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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeping my friends secret

31 replies

Tingtung · 13/02/2016 20:31

I have a friend shes actually my best friend, ive known her for 10 years, her and her partner have a 10 month old baby.

When the baby was 3 month old, my friends partner cheated on her, they sorted it out and my friend forgave her, they seemed happy abd settled.

Recently my friend has been going out on a weekend, last week she told me she had met somebody a few weeks earlier, they havent slept together but have been talking and meeting up.

Do i keep her secret or do i say something?, i dont want the baby being caught up in all the mess.

OP posts:
liinyo · 13/02/2016 20:39

The baby is already caught up in the mess that is their relationship. I don't see how you breaking a confidence will change that. Not to mention that she hasn't cheated on her partner yet and may not.

It's a secret - she trusted you with it. Why would you not respect that, particularly as she is your BF?

AdrenalineFudge · 13/02/2016 20:42

Tbh, it sounds like you're more interested in chasing the drama. It's not really your place to say; and what would you be confessing to her partner? That she's met up and spoken to someone else but they haven't had sex?

Original poster
Tingtung · 13/02/2016 20:48

I never said i wasnt going to respect it, i'm just confused about the situation and worried about how the baby will be affected if she decides to take it further.

Yes shes my best friend and ill support her but as my best friend i cant stand by and watch her potentially ruin her relationship and risk losing her daughter.

I just want some advice.

OP posts:
liinyo · 13/02/2016 20:59

My advice would be to remember who is your friend in this scenario. Do you want to lose her friendship? Because you will if you break her trust.

If this turns out to be a seriously fucked up relationship the child is going to suffer eventually whether you speak up now or not.

If this is a flirtation that is soothing your friends hurt feelings it will probably fizzle out - if it is more than that the truth will come out eventually.

Unless there are genuine child safety concerns (eg you know one partner is a serious drug user or sex offender) I don't think it is ever helpful to get involved in other people's relationships.

AdrenalineFudge · 13/02/2016 20:59

i'm just confused about the situation and worried about how the baby will be affected

This is what I meant when I said that you seemed more interested in the drama of it all. What are you confused about? It's nothing to do with you. And also how would she be at risk of losing to her daughter?

If you take it upon yourself to tell her partner what she's done - which in fact isn't cheating, you will then be responsible for dropping the bomb that could very well ruin her relationship. It's odd that your first instinct is to tell her partner yet you describe her as your best friend. It just doesn't stack up at all.

Thisismyfirsttime · 13/02/2016 21:00

Do you say something to who? The partner? If so it won't be her ruining her relationship, it'll be you. She hasn't done anything yet? So what is there to tell? Leave the drama alone, tell your best friend you think it's a bad idea to cheat and then get on with your own life.

Believeitornot · 13/02/2016 21:00

She's your friend. You keep her secret.

You do not judge

WeAreEternal · 13/02/2016 21:00

You are her best friend, its your job to say something.
If she no longer wants to be in a relationship with her wife/gf she needs to end it before she starts looking elsewhere.
If she is just looking to get back at her DW for cheating its your job to stop her behaving so stupidly.

Its not going to be a fun conversation though, so good luck.

AdrenalineFudge · 13/02/2016 21:01

*how would she be at risk of losing her daughter? , I mean.

WeAreEternal · 13/02/2016 21:03

I read it that she the OP wants to know if she should say something to her friend about how she doesnt agree with her cheating on her wife.

shazzarooney99 · 13/02/2016 21:04

The messenger always gets shot.

Believeitornot · 13/02/2016 21:08

It says Do i keep her secret

Which I read as should we tell.

TwatMagnet · 13/02/2016 21:11

All this drama and she hasn't actually done anything yet? I get the distinct impression, OP, that you are busting a gut to tell on her! Some friend.

Original poster
Tingtung · 13/02/2016 21:13

I dont want to ruin anything for her hence why i havent already said anything.

Ive told her i think what shes doing is wrong, she has told me she had intentions of sleeping with her, she really likes this new girl but also loves her partner.

She has no PR over the baby, she was conceived through sperm donation, so if they split up her partner wouldnt have to let her see the child.

I thought maybe if it came out before she actually slept with her then it might not be as messy.

OP posts:
ReginaBlitz · 13/02/2016 21:14

Some friend you are!

Believeitornot · 13/02/2016 21:16

Her choices are her own. It is not for you to say or not say anything to anyone but her.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/02/2016 21:18

Why isn't she on the birth certificate?

www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

Original poster
Tingtung · 13/02/2016 21:18

So you's would all be okay with your partners going off and meeting other people?

My concern in this situation is the baby, if there wasnt a baby involved i would just tell her to do what she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tingtung · 13/02/2016 21:20

There not married thats why shes not on the BC

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 13/02/2016 21:29

What if it 'came out' you told on her and her partner left her, taking the baby, when she's done nothing? Leave it alone.

3WiseWomen · 13/02/2016 21:32

As her friend, your role is to support her.
She might be making a mistake (just as her partner did!!) but whatever she decides to do, what she needs is someone to support her, ie listen to her and help her.

If you start judging her, you won't be able to do that.

From the outside, her relationship might look great. However, her partner cheated about 6 months ago. As far as cheating is concerned, that's nothing and very little time to build trust again. Which leads me to another question, are you sure their relationship is that strong. And that she has 'forgiven' her partner?

As for the child, he is already caught up in the middle if a drama that started by his mum cheating in her partner.
Your friend cheating isn't going to make it better, that's true.
But telling her partner that your friend is planning to cheat (but hasn't yet).... I'm struggling to see how this is going to help that child....

3WiseWomen · 13/02/2016 21:37

The problem is that it's not an issue of whether if it's ok for your partner to cheat or not.
The problem is that it's not yours to tell, esp when nothing has happened yet.

At your place, I would be asking my friend how unhappy she is in the relationship and encourage her to chose (her partner or being 'free', free to have new partners). I would encourage her to have a look at her relationship with her partner. I would help her take a decision and maybe make the jump and say 'no I can't forgive' even though it might mean she can't see this baby, a baby she must have wanted very much too, anymore.
And that must a hard decision to take fir anyone.

backonthebikeagain · 13/02/2016 21:38

Keep the secret but guide her to do the right thing. If you tell you will lose the friendship forever.

TheFuckitBuckit · 13/02/2016 21:38

She trusted you enough to tell you this, but now you want to Break her trust even though she hasn't actually done anything. If you want to throw away your friendship and break up a relationship then go ahead.
I don't see what you could possibly gain from this

I don't condone cheating in anyway shape or form, but there is a time and a place to speak up and I don't think this is one of them.

You need to butt out

Arfarfanarf · 13/02/2016 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.