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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag do, leaving me with a toddler & newborn

102 replies

Leafy89 · 25/01/2016 21:36

Hey, I'm looking for reassurance here really, I have an 18 month old daughter and currently 6.5 months pregnant, my OH is best man this July and they are looking to go abroad for the stag do for 3 nights after our 2nd little one is born. I'm really panicking about being left with a 22 month old and a newborn, I've suffered with depression and it's got worse since we found out we were expecting again (even though it was planned) I feel selfish asking him not to go but I'm so nervous already with the thought of coping with two. Would I be in the wrong to suggest he didn't go abroad and only go to the home stag. Thanks in advance :)

OP posts:
SellFridges · 25/01/2016 21:40

I'd say it depends on the following:

  • Can you afford it?
  • Do you have other support around? Maybe family who you can pop round to or friends (perhaps the other wives/girlfriends of those going on the stag)?
  • Will you get a weekend off at some point?

If you can say yes to those then I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to go. If not, it needs more thought.

RubbleBubble00 · 25/01/2016 21:41

Baby will be 4 months roughly?

I think he should go. If your nervous, gather some support from friends and family

JarethTheGoblinKing · 25/01/2016 21:41

When are you actually due? I know it seems scary, but assuming baby arrives sometime in April, you've got a while before the stag to get into your new routine. It really is easier second time around (in my experience anyway).

Could he book nearer the time, when you know how you're coping with two small ones?

FlamingoFandango · 25/01/2016 21:42

So you're due early-mid April?

When are they talking about doing the stag? Is there anyone else that can stay with you? Are you being treated for your depression?

On the surface I think it would be a bit UR for him not to go as he's the best man if you can find a solution that you're comfortable with, as baby presumably won't be really, really tiny.

Of course if that isn't doable he should put you and the DC's first.

GlitteryFluff · 25/01/2016 21:42

Do you have any family or friends who would be happy to come and stay whilst he was away? Or even if they live close by to help out if you needed it? (Or are you in middle of nowhere and family miles away?)
If not then i don't think it's unreasonable to talk to him about not going.

BikeRunSki · 25/01/2016 21:43

3 days after the baby is born - you could still be in hospital, you could be ill, the baby could be ill.
3 days after the baby is due - the baby may not even have be born and you could go into labour anytime.
Even if the baby has been born, you'll still be in that newborn fug, although th toddler won't be!

I am all for parents having time away from their children to pursue adult stuff, but in this situation expectant/new mum and baby (and toddler) come first.

Coping with two is OK, but not immediately! Your DH need to man uo an recognise this.

ZiggyFartdust · 25/01/2016 21:43

Newborn is under 6 weeks, wont your baby be much older?
I would wait and see how things go.

theycallmemellojello · 25/01/2016 21:45

I think it really depends if you have a support network, or can go stay with family. I think it would be ideal to let him go, as he is the best man. But if you don't have anyone, I can see it would be hard. And go see a gp about the depression if you haven't already, best not to let that dictate things.

BikeRunSki · 25/01/2016 21:45

Doh, just reread - he's not going 3 days after the baby is born! He's going for 3 days, after the baby is born and will be about 4 months old. That's fine. I wouldn't mind that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/01/2016 21:46

"Would I be in the wrong to suggest he didn't go abroad and only go to the home stag."
So there's TWO stag do's?

theycallmemellojello · 25/01/2016 21:46

Oh wait sorry, how little will the baby be? In the first couple of months I think he shouldn't go. Sorry missed the timing.

TheNumberfaker · 25/01/2016 21:47

How close to the due date is the stag? Do you have any family that could help out if it's too close for comfort?
Seems a shame for him to miss out on the stag if he's best man!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 25/01/2016 21:48

Can you make that decision once LO is here? Though if this is even bothering you in the slightest, it would be sensible to discuss it with him now.

As a side note, I really don't get either going abroad, or having multiple stag / hen dos...

Original poster
Leafy89 · 25/01/2016 21:49

They're looking to go middle of. May, I'm due 25th April. I've chosen not to go back to work so solely relying on one wage which is okay for everyday but not really enough left over for luxury anymore.
Yeah my family are amazing but he's been on 3 other stags since number 1 was born and they say they'll help whilst he's away and I never saw anyone and no one popped around.
Unfortunately not, I've missed out on the hen do's due to lack of money and breastfeeding.

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 25/01/2016 21:50

I'd think he should go. Get some one to come and stay if you don't want to be alone, but I don't think it's fair for him to miss out on the stag at which he's best man. I'd say the same if you wanted to go to a hen weekend at the same time (if it was possible around bf etc!)

Monty27 · 25/01/2016 21:51

You'll be fine, honestly. And just think of the future when you can both rely on each other to get me time.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 25/01/2016 21:55

They're going middle of May and you're due end of April?

Changed my mind. No, he can't go. If you go past your DD, you might have a baby of only a few days old.

And if you're on that tight a budget he needs to suck it up.

Fluffy24 · 25/01/2016 21:56

Ooh I don't think he should go less than a month after you're due - what if you need a CS?

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that with a newborn under a month old and a toddler you need either him at home, or cast iron guarantee that you have someone else to stay and help you all weekend. Then when you add in the issue about money...

DixieNormas · 25/01/2016 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitteryFluff · 25/01/2016 21:59

After reading your latest post I don't think he should go. Baby could have only just been born if you go over due, you'd need support if you had a section (always a possibility), you missed out on hen do's as no money but he's been on several stag do's and wants to go on another, you can't go away as you bf, and you had no support those times before when he went away.
Nope. Not fair.

ZiggyFartdust · 25/01/2016 22:00

a few weeks old....no, he shouldn't go. He shouldnt need to be told that though!

pookamoo · 25/01/2016 22:03

Not fair, no.
Baby may also be late...

Original poster
Leafy89 · 25/01/2016 22:04

Thank you all , I feel like I'm being so horrible even suggesting that he can't go away for the abroad stag, if the baby was a few months old and I had time to adjust I'd be more confident with routine etc i'll probably be packing his suitcase for him. And he will also be going on the home stag, I'm just panicking if I have to have a c-section or anything goes wrong, I don't want to be left on my own.

OP posts:
Xmas2013SantaA9291 · 25/01/2016 22:05

My husband went on a stag do when I had a 19 month old and a 6 week old. He was the best man and it was abroad (for him)

That said, my sister took my toddler for the weekend and I only had the newborn.

If you aren't going to be able to get this support I would say no.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 25/01/2016 22:07

The fact there are two stag dos (two lots of cost as well) makes it even more reasonable for you to say you need him at home. You're completely right, there could be complications - and I'm not trying to be negative there, but the last thing you need is a baby a few days old, a toddler, trying to recover from birth, adjust to a new baby, be sorting out breastfeeding, and him shouting, "see you in three days love". It's just not practical.

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