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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let mother in law babysit

23 replies

Karls88 · 23/02/2016 15:08

My mother in law had been bothering me for ages about looking after our baby for the night, but I was reluctant because when her new boyfriend is around she seems to do really stupid things. She has 2 other grandchildren (3 and 4) and has left them unattended in a 1st floor maisonette while she and the bf went out to have a smoke (I think his was weed). Also she has nothing at her house to look after the baby and lives 30 mins away so I'd literally have to pack EVERYTHING into my car and take it all to hers, which I just see as too much hassle (she doesn't drive).

So.... At Christmas I compromised. My partners Nan was away staying with family for a week so I said his mum could look after the baby at his nans for the night (his Nan often babysits because she's 5 mins away and has loads of stuff there already).

Everything went fine, she had the other grandchildren there for the night as well.....until today, when I find out that her by actually stayed round that night and it turns out that someone else who lives in the house heard her and the bf 'at it' that night......when my child was sleeping in the same room. She was 4 months at the time and I know she has no idea what's going on but considering I'd already expressed that I didn't want him staying over when she looks after the baby, I feel like this is a massive breech of trust. AIBU when I say I don't want her looking after the baby again overnight?

OP posts:

ComeonSummer1 · 23/02/2016 15:15

See I don't get the rush to have kids overnight. Mine never did until around 6/7. Never felt the need.

Of course if you trust relatives then each to their own.

I'm your case op hell would freeze over before I left my child with a couple who smoke weed and shag with my baby in the room.

Sounds tragic.

ComeonSummer1 · 23/02/2016 15:16

And I am a good mil and gran.

RatherBeRiding · 23/02/2016 15:26

Nope not unreasonable at all. You don't need a reason. You don't need to justify why you don't want your baby staying overnight with someone else. Just don't allow it until you feel comfortable with it.

If you feel you have to offer a reason (you don't, and I wouldn't) then simply say you don't feel comfortable leaving the baby at such a young age. Repeat like a broken record until you do feel comfortable. (IF you ever feel comfortable).

Whatever you do, don't be sucked into protracted explanations, justifications, compromises that simply don't work for you. Just repeat, repeat, repeat "No I don't feel comfortable with that."

FWIW my own didn't stay away overnight until they were about 3. And I trusted their grandparents implicitly. I just didn't see the need.

Original poster

Karls88 · 23/02/2016 15:33

I'd have no problem with her having DD for the night if she could guarantee he wasn't staying, but now I've found out this has happened, I wouldn't trust her again.

She's absolutely fine when he's not around, she just turns into an idiot when he is....and everyone agrees, even my OH and his Nan! I try to avoid seeing her as much as possible because they literally do everything together now. Stuck at the hip doesn't even begin to describe it. I just don't know why she can't spend time with her grandchildren without him there.

They weren't dating when I was pregnant and she used to be texting me and calling in all the time to see us. Going on about how she was going to be the 'favourite Nan'. Now she barely speaks to us and up until Christmas only really saw DD a handful of times since she was born. she occasionally sees her once a week either at her mums or daughters (my SIL) when they babysit because I'm working. It feels like she knows I don't like her bf so she doesn't bother asking to come round mine anymore as I won't want him here....but what's wrong with coming without him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Karls88 · 23/02/2016 15:39

The thing is, I don't mind people having her overnight, My mum, sister and OH Nan have her occasionally when we have something going on, but not for just 'no reason', so she knows I'm ok with being away from her. I just don't see why someone who's not related to my DD needs to be involved. If she wants to spend time with her, then it should be without him there.

It did wind me up when though when we first told her we epwere expecting and the first thing she said was 'I want to have the baby overnight at 2 weeks old'. When I asked why, she said 'so the baby can get to know me'. I thought wtf?! At 2 weeks old the baby should be getting to know me and OH, not her. Needless to say that didn't happen.

She thinks she can do things with me and my child that she done with her own daughter and her kids, but what she doesn't realise is that I'm not her daughter.... so it's obviously not going to be the same as before.

Apologies for the rant. This has all been getting to me for some time.

OP posts:

Sunnyshores · 23/02/2016 15:50

You are babys mum and you can do whatever you want in regard to babys care. Its no-one elses business and you dont need their permission or their understanding. "Im sorry that just doesnt work for us", dont give them an inch or apologise or negotiate - also let your DH take some of the flack and deal with her repeating exactly the same.

RatherBeRiding · 23/02/2016 15:53

Well if other family only have the baby when you have something on, there's your get-out. If she asks to have her again "for no reason" say - but we don't need a babysitter at the moment.

And when you do need a babysitter, then obviously your mum and sister are closer (to you and the baby) so would be the more obvious choice.

