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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Operation Tuesday and ex being an arse

23 replies

thehillshaveyes · 21/02/2016 19:07

On Tuesday I'm having surgery to correct where my labia ripped during childbirth when dd (18 months) was born. I have to be at the hospital at 7am. My ex, dd's dad, is coming up to look after her but is only staying until Wednesday. He's also said that he's going out drinking tomorrow night which means I won't be able to relax and have an early night.

AIBU to expect him to stay a bit longer while I heal (time off work isnt an issue) and to also not fucking go out the night before my operation? I'm angry but I don't know whether I'm being irrational.

OP posts:

araiba · 21/02/2016 19:41

he's your ex

be grateful he is doing anything to help you

VoldysGoneMouldy · 21/02/2016 19:44

Yes you're being irrational. He's your ex. He doesn't owe you anything.

amarmai · 21/02/2016 19:46

as your labia got ripped giving birth to his child, you cd expect some caring .

NeedACleverNN · 21/02/2016 19:50

I had the same operation and it's not as painful as you might think actually.

No where near as painful as the original damage.

In fact apart from a bit of soreness that was eased with paracetamol, I barely felt it and I have a rubbish pain thresh hold.

So at least you don't have to worry about recuperating on your own that much

kellybee90 · 21/02/2016 19:51

Given the fact that he is your DD's father, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to expect him to care for her when you're having/recovering from an operation, and I'm quite shocked that people think he doesn't owe you anything because he's you're ex. He's your child's father, of course he should be caring for her when you aren't physically able to!

Kidnapped · 21/02/2016 19:52

He's not helping the OP, unless he is performing the surgery himself.

He is looking after his own daughter.

Arkhamasylum · 21/02/2016 19:54

He's not 'helping' the OP. He's looking after his own child while the OP is in hospital. It's not unreasonable to expect him to be reliable under these circumstances.

I hope all goes well, OP.

ghostyslovesheep · 21/02/2016 20:04

he is looking after his child - yanbu to expect him to do this. I am not sure why he has to stay though - can he not look after her at his - and you recover at home?

Griphook · 21/02/2016 20:09

Can he not have her at his, and you drop her round Monday night? Or is there someone else who can watch her maybe your mum or ex mil?

Thingywhatsit · 21/02/2016 20:13

He's being an arse - I have a similar ex. Not sure how to handle him tbh so I can give you any advice. I just say "oh sorry to inconvenience you" in a sarcastic tone, helps me deal with it but probably not the best way to tackle the issue! Drives me bonkers thou, so I know how you feel. I was stuck in hospital all day yesterday with frail elderly grandmother who was packed off in an ambo by another family member and left on her own for nearly 4 hours. No one thought to phone me earlier and my mum who does everything for her is away! Ex wouldn't answer his phone and when he did it was 2 hours before he collected her from a friend! Then I got 40 minutes notice to say he was going out on the piss and I needed to collect her!

Hope the op goes well - I am sure it won't be as painful as the original tear 💐💐

Original poster

thehillshaveyes · 21/02/2016 20:38

He has to have her at mine because he lives in a house share at the moment and there's no room for dd. My mum died a couple of years ago and ex mil is an alcoholic. He's my only option unfortunately.

I just think it would be helpful if he could look after her for an extra night so I can recover. I'm not sure whether they'll keep me overnight or not.

OP posts:

NameAgeLocation · 21/02/2016 20:45

He's being an arse.
Hell, I would cancel a night out to help out an ACQUAINTANCE who was about to have surgery. Let alone my child's other parent (OK we are together but you get my point).

There's not much you can do so there's probably no point letting yourself get too worked up about it but you are certainly not being irrational.

NameAgeLocation · 21/02/2016 20:47

Oh yes and of course as a PP pointed out he's not actually doing you a favour by caring for his own child. Many people call it "parenting"

for you OP and best wishes for a speedy recovery.

boredofusername · 21/02/2016 21:01

he's not actually doing you a favour by caring for his own child

This. I thought the first posts on this thread must have been ironic. Were they serious? Oh dear!

If you still lived together he would have to look after his daughter if you were ill. Nothing changes because you don't live together. Tell him to act like a grown-up and put his daughter first. You say ex-MIL is alcoholic. If he puts going out drinking before his daughter is he going the same way?

It does amaze me how many separated/divorced parents take the view that they are not responsible when it's not "their" weekend or whatever.

Original poster

thehillshaveyes · 21/02/2016 21:38

He's acting like he's doing me a favour and it makes me so mad. To those who have had this done, do you think I'll realistically be able to take care of dd and run around after her etc a day after surgery?

OP posts:

NeedACleverNN · 21/02/2016 21:38

As long as there are no complications they shouldn't need to keep you in.

As soon as I was round from my anaesthetic, I was put in a room to recover for an hour or two and then sent home with painkillers

amarmai · 22/02/2016 11:38

wd the equivalent body part being ripped on a male be the ball bag? Wonder how long he wd require tlc if he had to get that injury repaired? 1day, 2days, 3days,---???

Mistigri · 22/02/2016 11:48

Is there any chance you can get someone more reliable (your mum?) to look after your DD and tell him "thanks but no thanks".

Good to know that he puts alcohol ahead of his daughter, at least you know where you stand...

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/02/2016 11:54

I suppose you will need to plan a few very gentle days with your DD while you recover. So nice easy food in, DVD/telly snuggle days. Don't worry about taking her to nursery or anything, a couple of chilling days at home isn't going to harm her.

FeelingFine89 · 22/02/2016 12:20

I think he should look after your DD for as
long as you need him to whilst you recover. You are co parents and if you were still together he would look after her whilst you recover.
I think any parent should do the same for their ex regardless of which parent that is. If he was having an operation I expect you would be willing to look after DD on his time with her.

Sunrock · 22/02/2016 16:46

If it's not under general anaesthetic I think you'll be fine to cope without help. My best friend had this surgery last year, it's very minor and always a day-case unless it involves more than the labia. She had stitches and was a bit sore for a week, they gave her lignocaine cream to numb it and she was walking around an hour after surgery. She didn't need any help looking after her toddler and baby though her DH took a day off work. She had a local anaesthetic though not GA.

Not sure why you think you'll need extra help for a minor procedure? Paracetamol should be enough.

Original poster

thehillshaveyes · 22/02/2016 16:50

It will be under general anaesthetic.

OP posts:

NeedACleverNN · 22/02/2016 17:00

Mine was under general anaesthetic

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