About DB and partner coming to my wedding

[DamascusTwelve]

I'm getting married in August. I told my DB and his partner in August and he still hasn't shown that he would like to come. Of course I've asked them, and every time he says ("it might be difficult") and the reasons always seems quite tame. Their daughter will be starting school two weeks later. It's in summer and he would like to take his children on holiday.

The wedding is in Belgium so it's a distance to travel, and I understand that, and of course it wouldn't be cheap, but they're not badly off. He hasn't suggested he could come alone without the children. I understand that I'm low down on his priorities, but I wish I could least know. I asked him whether he could be a witness and for legal reasons we need to know in advance. Would you be upset by this? Should I offer to pay?

Just because they are well off doesn't mean they have that money spare at the moment. If you have a wedding abroad, you can't necessarily count on people being able to come, no matter how well off they seem. You could offer to pay - and see if that changes things. Or don't, they might come, they might not. If you need him as a witness, I'd offer to pay, but if you can have someone else, I'd start to get that in place, and maybe tell him you are doing so.

But has he actually said he isn't coming? Maybe he isn't deciding until he has a formal invite. I would wait until then and his response before offering to pay. I know you feel that the wedding is imminent and want answers now (I was the same) whereas he probably isn't even considering it yet.

Every time you ask him he says "it might be difficult". He's saying no, without saying no, to avoid hurting your feelings. But it's still a no.
It's one of the downsides of marrying abroad; not everyone can / wants to go.

August is ages away, and not on anyone's radar except yours. If you want him to play a role in it, then you need an answer. Tell him that, and that you don't mind whether he's coming or not but you need to know.

he doesn't - he wants to go on holiday. That's fine. Tell him that so you get the answer.

I see it as that it is more that he doesn't want to come rather than he can't come. I'm just a bit sad that he doesn't want to be at my wedding, given that it will require some not inconsiderable inconveniences for him, which I understand

I wouldn't offer to pay (unless you want to), just ask him to let you know for definite as you need to know for legal requirements. Tell him you understand if he can't

Can't you just have that conversation with him... "Can you let me know by the end of the week if you are, or aren't coming as it would mean a lot to me for you to be a witness, but there are certain procedures we have to go through so I need confirmation now. I really hope you can, if you you have decided you aren't, then I need to know that now".

As Belgium isn't really some exotic beach location, I'm guessing OP lives there, or he df is from there, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your own brother to want to be there, especially with a year's notice. For people who just decide to go somewhere exotic to pass costs on to their guests, it's very different.

If you need to know now for purposes of being a witness that's fine. Just say: "I completely understand that it's a hard decision for you about whether to come to the wedding but I need to fill in the official paperwork now. If you aren't in a position to say yes now, I quite understand but I'll need to nominate someone else to be a witness."

Yes, I do live in Belgium and I hoped he would some point come and visit where I live (he hasn't ever been) and I've been out here for two years. There's no rush to know, but because I bureaucracy, I probably do need to know by April. It's just that I had a conversation with him and I'd just a bit frustrated by having not shown any real desire to want to come

I think you have to be very considerate when it comes to weddings abroad as it is a big ask financially and time wise.

You have acknowledged that it will not be a cheap event and your DB has also mentioned a family holiday. It could be that he will have to choose between your wedding and a family holiday. If they work perhaps it will be difficult to arrange leave for a family holiday plus the wedding.

While you cannot expect them to attend the wedding you do deserve an answer either way, so perhaps next time say can you let me know either way by X date as I need to make arrangements.

YANBU.

He's had plenty of time to think about it and it's not that expensive to get to Brussels if flights are booked far in advance and could also be a holiday destination for his family.

But sorry yes it does sound as if you're getting a brush off. I'd get back to him one more time by email, tell him you would like to have him there as your witness but you do understand if you can't make it and ask him to let you know by say the end of February with whatever he decides.

Don't let it impact on your enjoyment of the day.

To be honest though it's not like you couldn't have a lovely holiday in Belgium.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your brother to come to where you live for your wedding. It's Belgium, not Rio de Janerio. He's known since last August, and has had plenty of time to look into the best option (fly / rail / drive). This is his sister's wedding! A (hopefully!) once in a lifetime occasion and very special day in her life.

He sounds flaky and I wouldn't want him to be a witness even if he does come. I would ask someone who makes an effort to see me (ie visits at least once in two years) and is not only coming to wedding for definite but it actually looking forward to it. Ask someone else to be your witness. And maybe let go of your expectations of your flaky brother. (And definitely don't go the extra mile for him!)

YANBU - he's being an arse. I got married in the US and my sister and all three of my step-brothers came. One flew in from Bolivia and another had a 3-month-old baby and they STILL came. And none of my siblings was particularly well-off either, but they cared enough to prioritise coming.

Assuming he is fit and healthy and can drive, he could presumably get to yours in a matter of hours. Send him an invite with an rsvp date on it. He is in or out.

Is there something he and his family can do when they visit. So you can say well there is blah blah for the DCs and such and such to visit at the weekend.

Can you describe what the wedding will be and have you looked at accomm for them, is there a great pool/ museum/ cheap accomm that thye might appreciate?