AIBU to believe one DS over an another?

[PurpleFish88]

I've only joined for some quick advice on my situation.

Okay so I have 2 DSs (7 and 11) they get on really well. I always go into their rooms at night and have individual talks DS2 said to me that "(DS1's name) makes him do bad stuff at night".. I asked what he meant and he shrugs and says ask him... So I did think that was strange because it came across like he didn't know... I went in and asked DS2 what 'bad stuff' do you make DS1 do and he says "Nothing, what is he on about?" he then kept going on about it, like so much it seemed like he was guilty, but was trying too hard to cover it up... I then left it, but kept a close ear and I heard DS1 go into his room and say "why are you saying that for!?" and slaps him and then he goes back to bed and DS2 got up to tell me... It's just such a bizzare situation i have never been in before... I am definitely starting to believe DS2, but is that unfair?

Advice pls!

Anyone? Sorry, would love some advice before they got home

I think you should get a full account from ds2 before you start deciding who's telling the truth, or how to deal with it. Then ask ds1 what he's got to say based on that.

"bad stuff" has such a wide interpretation that I really think you do need to get some more details from DS2.

He slapped him? That's extremely worrying for a start. You need to get more info from DS2 about what happened. But they shouldn't be left alone in that room at night because of the slapping alone.

They are in separate rooms

Agreed, so. To clarify, ds1 is the 11yr old and ds2 the 7yr old? And the elder asked the younger to "do bad stuff " is that right?

And, not to drip feed, have you spoken to them both about the 'pants rule' ? Cos, honestly, that's what I'm thinking.

Yes, it's the 11 year old that has supposedly asked him to do bad stuff and what's the pants rule? If you're referring to sexual things, there is no way, never would that have occurred

Put an intercom in the rooms, a nannycam, or a door alarm. Or all 3. One of them is lying. Maybe that would be enough to put a stop to it, but I'd prefer to know whats going on.
The slap would concern me. But so would lying about this.

I would suggest calling the NSPCC, and pulling this thread. I understand that sometimes sickos post threads like this because they like hearing about it. I am NOT calling you a troll just saying they do exist and be wary.

Mine's nowhere near that age so this isn't advice given on experience but I didn't want to read and run....

You know your boys best - on a scale of "badness" what could that encompass? I had very black and white thinking at that age so "bad stuff" would have included getting out of bed to eat sweets at midnight (which we did). Could it be perfectly innocent mischief that your DS2 didn't initiate and is feeling guilty about? It does sound from your description that DS1 has a guilty conscience about something but it's not necessarily something awful.

I think in your position I'd ask DS2 at bedtime what he meant last night, reassure him that you're not going to be cross with either of them but sometimes adults are the best placed to work out what is bad and what's not, and see if he will tell you.

If it is something bad then it doesn't necessarily make your DS1 a bad child. I had a childhood friend who had a brother and they got caught sticking fingers up each others bottoms - not great obviously but the parents made it waaaaayyyyyyyyy worse by treating the older boy basically like a predatory sex offender.

Oh my gosh, I was thinking along the lines of him hitting him, nothing sexual, sorry if it's coming across like that, but I just don't think that's something which would happen!! Honestly, my kids don't think a lot is bad, if they have done something bad and I say it's bad, they always go with the "well, it isn't exactly bad" kid of thing

I immediately thought of something sexual and I would take DS1 saying "ask him" when you questioned the bad stuff as him being too embarrassed to say. DS2 might have hit his brother for telling you and dropping him in it. You obviously need to get to the bottom of this but I wouldn't blame either boy, as you are less likely to get to the truth. It might be some low level experimentation, but I think it's important that DS1 is believed if it's something sexual.

So, I'm thinking that the 11yr old has asked the 7yr old to do 'something' and, I dunno, but I guess this might be touching his (11yr old)s penis? Perfectly natural for the 11yr old to have a pleasurable erection, but inappropriate to ask the 7yr old to facilitate the outcome.

So, op, time for That Talk, or, if their father is around, time for him to do it.

For the record, my 10yr old dd, one breakfast-time, v. Recently (her dads been away for a few weeks) said, conversationally-like, " mum, sometimes I rub my front bottom" me, gulping on my tea, not expecting this so soon..."why?" .."dunno, it just feels nice"..

DS, 8, keeps chomping away at his toast, hadn't a clue, obv.

Oh, I told her "yes, I remember(?!) it feels nice as our body starts to grow up(she's got little buds growing) but it's a private thing, best keep it for when you're in bed, OK "

Best I could do, with school bags to be packed and the school bus approaching

Really wasn't expecting that!

Btw, purple bar underneath the page shows "15 ways to shake up breakfast"

Not wrong there!

All the best, op.

X

I think in your position I would sit down with DS2, preferably when DS1 isn't around, and gently try to find out what he means. Reiterate that he won't be in trouble.

You need to speak to your younger Ds regarding what the bad stuff is because there's really a universe of difference when it comes to 'bad things'.

If the "bad stuff" was DS1 hitting DS2 why would DS2 not just say "he hits me" or "he does bad stuff to me" rather than "he makes me do bad stuff"?

Being hit by someone is not being made to do something, it's having something done to you.

"DS1 makes me do bad stuff" implies that DS2 has to participate in something.

I think you've muddled them up a bit in your first post. At first you say DS2 told you it was DS1 doing the bad stuff, then you say you asked DS2 what bad stuff he makes DS1 do.

I've taken you at your first word that it's DS1 making DS2 do something bad, that he clearly doesn't want to do.

Whatever you think it may be, you have to get to the bottom of it, and you can't rule anything out without getting a clearer explanation from DS2, but without putting words in his mouth.

if your ds said this in reference to anyone else what wd your reaction be? Do not do the ostrich act -better for you to deal with this as fully and openly as possible, than for your ds to be shut down and things get worse.

Well clearly they've done something naughty. the age gap at 4 yrs is enough for a large power imbalance. I'd send ds1 off somewhere with someone and interrogate ds2, whilst bribing with chocolate or something.

I think this is pretty worrying. I agree with a pp who pointed out that if it was just hitting, wouldn't ds2 have said "ds1 hits me", not "he makes me do bad stuff."

That's rather bizarre... I'd talk to DS2 and explain you'll sort things out, no matter what and I'd talk to DS1 and explain he isn't in trouble, but would like to understand what's happening. Good luck, OP :)