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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex's should stay in history

21 replies

Hol321 · 28/02/2016 00:14

Sorry, long time lurker but not registered till now!

Just wondering if IBU in expecting my dh of 9 years to keep ex's out of current life.
a little back story we live in a small town and escaping people is not the easiest but personally i don't have any contact (FB friends ect) with anyone i've got history with but my dh actively keeps in contact with them either by messenger or just general chit chat.

its not a trust issue but it does make me feel uncomfortable him keeping these people in his life when my own personal belief is let history be history. (after all its history for a reason imo)
And as a little side note he's got a habit of hiding these communications.

Are these my issues brought on by my own standards?
keen to hear your thoughts :)

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/02/2016 00:25

There's nothing wrong with being casual friends with an ex, it'd be different if there was blatantly more between them or if they were in contact several times a day every day.

It doesn't matter really what anyone else thinks, if he knows it's making you feel uncomfortable but is doing it anyway I suppose that could be seen as pretty shit (although that's not to say he can't be friends with who he wants and it could also be seen as being controlling if you told him who he can/can't see)

Why do you think he's hiding the messages? So he's not rubbing your nose in it or because there's something suss going on?

Fatmomma99 · 28/02/2016 00:30

I would be more concerned by his trying to have a life secret from yours (the hiding thing) than I would his having relationships with his ex's.

If the splits were for amicable reasons, it's fine to stay in touch.

Keep them a "secret" from his partner makes it dirty (HE is suggesting there is something to hide), so I'd be very wary!

At the very lightest end, is he a "jealous" type? They're the worst. It bleeds into everything, including justifications for DV, in my experience. Be very careful!
(i.e. If his explanation is "I thought you'd be jealous, because I would be jealous if it's the other way around, but we're just friends" - I would be very worried if any friend of mine was in a situation like that. Not because I'd assume he's being unfaithful, but because of how he views the world and your place in it)

AgentZigzag · 28/02/2016 00:44

I was wondering about him hiding the messages as well Fm and think it's probably not just a sideline, but then if I wasn't going to let someone tell me who I could talk to I'd keep under wraps because doing it out in the open might be seen as goading them IYSWIM?

Not in a DV way in that I'd be scared of what they'd do but just because there's no point in upsetting them when nothing's going on and I'm going to do what I want anyway.

Original poster
Hol321 · 28/02/2016 00:44

He was the jealous type but as the years gone on (and we've had 2 children together)he's quietend down to almost the opposite end of the spectrum!...

In answer to Agentzigzag (funky name btw:))i think its more because he knows how uncomfortable he knows it makes me feel. (he's a nice person who doesn't want to offend anyone even at his own detriment).

I guess its not the being in contact with them thats the issue, its that he went through the hoops to hide it that gives me issues

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/02/2016 00:59

If you're not that fussed with him being in contact and think he kept it from you because he's a nice bloke trying to spare you from feeling uncomfortable, then there isn't really a problem - is there?

He was going through the hoops (ie making an effort, however small) to not upset you, meaning he's taken on board what you've told him. That's got to be better than outright telling you to get fucked and your feelings mean nothing to him before sitting down to chat to whoever it is for 2 hours in front of you.

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2016 01:07

If you're open about disliking it that's probably why he is hiding it. If it's innocent you really can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with.

This is one of these posts where if it was the other way around and a man was doing this people would be using words like controlling.

Original poster
Hol321 · 28/02/2016 01:07

Thanks AZ! i think deepdown i'am fussed, very fussed the more i think about it.

Just to add one of these contacts is a person who you might consider is someone thats he's had an emotional affair with. Nothing happend just friends that led to other feelings.
Thats what screws me up the most. :(

Just dont know how i should feel

OP posts:
Original poster
Hol321 · 28/02/2016 01:11

Thanks Bill, the last place i want to be is controlling who they should/shouldn't be friends with!

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 28/02/2016 01:14

What kind of an ex are they?

We are friendly with one of my exes and his wife and kids - in the kind of way that we meet up only once a year or so but consider ourselves the kinds of friends you can rely on. My ex and I are the main points of contact of the friendship but I know neither dh nor his wife would even consider us a risk together.

Another one of my exes came to my mother's funeral (in Ireland)-I really appreciated it and considered it the mark of a friend.

Both of those were very early 20s/almost college relationships-no living together no long term plans. Although the one I am closer too was a more serious relationship, he would have married me I am fairly certain. But we never got into really serious territory.

if you've lived with someone, been married to someone, I think it is nice to be neutral or friendly but not friends. too much water under the bridge for that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2016 01:18

Just to add one of these contacts is a person who you might consider is someone thats he's had an emotional affair with. When he was with you?

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2016 01:20

Well if he's actually had an EA with someone that's a different kettle of fish. Has he admitted this? I can understand you being unhappy a lot more when you say that.

If he's done something before which makes you feel insecure about these messages then you have a right to tell him that you don't want him doing it because of how it makes you feel.

I replied before thinking they were just friendships, but if an EA has happened he really only has himself to blame if you aren't comfortable with him doing this. He's lost your trust, that's his fault.

Original poster
Hol321 · 28/02/2016 01:21

[if you've lived with someone, been married to someone, I think it is nice to be neutral or friendly but not friends. too much water under the bridge for that.]
id be happy with that!

In answer to MsTerryPratchett, yes!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/02/2016 01:22

What happened with the possible emotional affair ex? (and are you saying it's only a possible EA because nothing actually happened or because you're not sure what went on?)

That's different to occasionally contacting an ex you're still friends with and something that I wouldn't be happy with either as there would be more to it.

AgentZigzag · 28/02/2016 01:28

And I wouldn't see you telling him you don't want him to contact the possible EA ex again as being controlling, it'd be you making sure you're not being taken for a twat.

Original poster
Hol321 · 28/02/2016 01:33

In answer to Bll, not is so many words, he used the words crush.
In answer to AgentZigzag Nothing happened im pretty much 100% (well as much certain as you can be!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Hol321 · 28/02/2016 01:37

Thanks AZ :) you've pretty reaffirmed what i feel :)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2016 01:37

Hell no. I have lots of friends who are boys including people who there was something with. The merest hint of anything dodgy and they are not friends. On either side. My marriage is more important. DH would never tell me not to be friends with whom I wished but I would cut people off.

Canyouforgiveher · 28/02/2016 01:42

seeing your updates OP. No way would I be friendly with someone I had a even a teeny tiny crush on and no way would I be happy with dh doing the same. The exes I am friends with are people I wouldn't even have the remotest interest in - despite liking them as friends.

Your instincts are working well for a reason.

BillSykesDog · 28/02/2016 01:43

Yeah, 'crush' would be good enough for me to say I didn't feel comfortable with messaging continuing. YANBU, sit down and talk to him and tell him it has to stop.

Katenka · 28/02/2016 06:14

Being friends with exs is fine and normal for some people.

Continuing to be in contact with an ex who you had a emotional affair with, is not fine.

Well that's my opinion, anyway.

WeeHelena · 28/02/2016 09:30

I think you can be friends with ex's but only if it was amicable split as then it's equal/no drama and most likely no one is holding out for each other.

My level of contact with the only friend zoned ex is maybe a txt once or twice a month to mention meeting up at some point for catch up which we do eventually.
If I am seeing people then I drop it into appropriate conversations so the seed is sown.

I think daily or very frequent is a bit much and especially if he is deliberately hiding it from you.

He should be at least very open with who he is in contact with.

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