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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to not tell her WWYD

25 replies

Chala86 · 01/02/2016 13:09

Really sorry to foist yet another wedding thread on you all but I need another perspective. I have an acquaintance, we'll call her Daisy, who used to be a friend. We had a big fall out years ago. While we both apologised we've not really spoken since. My sister and Daisy are still good friends and flat share. I'm getting married this year. Daisy may be under the impression that she will be coming. My DP can't stand her and doesn't want Daisy to come. I'm not fussed. I haven't sent invites out yet - will be doing this tomorrow. My sister thinks I should text Daisy to tell her she won't be invited because she doesn't want to tell her and doesn't want to deal with the potential fallout as Daisy is always very offended if she isn't invited to outings and will take it out on my sister. I think if I text her just to say you're not invited I'm creating a fallout without needing to. So WIBU to not text her to say you're not invited? WWYD?

OP posts:

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 01/02/2016 13:11

I think that's asking for trouble.

Surely she'll work out she's not invited when she doesn't receive an invite?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 01/02/2016 13:12

I would give your sister a nice, fanc invite. Saying 'please join the close family of chala for the wedding'.

Sister then can show daisy it's family only.

honeysucklejasmine · 01/02/2016 13:12

It sounds pretty harsh to make a point of saying "you aren't invited". I just wouldn't send an invite! And then only confirm it, as it were, if she kicks off.

Finola1step · 01/02/2016 13:13

Just don't send an invite. Don't engage in any wedding conversations with her. Suggest to your dsis that she does the same. Leave it be.

ricketytickety · 01/02/2016 13:13

Don't text her. No need to explain - she's not your friend anymore. If she gives your sister hassle it's not your fault and your sis might need to reevaluate her relationship with someone who behaves so unreasonably.

OTheHugeManatee · 01/02/2016 13:15

I think it's far meaner to send a special text to let someone know they're NFI.

Daisy sounds like hard work. But she's not your problem, she's your sister's problem.

Daisy2016 · 01/02/2016 13:15

Why on earth would you let people know they aren't invited!!? That's asking for trouble and is just reaffirming to daisy you aren't interested in her. I understand your sister may be awkward with living with her but that's your sisters feelings about it and it's not fair to get you to deal with that to save her a potentially awkward conversation. Don't send a text to daisy. Send the invites. Let your sister deal with it as it really sounds her problem

Whitney168 · 01/02/2016 13:16

Why on earth would she think she'd be invited when you've 'not really spoken for years'?

No, certainly wouldn't send a text.

Bluecheese22 · 01/02/2016 13:17

If you don't speak why would she expect to be invited? I think specifically telling her she's not invited seems a bit mean and unnecessary, surely when she doesn't get an invite she'll understand?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 01/02/2016 13:19

If you drew a line under the fall out years ago but haven't spoken since, you don't socialize or anything, why on earth would she expect to be invited?
even if she was invited for some odd reason, surely she wouldn't feel very comfortable anyway.

You know this is a situation where she'll put you in the wrong whatever you do, so do nothing.

If she finds out and gives your sister grief, your sister should just respond with 'I didn't think you were in touch any more' and refuse to be a party to any discussions.

I think it'd be very inappropriate to text her let alone to text saying she wasn't included in something.

Arfarfanarf · 01/02/2016 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Chala86 · 01/02/2016 13:24

Thank you. You've all confirmed what I thought. I did tell dsis it was a bad idea to text her. Seemed mean to me. Also said surely she'll work it out when there's no invite.

OP posts:

bessiebumptious2 · 01/02/2016 13:26

Assuming that you're sending your sister a +1 invite to your wedding, just do that and let your sister decide how she then wants to handle it! She can then choose to bring her friend as a +1 if she's so scared of her reaction.

Original poster

Chala86 · 01/02/2016 13:31

Bessie - yes dais has a +1 but is inviting her DP. If she'd asked Daisy I wouldn't have stopped her. It's only a small wedding so limited space. I didn't want to invite every man and his dog.

OP posts:

bessiebumptious2 · 01/02/2016 13:33

Well then that's your dsis's choice and you're not responsible for the fact that she's chosen who she wants to take!

If dsis kicks up a stink then that's what I'd be telling her

KatharinaRosalie · 01/02/2016 13:33

Another concurring opinion that texting someone that they're NOT invited is weird and a bit mean. Your sis doesn't have to tell her anything, surely Daisy will get the idea that she's not invited when she does not get the invite.

NynaevesSister · 01/02/2016 13:34

Well I think that's your sister's answer. If Daisy can't handle the fact that it is a small wedding then I am beginning to see why you're not friends anymore.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/02/2016 13:36

It's not your fault Daisy takes out her tantrums on your sister and it is unfair of your sister to tell you to tell her so she doesn't have to deal with the strops. Your sister needs to deal with her when she is badly behaved towards her.

YakTriangle · 01/02/2016 13:41

Telling someone they're NOT invited to something is like in primary school. 'You're not coming to my birthday party' accompanied sticking out your tongue.
Adults realise they aren't invited to an event because... They aren't invited to it. It would be mad to text her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/02/2016 13:47

"My sister thinks I should text Daisy to tell her she won't be invited because she doesn't want to tell her and doesn't want to deal with the potential fallout as Daisy is always very offended if she isn't invited to outings and will take it out on my sister."
That is your sisters problem. She doesn't get to make it yours. Surely your sister can manage a breezy 'why would you be invited when you don't even speak to each other?'. And if Daisy is such a PITA, more fool your sister for flatsharing with her.

Veritat · 01/02/2016 13:51

If Daisy expects to go on every single outing your sister as her flatmate has, your sister has a big problem. Sounds like she'd improve her life to quite a major extent just by moving out, and she'd resolve this problem into the bargain.

Original poster

Chala86 · 01/02/2016 13:52

WhereYouLeftIt - my sentiments exactly. I thought it was a very odd request . Dsis let's Daisy walk all over her and puts up with her tantrums. I tried to explain that texting her was more likely to cause a tantrum than to prevent one. I don't even have Daisy's number to be able to do it. But I'll go with my original choice - to let Daisy work it out for herself.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 01/02/2016 13:55

Agree with everyone else. You don't text someone to tell them they are not invited to something. That would be very, very odd - like Yak says, a bit like sticking your tongue out and taunting them with the fact they don't have an invitation.
Your sister needs to just be clear, if 'Daisy' raises the subject of your wedding, that, while as it's obviously nothing to do with her who is invited, she is aware that it's not going to be a big 'do' so there was no saying she (Daisy) would get an invitation, and that she shouldn't be so presumptuous.

DinosaursRoar · 01/02/2016 14:14

Don't send her "you aren't invited" text - tell your sister it's fine if she wants to say it's a very small wedding with just close family and a couple of best friends, "Daisy" must realise she's not in either category. (of course, if your Dsis is then tagged in big group shots on facebook making it clear it's a bigger wedding, then Daisy might twig this isn't the case, but hey, not your problem...)

Your sister has chosen to be close friends and flatshare with someone she knows is a drama llama, the downside of that is that when Daisy throws a trantrum, she's got to put up with it. Normal people's reactions when faced with an adult friend who they fear will throw a tantrum when they don't get their own way would be to try and distance themselves from the trantruming adult, not try to get another adult to deflect the tantrum onto them.

shinynewusername · 01/02/2016 14:26

Jeez, unless Daisy ran off with your pension fund or ran over your dog, it would be pretty fucking harsh to text her to say she is not invited. Why not add that you've never liked her and she's got a fat arse while you're at it?

Your DSis just wants to get out of an awkward conversation but a text would make things much worse. Ignore.

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