'Emotional resilience'

[ILoveYouBaby]

I've been looking for a promotion at work for a while. I keep being told I'm ready, but twice in the last week I've been told I need to build my 'emotional resilience' in feedback.

I've not cried in the office, had a meltdown, said I couldn't cope, etc.

I have, however, had a miscarriage recently. I didn't work in the days leading up to the miscarriage (when I started to bleed heavily) and had some time off after. A total of 6 days out of the office.

Both people who told me I needed more resilience knew about the miscarriage (the only two who did know, and had to be told).

AIBU to think that a) no man would be told he needed more emotional resilience in a similar situation and b) do I really need to have it anyway over a miscarriage.

Other than the time out of the office, I haven't let the miscarriage or my emotions affect my work. I've had no criticism of the job I'm doing (the opposite, some really positive feedback in the last few weeks).

Being told to "build your emotional resilience" is a really really odd thing for a colleague to say.

Did two people say that to you???? Under what circumstances? Chatting at the water cooler or in a back to work interview

I'm annoyed actually. They might just as well have said "stop snivelling"

Did you ask for examples as to what this means?

Ask for examples.
If it's to do with the miscarriage of be contacting a solicitor as that's a disgrace.

I see this as them looking out for you but not in a bad way in a caring way.

A miscarriage can have a huge emotional impact on a person and maybe the change in roll would be high stress.

They also know your likely to want to try and fall pregnant again in the future. This isn't going to shine in your favour.

Your right it's not fair!

I would ask for examples.

May be they feel you get irritated quickly or could be something of you aren't really aware of.

But in the face of it, it sounds shit.

They are my manager and her boss, so it's conceivable that they talked about me and hence used the same form of words.

One was feedback on not getting promotion, the other was a return to work chat. (Me: it'll take time for me to get over the miscarriage emotionally but I'll get there. Boss: are you sure you want promotion as you'll need emotional resilience ...)

I'll definitely ask for specific examples.

thisisstartingtoboreme I don't think I know how to snivle . I'm more of a reach for the chocolate/gin and chin up kind of a girl!

When you got feedback on why you didn't get promotion, why did she say you need to build your emotional resilience? In what context was that said? In your OP you said that they were telling you that you were ready for promotion - what changed?

I think you need to ask what they mean. Wrt the miscarriage this is not on. But if they mean aside from that then it's legitimate feedback.

The first thing I'd do is to ask your organisation to clarify precisely what is meant by "emotional resilience", as you obviously have no idea. You can then look at the criteria, and decide, in conjunction with your Manager, exactly what you need to do to improve your performance and win that promotion. If that's what you want.

You seem to be implying that your miscarriage - and the time you took off work as a result of this- is the cause of your issues. If this is the case, I think this is grossly unfair of your employer. And I assume you must have had a Doc's note to support your absence. Miscarriages are messy, painful and unpleasant - I'm not sure what your employer expected to do under the circumstances.

I had a similar experience, and also took 5 days off work. It was the only time off I had in 25 years, but there were still a few people who looked at me as if I was skiving.

Sorry to hear about your experience. I hope you get things sorted, or perhaps gain a position with an employer who values you. Your current shower sound like dicks.

Get the fuck out of town. You said your miscarriage will be emotionally hard and the bitch actually used this as a means of questioning you about your ability to complete work at a higher grade? I'd be calling her back into an office and giving her both barrels about how utter disgraceful her comment was.

Bollocks are they doing this in a nice, caring way. Resilience is a management buzzword and they are using it to justify the unjustifiable. They seem to be implying that your miscarriage has left you unfit for promotion.

I think it depends what that role involves - sounds like they were referring to the promotion role as being more demanding emotionally but being clumsy about it. I would ask for clarification. If anything taking time off when you recognised you needed after your miscarriage shows you have insight and know when to step back and look after yourself.

Resilience gets used a lot in my workplace, too. I think it's code for 'make sure you smile while I treat you like shite'

That's weird. Emotionally strong people feel their emotions and aren't freaked out by them, emotionally weak/in confident people resist them, go through a period of making bad decisions when under stress, and become increasingly incompetent. I don't think your managers know what they are talking about.

Ask them to clarify exactly what they mean by that.

Agree that resilience is the current trendy buzzword at work. Maybe they're being told they need to show they're addressing it with their staff but are actually pretty clueless about how to do that or what it means.

Ask them what they mean. And sorry about your miscarriage.

That's exactly what I said Lanark! Much better to be emotionally articulate, and I think it makes me a much better manager.

The situation at work is challenging at the moment, a promotion would mean a lot more exposure to messy stuff, and facing criticism from all side. I think I'm strong enough, and keep coming back to the fact that I'm sure they wouldn't say that to a man.

I'm in several different minds about this.

1. They now know that you are trying to conceive. They will not want to promote someone who is about to go on maternity leave. Yes, we all know that's wrong and discriminatory etc, but seriously, what's the use of appointing someone to a high profile important position who is about to go off for 6 months or more?

1. They are being sensible and thinking about your welfare and ability to cope with a high pressure position in your circumstances. Different if you were male? Maybe. A man probably wouldn't take time off following a miscarriage because although he may be suffering emotionally, he wouldn't have the physical issues. So easier for him to hide the trauma. But if a man had a bereavement, do you think they would say the same sort of thing?

1. You aren't emotionally resilient. Is there something else in your behaviour that concerns them? Mood swings, temper, stressy behaviour?

1. They are idiots and are seriously underestimating you.

I lean towards a mix of 1 & 2.

Excellent answer garbled, I do like a list.

1. Yes, my boss actually said that why would I want a promotion if I was going to get pregnant. I pointed out that a. It took me a year on average to get pregnant, b. I have lost 3 out of 4 pregnancies so the chances of me actually going on maternity leave was low, c. I'd still have 8 months even if I got pregnant immediately.

1. There's an element of truth in here for sure.

1. I am relatively open about my emotions, but only in 1-1 meetings with my boss. I do think about how people are affected emotionally, e.g. recent redundancies, etc, so perhaps my vocalising this and suggesting supportive actions is being seen as a weakness. In which case, I don't want to belong to an organisation that expects is to be robots.

1. Well obviously ;) I have had much more challenging roles in the past, which I thin add up to my readiness for promotion.

Your point three above - stop doing it. You shouldn't have to stop doing it but don't talk in emotional terms to your boss.
I've been bitten by this recently- I had feedback that I was 'negative' and I asked for examples because I think I'm realistic but positive at work (my approach is ' right, we have situation X, with effects y.. So I think solutions z,a and b could work.' I don't ever bring a problem without solutions)
Anyway, line manager stonewalled a bit. I put on my most 'umble and earnest face and said no id really like some examples, I'm committed to taking all feedback and acting on it ...

... The examples she gave were both times I'd backed up my staff in the face of her utterly insane demands.

One example: she thinks Christmas isn't a holiday in Europe so the entire team should work the whole way through.
I pointed out that it was a holiday and suggested a staggered leave system using the Eastern Orthodox countries as reciprocal cover (they celebrate later than us.)

Apparently this was negative.

My point is that they're saying you're emotional to possibly build a case against you. Ask for examples in an email (or in person, then follow up with an email along the lines of 'good to talk to you yesterday, I will take on board your feedback that you feel I was emotional when...)

Document, document, document.

I'm sorry for your loss