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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU of two halves, wedding related...

23 replies

jevoudrais · 16/01/2016 17:20

OH and I are getting married this year. Wedding was going to be childfree, but OH's brother and girlfriend have recently adopted and so have two children.

OH is going to ask his brother to be Best Man. I think OH's brother and gf would like their children to be involved and I would happily have them as flower girl etc if they are happy for them to do that.

AIBU 1) not to ask OH's brother's gf to be bridesmaid?

Someone said I really should as her OH and children will likely be involved, but I had thought the children might be happier walking down the aisle if they could see Mum/Dad at the front to walk towards? Also, I already have two bridesmaids and I would be asking out of politeness I suppose, I feel as though that could be worse really. Who wants to be bridesmaid because someone felt obliged to ask?

AIBU 2) not to invite other children, e.g. my cousins/cousin's baby?

Part of me trusts OH's brother and gf to keep their two occupied and, to be honest, I see them regularly and I don't really see my cousins very often. Plus, my side of the family is huge and OH's is minuscule, so it is easier to invite 'all' of his (we're talking 28 people to 8). My side also have a habit of getting smashed and causing rows so inviting some of them (including the children who should be at school as it is a school day) to evening only would make me feel a bit more calm in terms of there being 'fireworks' of sorts...

AIBU with 1) and 2)?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/01/2016 17:22

God, why are you inviting anyone who's going to create a brawl? Are you close to your cousins?

landrover · 16/01/2016 17:23

Absolutely fine IMO. I think its a wonderful idea to involve their adopted children, if I was the girlfriend I would be fine about not being a bridesmaid. To be honest, it would have occurred to me. x

Hulababy · 16/01/2016 17:24

You don't need to ask the adult to be bridesmaid.

Be careful with barring babies - unless you are more than happy for parents to not come and to feel a bit upset or out out about it, especially when they know some other children are invited.

witsender · 16/01/2016 17:24

If a baby, how old? Feel free not to invite,but don't be sad if they decline.

PoppieD · 16/01/2016 17:24

Nope! It's not often I say this but your and DPs wedding, you are not obligated to do anything- the way I looked at ours, would I be happy to take the invitee out for a meal and spend £50+ on them for it?

19lottie82 · 16/01/2016 17:26

I think you're overthinking the whole flower girl / bridesmaid thing. If you actually WANT either of these then ask, but don't do it out of any obligation, I don't think either would be expected.

However, I don't think you can declare your wedding child free then make exceptions. All or nothing IMO, sorry.

theycallmemellojello · 16/01/2016 17:28

Sorry, but I think it's going to be very hard to invite some children and not others. I think you have to do all or nothing, at least if you want to avoid resentment and hurt feelings. I don't think you need to have BIL's gf in your wedding party though, in fact she'd probably feel weird if you did if you don't know her well.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 16/01/2016 17:28

I think including the children is lovely but don't think you need to ask the gf to a bridesmaid. My DD is a flower girl in my friend's wedding this summer but I'm not a bridesmaid. She has sisters, I get it.

Wet to the cousin's baby, up to you. Depends on how little.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 16/01/2016 17:29

*wrt

SisterMoonshine · 16/01/2016 17:30

Just the children for bridesmaids (but then I think adult bridesmaids are silly).
Then the 2 neices are are the only DC as they're part of the wedding.

neolara · 16/01/2016 17:34

I think it's completely fine to invite kids of siblings but not other kids. I definitely don't think you have to invite the gf to be a bridesmaid.

Original poster

jevoudrais · 16/01/2016 17:46

I get on with some cousins really well when I see them, others less well. A couple have caused trouble for themselves/their parents in the last couple of years. My solution was to invite all cousins to evening only. I would have liked some to come all day, but I didn't think that would be fair/would cause major family drama.

Regarding 'declaring' a childfree wedding, only five people/couples have children. One doesn't have his children as they're away with Mum over the wedding, another two have already said they can't wait to let their hair down with their children staying with grandparents (without me saying anything). The other two, one is a cousin who will have a young baby and probably be evening only invite as she's a cousin, the other is one aunt and uncle who have six kids, including one of the troublemakers. It's a school day wedding and four of them would need the day off (niece and nephew not of school age), so that sort of fitted with my 'evening only' invite for all cousins. My friend thought cousin/aunt and uncle may be unhappy when realising niece and nephew are there all day. Also a cousins vs niece and nephew angle I think.

OP posts:

CurlyBlueberry · 16/01/2016 17:51

I think it's fine not to ask OH's brother's gf to be bridesmaid, I doubt she'll expect that and will probably be pleased to have her children involved instead.

I also think it's fine to invite a sibling's children but not a cousin's children. Different circle.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 16/01/2016 17:56

Both sound reasonable decisions

MissingPanda · 16/01/2016 17:58

Siblings are different from cousins and different again from friends. If you have them as flower girls then you have the added 'reason' of only children in the wedding party allowed, as a pp said.

You don't need to ask the gf to be a bridesmaid. If you want to involve her then you could ask her to do a reading, although that isn't necessary either.

notquitehuman · 16/01/2016 18:06

Don't ask someone to be your bridesmaid out of politeness. She's a grown woman, I'm sure she won't be hurt if you don't ask her.

You aren't obliged to invite children who aren't close family. It's really up to you. However, you might have to accept that certain people won't come if they can't bring kids.

badg3r · 16/01/2016 18:07

You don't need to ask dh gf to be a bridesmaid. If they are your nieces and part of the wedding party then they trump cousins. You don't need to invite the cousins' kids.

ShhhBeQuiet · 16/01/2016 18:10

Sounds very reasonable of you. Hope the day goes brilliantly and is drama free

WutheringTights · 16/01/2016 18:14

Close friends of ours invited us to their wedding but not our children. Fine for the three year old, their choice and everything, but we also had an exclusively breastfed bottle refusing 4 month old, which meant we couldn't go. I was very hurt when I realised that other children had been invited. They had drawn a line somewhere or other for costs, and I understand that they had to do that, but effectively excluding us because we couldn't leave our very small baby did hurt.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/01/2016 19:09

Your bridesmaids need to be people you can 100% rely on. That automatically rules out someone's brother's girlfriend you're only asking out of politeness. Seriously, she'll be much happier getting smashed and chatting to your fighty family randoms

Noodledoodledoo · 16/01/2016 19:51

We had children who were part of the bridal party only, was an easy way to distinguish.

No one who was invited had any still breastfed babies, the one person this could have affected was returning to work the following week and I spoke to her prior to invites going out and made it clear little one could come if it was an issue - more to do with distance as well.

Only one couple couldn't make it - we had to draw a line as we are almost the last to get married and most of our friends had 2 kids so would have up-ed the numbers by 25%!

Have a fab day.

Original poster

jevoudrais · 16/01/2016 21:41

Thanks all

OP posts:

Dollymixtureyumyum · 17/01/2016 04:45

I am a bridesmaid and my op is a groomsman at a wedding in August and even though the wedding is child friendly we have decided not to take will be 3 by then year old Ds. Even though it was mentioned about Ds being a pageboy. We just though with both of us and Ds in the wedding party we would all have different jobs at different times and I just would not work very well. However if you other family going (we don't as it is a friend) it may work. However she is grown women and should completely understand why she is not being asked

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