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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think friends get more competitivewith age

20 replies

Yukismydefaultposition · 11/02/2016 14:02

I went for my usual happy visit to my life long friend and was a bit put out by her running down all the things dh and I are doing this year and playing up everything she and her dh were doing as "probably something we could not afford"!!

I have noticed that the nearer retirement age we are getting the more competitive she is getting about having all the latest and most expensive décor, car, equipment, home, area they live in, holidays and pretty much everything. My dh and I have nowhere near their standard of living and our car is about 10yrs old whereas they just bought a new one, our home is in a nice area but not as good or showroom as theirs but we are happy with what we have as it is fresh, clean and homely. We recently replaced our carpets with laminate flooring to be told that only "engineered wood flooring" is good enough and laminate is the cheap alternative!

It has become more noticeable now that we have booked our first cruise (our friends have cruised many times) and I have had to listen to how the ship we chose does not have good food or facilities and the balconies are small. Funny really as they are also booking a cruise on this ship in the Summer this year!

DH says just ignore it but I was wondering if others have experienced this and how you deal with it.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/02/2016 14:31

to be told that only "engineered wood flooring" is good enough
Your response - 'Ooohhh... excellent, we can't afford it so I'm assuming you will have it all replaced for us'

Do you still enjoy your friendship with these people?
If not then I suggest cutting back on meeting up with them.

Every time they knock you down a good fashioned P/A response would be just fine.
Or the standard MN 'did you mean to be so rude' should suffice.

TheLynchpin · 11/02/2016 14:36

I know people like this. When they're boasting and putting others down (deliberate or otherwise) it probably means they've got something lacking in their own lives, and feel the need to show off in other ways.

There's more to life than possessions and money.

FWIW, I don't have my own house or car, have never been on a cruise and haven't even been out of the country in 4 years. Yet, I've never been happier :)

blobbityblob · 11/02/2016 14:44

I think if you have a nice home, a car and are going on a cruise you're doing pretty well in the grand scheme of things. Who needs a friend like that?

I'm nearing 50 and the only person I know who's retired is the council worker friend who always has a hole in his shoe. Appearances can be very deceptive.

SnozzberryWibble · 11/02/2016 14:48

They don't sound like very nice friends. If my child spoke to their friends in this way I'd be telling him not to be so rude! Some people have no manners.

longdiling · 11/02/2016 14:50

I dunno, she was probably an arsehole to begin with and has got worse with age. I've never had friends like that and I can't imagine them turning into that either. I certainly wouldn't be wasting my precious free time with people like that. Ditch them!

JessicaJones · 11/02/2016 14:57

but we are happy with what we have

This is the most important part of your OP. It doesn't sound like your friend can say the same if they have this huge need to talk everything they have up and do you down.

If you can, ignore it, and feel sorry for them for being unable to appreciate what they have.

Original poster
Yukismydefaultposition · 11/02/2016 14:59

Thanks guys. I tend to be happy in my skin and very happy with dh who is quiet but strong and lives for our kids and his family. I have thought for a while that her family is not as happy as ours and her children and both mum in laws are always at war and someone not speaking to someone else.

I tend to react by smiling sweetly and telling her everyone is different and we all like different things; there is no good or bad if it hurts no one.

Her dh rolls his eyes sometimes at the things she says! But it is a bit annoying that she no longer shares our joys and successes but picks holes in the things we think are special to us.

I do take on board how lucky we are to have a car and our own home and to look forward to our first special holiday in a few weeks on our cruise!

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 11/02/2016 15:00

Not age, just her. I'm just 50, I don't know if anybody that's become more like this.

wasonthelist · 11/02/2016 15:00

None of my friends are like that op I have much nicer friends than ........oh wait....
..
Seriously though what a crap "friend"

Gobbolino6 · 11/02/2016 15:03

I think your response sounds spot on. I know a few people like this and I think most do it out of insecurity. Still not an attractive quality in a friend, though. Are you sure you want to stay friends?

ProfYaffle · 11/02/2016 15:20

I don't think it's age either. In fact, I've found the opposite, most people seem to mellow with age and the competitive thing slides away. She just sounds plain old annoying.

ZiggyFartdust · 11/02/2016 15:26

You have one friend who is getting more competitive. Why generalise that everyone else is? Confused

Original poster
Yukismydefaultposition · 11/02/2016 15:27

wasonthelist.... you did make me laugh!

Gobbolino6 .....Yes, I want to stay friends as we have known eachother over 30yrs and have gone through good times and bad, worked together and holidayed together (usually their second holiday and just a cottage in the UK but usually our main holiday). We have had a long and happy history and this is a recent thing.

We are also all in our 50's so far from "old". Maybe we mellow as we get older but she is going the opposite way and it is hard work sometimes.

Glad to know it is not normal as it sounds like a phase that will pass.

OP posts:
bornwithaplasticspoon · 11/02/2016 15:33

She sounds like a bore and possibly quite unhappy. Happy people don't need to boast and put others down.

Original poster
Yukismydefaultposition · 11/02/2016 16:05

I think it is the putting us down that hurts the most.

Especially when we have both worked so hard all our lives and things should be getting easier financially for all of us (small or no mortgage etc).

I am just a bit worried. I think that I may lose them as friends if this goes on. Just at a time when we could be looking at lots of time to enjoy eachother's company in retirement in about 7yrs time.

OP posts:
Obs2016 · 11/02/2016 16:12

Open your eyes to what she really is and have the strength to just let this slide into a nothing relationship.

TitClash · 11/02/2016 16:14

^^ This. I would suggest she is jealous of your happy relationship, as she isnt boasting about hers...

junebirthdaygirl · 11/02/2016 16:59

Find the opposite actually as we age. We couldn't give a dam what anyone has. We have been through the ups and downs of life together as friends over the years and what people have is totally irrelevant now. We are all in our 50s. She sounds like life has made her bitter. Enjoy the cruise. Sound fun.

tinofbiscuits · 11/02/2016 17:05

I would ask her "are you being competitive again?" or "was that meant to be a put down?"

Atenco · 11/02/2016 17:37

She actually sounds very unhappy

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