Would you want to? Can you?

When he took the job what discussions took place? Did he ale it or discuss with you.

Also I know it's hard when you are ill. But my dh had a job like your dps. When he stopped doing it, it took a long time to get used to him being here all the time. It almost broke us. Getting used to being around each other so much was hard. All of a sudden it wasn't just up to me what me and the kids did during the week. I had another person to take into account.

I love it when he is away now.

I am not saying it will definitely happen with you, but sometimes when things are shit we think the alternative will be wonderful. The reality is often different.

daisychain01 · 03/03/2016 06:41

I'd be getting a new DP

What planet is he on that he likes gloating to you about luxury hotels while you are doing the day to day important stuff with your DC that is far from luxury. Bet you wouldn't mind a bit of room service and fresh laundry from time to time!

Junosmum · 03/03/2016 06:43

I certainly wouldn't be happy with the situation but I wouldn't have suggested he take the job in the first place.

As others have said, you need to consider wider implications, but I certainly don't think you are unreasonable in wanting him to get a different job. You would be unreasonable to expect it though.

Why did he end up with such a job in the first place?

daisychain01 · 03/03/2016 06:45

You make very good points about "consider the alternative" Katenka.

I still think he sounds an arse though!

winchester1 · 03/03/2016 06:45

Does he take the kids when he home, so you also get some free time? I think that makes a big difference and if you need the money you need the money.
Although going on about how great it is rather than asking how you and the kids are etc and helping make things easier for you would annoy me no end.

ArmchairTraveller · 03/03/2016 06:48

'Although going on about how great it is rather than asking how you and the kids are etc and helping make things easier for you would annoy me no end.'

Maybe he does all of those things, the OP is pissed off and anyone in that state is usually selective.
For example, I was jealous of my non-working, part-time working relatives.
Such luxury!

Katenka · 03/03/2016 06:48

I still think he sounds an arse though!

this is true. Dh would never gloat about where he is.

Yakari · 03/03/2016 07:16

Depends so much on the situation, catching up by phone with you sick with flu and ill kids and among the whole conversation he says "just arrived at the hotel, but at least its a beautiful view of the beach" is a whole different ball game to one that went 'I'm feeling so bad for pushing grandparents to help they are still ill, DC has been sick for the tenth time and I haven't slept for a week" and him just laughing and saying 'guess I'll stay here by the beach and down another beer"

Having said that if its not working for you as a family you do need to talk to him - ideally when he is back and you are better so it can be an open discussion about the pros and cons. And if you both agree to look elsewhere then be realistic about how long it may take to find one if the other given is that the seniority and package has to be the same. And if you're prepared to compromise on the financial side then make sure you also agree which parts of your lifestyle are going to be cut back

DH and I have both been through periods of working abroad, we jokingly refer to our retirement and the fear of spending all that time together. I'm not sure it is a joke and I do know it will take a lot of getting use to.

But I do hope you and the DD recover soon - flu is just crappy.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 03/03/2016 07:27

I'm sure he would swap the nice hotel to work part time and have the luxury of more time off with his children. As the main earner, any perk that makes it bearable helps.

Yes it sucks to have the flu but he would still have gone to work here as can't call in as his wife is ill with a bad cold.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 03/03/2016 07:54

Did you discuss the implications before he applied for the job? We agreed no promotion for DH while DC were young as he wanted to be part of their growing up. A friend had the opposite and didn't get a job till DC were at secondary school as her DH is away M-F most weeks. But both were discussed and agreed beforehand.

Problem with after the fact is explaining a demotion on your CV at a later date.

peggyundercrackers · 03/03/2016 08:02

You knew what the job was, there was probably benefits to his new job compared to his old one e.g. A bigger salary which you no doubt enjoy.

You need to suck it up.

Osolea · 03/03/2016 08:10

Telling the his wife about where he is staying doesn't automatically mean he's gloating, I find that a wierd conclusion to come to. It wouldn't be better for him to lie and say it was horrible of it's not.

OP, you need to talk to him and let him know that you're struggling and see what you can come up with together to help make it easier for you. The answer might be him getting a different job, but you have to consider the impact that will have on other things like your income, his career etc.

Katenka · 03/03/2016 08:20

Telling the his wife about where he is staying doesn't automatically mean he's gloating, I find that a wierd conclusion to come to.

tbf you are right. The way the OP posted, made it sound like a gloat but she could be just venting.

TheSnowFairy · 03/03/2016 08:23

DH insists on sending photos of his frankly boring hotel rooms - I don't think he's gloating, just thinks I might be interested I'm not.

Sometimes travel away is not all it's cracked up to be.

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