I guess that if she pushes and pushes, you are just going to have to come clean and say you would rather not while she is so young and there is someone else staying overnight - especially as you have already said you don't want her staying overnight when bf is there!!

CooPie10 · 23/02/2016 15:57

She thinks she can do things with me and my child that she done with her own daughter and her kids, but what she doesn't realise is that I'm not her daughter..

Yanbu, she clearly doesn't respect your role as a mum and probably thinks as she's done it and it turned out fine then what's the big deal. I would be livid with them having sex in the same room as the baby!! You need to be firm with her, no other way she's going to get the message.

Original poster

Karls88 · 23/02/2016 16:12

I've only found out about their little 'sleepover' today so She doesn't know that I know. I did feel bad for letting others have DD and not offering her but it's just not practical at her flat and now I know this I most def won't let her again.

If at some point she asks me if she can have her for the night I will say no and tell her I know about this. Then probably have to listen to her try and deny it. I don't know why she thought I wouldn't find out.

OP posts:

paxillin · 23/02/2016 16:17

Your first duty is to ensure your baby's safety. You are not satisfied she will be safe and her needs will be met with MIL. No further explanation is needed, don't send her. Not now, not in 12 years time.

amarmai · 23/02/2016 16:26

your child, you decide. If necessary tell her why. yanbu.

coconutpie · 23/02/2016 17:37

So your MIL demanded to have your baby overnight and when you finally agreed and told her you didn't want her boyfriend over, she goes ahead and has him over anyway, probably smoking weed and she spends the night shagging him right next to your sleeping baby?

Fucking hell. I would never allow that selfish bitch see your baby again, nevermind babysit.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2016 17:38

I assume your OH agrees with you?

coconutpie · 23/02/2016 17:38

Oh and I would be telling her exactly why she will never be allowed "babysit" again (sounds like she did more shagging than babysitting tbh).

coconutpie · 23/02/2016 17:39

I also wouldn't allow your baby near her or in her house if she's smoking weed.

Original poster

Karls88 · 23/02/2016 18:51

I'm pretty sure she doesn't smoke weed, and I don't think he did that evening....there were others staying at the house that night that would have told me now I've asked about it. They didn't know I didn't want the bf staying there which is why I've only just found out about it all.

I just think if he's not family he doesn't need to be there, and also find it a bit pervy that he'd even do that in front of someone else's sleeping child!

Nanny0gg: yes OH said to me not to let her have DD anymore before I even managed to say it. Which was a relief.

OP posts:

Inertia · 23/02/2016 20:32

You are not unreasonable - I wouldn't be sending my baby into her care again. Definitely something odd about insisting on having a baby there to shag your boyfriend in front of.

You don't have to share your baby out by the way - your baby is a person in her own right. Relatives don't get to demand turns with her.

ollieplimsoles · 23/02/2016 20:44

Stupid cow. (not you op)

Op YANBU and you know it, I've ever understood this 'ooh I want them over night'

Its nice of you to let her have your child at all over night but shes taking the piss, shes not respecting your rules or wishes, this is why my mil isnt allowed to have my lo on her own without me there- ever- she doesn't respect my wishes, she would probably do something fucked up like this as well.

theycallmemellojello · 23/02/2016 20:52

I wouldn't have a problem with shagging with a 4 month old in the room (older than... age 1 I'd start to worry). However, the weed is a dealbreaker. And as others have said, you don't need a reason to say no. Your instincts are enough.

PricklyHodgeheg · 23/02/2016 20:54

If you have even the slightest doubt about letting your MIL babysit then please trust your instincts and say no! She is the one being unreasonable here. Don't let her make you feel bad about it either. You are the parent, you get to make the decisions.

My mil is equally obsessed about having the kids on her own overnight but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her so we have never let it happen... They are 2 and 5 now.

Stay strong

ComeonSummer1 · 23/02/2016 20:55

She sounds flaky.

Of course it's her absolute right to have her boy friend staying over just as its your right to not allow your baby to stay over.

Just be honest with her.

ComeonSummer1 · 23/02/2016 20:58

theycallme

We obviously shagged with our own kids in the room, not often though,

We wouldn't dream of that malarkey with our grandchild stopping over. It's weird.

Original poster

Karls88 · 23/02/2016 22:50

theycallme & ComeonSummer1 it's not so much the sex that bothers me, OH and I have done it with DD in the room but then we're her parents so it's completely different.

And I'm not saying she can't have sex, but why not save it for a night when she's not looking after her 3 grandchildren. Do they have no self restraint?
Also, she was staying in someone else's house, which I also find a bit off. If I stayed in someone else's house i would show them some respect and keep my bits to myself for the night...

OP posts:

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