to miss my DH

[FithColumnist]

Actually, to be honest, I have nothing that I am reasonably narked about. I just want to know if this is normal/acceptible.

In short, my DH has ME. We've been together for a good ten years with this being the case. Today is his day off: he does five out of seven and each one is pretty much the same. He will spend all day in bed, occasionally getting up for toast in order to take his medication. He's in bed right now, I have just ironed him a shirt for tomorrow.

When he's awake he will make an effort towards our "common upkeep". For example, through the week he will iron for both of us. He can be an idle arse, leaving the laundry and the kitchen for me whoever gets annoyed by it first.

Basically, he's not a cock. But he does spend all of his time out of work in bed, even when I'm off myself. I miss him. Basically, not sure how to go on.

I think it's normal/acceptable for you to miss him.

It's a difficult condition by all accounts. Is there any treatment for it?

I think it's a myth to think relationships don't require work. By both of you. Sorry that things aren't great.
And this is a bit off the point, but I deliver parenting courses to parents of teenagers, and they rock up being full of indignation about how ungrateful their kids are, and the 'take home' message is about talking to them nicer, and appreciating them and parents grumble about doing it, then try it and then come back and say how much better things are.

Not to be patronizing, but instead of looking at what he's not doing, have you tried saying "thank you" for what he DOES do, and see how that changes the dynamic?

Since I've learnt about teens, I've practiced the same on my DH, and it has made a HUGE difference to the harmony in my house.

Good luck!

It's not something I say in RL because people get annoyed.

But being with someone with an illness can sometimes be the most draining thing. I know it's probably worse for the person with a condition, but being a carer or having a partner who is ill can be incredibly difficult.

I think people think carers and partners of those with a severe condition should just suck it up. And most of the time we do, but it's so hard.

I don't have any advice but wanted to say Yanbu for missing him and

I have ME & although I'm making improvements I'm still quite unwell and unable to lead a 'normal' life. The one thing that has helped me understand and in some ways embrace my illness is the support of my DH. He never makes me feel useless or comments on how little I have achieved - he knows that in my head I'll be beating myself up already.

There have been days when I contemplated ending my life because of how useless I felt but over time with the support of my DH I've built a different life that I can live without making me ill. Your DH sounds like he needs to do the same. What hours does he work? What kind of job is it? If it's a 9-5 imo working 5 days in a row is too much & it's no wonder he's having to rest the remainder of the week.

You need to sit down with him & review everything - his job, what he's expected to do around the house, what you expect from him in terms of your relationship. Make a plan - so he can have enough energy to do little bits of everything (including seeing you & having quality time) rather than just working and then crashing which is what he's doing now.

Has he been referred to a specialist service? I had a 12 week 'therapy ' course which helped me so much to understand my condition & how to manage it.

I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It's a massive strain on both myself and DH. We don't really see each other in the week as I'm still doing a lot in the night with the kids (I'm a SAHM) and I can't cope with reduced sleep so I go to bed when they do and he often doesn't get back from work until after we've all turned in.

Are you able to take over any of the housework he is doing so that he can save his energy to spend the time with you instead? Ideally I'd say get some help in, but I appreciate not everyone can afford it.