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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or are these friends bulls****ing?

27 replies

JeSuisUnaStubbs · 01/01/2016 21:14

Friends for years, not particularly close but have got closer in recent years as they have 'settled' near us. They have teenagers, and we have toddlers and had a really busy and difficult time over the past few years meaning we've not been very sociable. However we are now able to get out more and keen to do so with any friends who have stuck with us through the pain!

We met up with them a couple of times through the year for lunch, but we were all keen to have a proper evening. They invited us to their house overnight for a few nights ago, and it was all arranged, we sorted out dog-sitting etc.

The day before, I got a message on Facebook from the wife saying they were having deep marital problems and could we not go, it would be terrible. I replied with sympathy, she messaged back and said she felt bad. I'm friends with both of them on Facebook. Her husband, separately, messaged my husband to say sorry.

Yesterday the husband posted photos on Facebook showing he was in London at a fairly big ticketed event on the night in question and I am wondering if they both concocted to bullshit us. They don't have form, but WE have form for being bullshitted and I'm a gullible sap.

What do you think?

OP posts:

MissMillament · 01/01/2016 21:16

I think maybe the marital issue was connected with the fact that he chose to have a big night out when they already had plans - was she there?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 01/01/2016 21:18

What MissMillament said. Was she there?

SavoyCabbage · 01/01/2016 21:24

Surely they wouldn't concoct such an elaborate lie and then blow the whole story on Facebook!

Original poster

JeSuisUnaStubbs · 01/01/2016 21:24

It wasn't clear. I don't think anyone would have a marital about having plans with us though (we are not that spectacular), and it sounded really bad from her message.

It wasn't really a female event, the thing in London, but she could've been there and just drinking with the wives or whatever. I was messaging her the night in question but her replies were short and stopped at 8pm. Not sure what to think. Don't mind being let down, life does take over, but would hate to think we'd been lied to.

OP posts:

SnootBoop · 01/01/2016 21:24

I don't think 'my marriage is dog shit' is a go to bullshit story! Much easier to say they're ill or something.

Original poster

JeSuisUnaStubbs · 01/01/2016 21:27

Savoy - that's what I thought, but it's the husband who has blown it and she may not know, and he may not have thought the implications through. I'm watching for it to be deleted as that would be very telling.

OP posts:

Original poster

JeSuisUnaStubbs · 01/01/2016 21:31

Snoot - I also thought that. My radar is so screwed from being fucked over by friends that I just sometimes think it's all a big conspiracy.

From your responses I think IABU and I'm happy with that. I'd rather that than the alternative.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 01/01/2016 21:32

I'd 'like' one of his photos! I presume you're Facebook friends with them and not stalking him ;)

rollonthesummer · 01/01/2016 21:33

It sounds a bit like they've blown you out for a party!?

Original poster

JeSuisUnaStubbs · 01/01/2016 21:36

Thought about liking a photo but worried it'll come across passive aggressive (which it would be!). I overthink everything.

OP posts:

Hellochicken · 01/01/2016 21:39

As pp said if they were going to lie, why then post the photos?

If she was in London I'd be suspicious, or if the photos were deleted. Either way it's a bit rubbish to treat you like this ?unless he's just left her?

MammaTJ · 01/01/2016 21:41

I think they have real problems and that is proven by his FB shit!

ladygracie · 01/01/2016 21:43

So was he out on the night that you were meant to be there? Sorry, am a little confused.

Original poster

JeSuisUnaStubbs · 01/01/2016 21:43

I have no issues with them cancelling in light of marital problems. I was only confused when the photos appeared and feel like I've been taken for a schmuck.

I suppose it's possible he got away from the bad marriage with a last minute night at the darts in London. Seems a bit of a stretch though!

OP posts:

TiredButFineODFOJ · 01/01/2016 21:44

Honestly- "like" the photo. If ever asked, just say you were so pleased they managed to have a lovely new year in the end. Although they will never ask.

Original poster

JeSuisUnaStubbs · 01/01/2016 21:44

Yes ladygracie that's what he implied.

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 01/01/2016 21:52

I agree with the poster who said that the marital problems could be there and that a massive argument ensued when the Husband told the wife he'd rather ho out on a posh jolly that honour their original plans.

She was embarrased to have to let you down because her H chose to bail on the arrangement.

The fact that the let down messages came via facebook, and that you are engaging that way means they must realise you've seen the pictures.

Why don't you drop her a note saying, you're sorry to hear that they are having problems, that you'd still love to meet up for dinner if an overnight is not really on at the moment, or perhaps ask her if she needs someone to talk to? She may well.

Then you can also use the opportunity to casually mention that you saw the pictures and ask her honestly if they double booked or something.

Brenna24 · 01/01/2016 21:54

That would be a really weird excuse. I'd just say I'd been dumb and double booked myself. Or that I'd been invited to something big and a one off and ask if we could postpone.

Trills · 01/01/2016 21:56

I'm also on the side of thinking that they had a big fight because he had tickets to the darts.

Either he already had them, and didn't tell her.

Or he did tell her and she forgot and made plans anyway.

Or they appeared at the last minute and he wanted to ditch your evening to go.

Any of those could turn into a fight, and then the wife wouldn't want to go into details, she's just want to say "we had a fight".

unimaginativename13 · 01/01/2016 21:57

Are you sure the pic is from that night? Or not before?

SoWhite · 01/01/2016 22:03

It wasn't really a female event, the thing in London

Unless it was a dick measuring contest, what does this mean?

HowBadIsThisPlease · 01/01/2016 22:18

People tell different friends different things. Their marriage may be in trouble but the rest of the world is getting the brave face. Maybe they had a big fight and he flounced off to a night out. Maybe they hardly ever do things as a couple and she didn't feel like faking coupledom with you, or feel up to doing it on her own and coming fully clean about how bad things have got.

I don't know if they are bullshitters or not but it might be that because you are not "in the swim" of a group of friends you are all part of (if I am reading you right, you have felt a little socially isolated in the toddler years) that she feels more able to be honest with you than some others. And maybe she needs to tell someone something, even if she isn't ready to tell everyone everything. Or maybe not even anyone the whole story.

Is there a nice way you can get together with her one to one in an unpressured way? As much for her as for you (though it sounds like you would really like to know where you stand, it would also be nice for her if she does need someone to talk to)

Even if you can't get close to the truth be careful before you assume it's a lie because if they are trying to make it work she may regret telling you what she has and she might be evasive rather than explanatory

MudCity · 01/01/2016 22:18

I don't think anyone would claim to be having marital problems if they weren't. As others have said, they are much more likely to make another excuse...plenty of things they could have said if they did not want you to visit.

ghostspirit · 01/01/2016 22:31

did they defo go to this party thing on the night that you were meant to go to their place? could it have been a few night before. but they have only just put the photos on?

if it was me i would rather the person said im really sorry ghost we messed up and got dates mixed up. we have been invited to.../ have tickets for... i really want to do our night though please could we arrange it for xx day.

SoWhite · 01/01/2016 22:58

To link into the posters asking if the OP is sure that the photo was taken on the 31st:

www.pdc.tv/world-darts-championship/article/1mbw6c0x3o7g81fe7z6398yr0a/title/william-hill-world-championship-ticket-update

If it was the darts in London, the 31st was one of the only nights in December where darts wasn't actually on at the Ally Pally. Of course there may have been other venues, but this is the big darts one.

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