to think that I'm a lovely person?

[LikeADivil]

.........nawt!

Ah no.

I just identify myself in a lot of traits criticised on here. I'm not a psychopath but........... I am on occasion:

Selfish
Lazy
Inconsiderate
Over sensitive
Insensitive
Suspicious
Jealous
Controlling
Drink too much
Smoke
Occasionally a shite parent
A shite partner
Depressed
Short-tempered
Etc.
You get the picture?

But.

On the other hand, I'm not ALL bad!

I am frequently

Empathetic
Loving
Kind
Giving
Generous
Humourous
Witty
Hardworking
Diligent
Supportive
Tolerant
Patient
etc. etc.

AIBU to think that posters can take a snapshot of one incident and pigeon-hole posters (or OTHER HALVES to be more precise) and that this can be damaging?

Everyone has it in them to be good and evil. I like this story.

YABU.

Posters come on here and say negative things about their partners because those negative things are significant and are causing problems. It doesn't matter if that partner is wonderful the whole rest of the time, if this one significant thing is causing problems that are not getting solved then that's what matters.

Also, it doesn't matter how wonderful the partner is, the OP can end the relationship if he or she wants with no reason whatsoever.

All the positives in the world don't make up for certain negatives.

YANBY, sometimes it's like feeding time at the zoo on here.

I think most people display all the traits mentioned at some time or other.

It's all about context; i believe I am in a good healthy loving relationship. Dh kind of fucked up on the Christmas present front; I got stupidly drunk and started a heated discussion with my aunts boyfriend. Both have been laughed off as they are pretty one-off events.

However, just because an arsehole can be decent sometimes, doesn't mean they aren't an arsehole. And a decent person can be an arsehole sometimes. The trick is to find the difference - which is easier said than done.

I also think that if it's such an issue to them that they are posting on an Internet forum for advice on it, there are bigger problems in the relationship and the example used is 'the straw that broke the camels back', so to speak.

Well said Clash

I don't think anyone is an absolute delight always. It depends on context and circumstances.

YANBU at all. Love all your descriptions.

I'm not ALL bad lol.

Yes - what Clash said

The test for me is whether you go 'Well that's not like them!' or 'Here they go again!'

I hardly think people do pigeon-hole other halves from one incident. You will notice that in threads people will always ask about other aspects of a relationship. Or the incident is serious enough.

Anyway, we all have good and bad points. What I tend to ask is if people can live with the bad points. One great positive point doesn't compensate for a really bad negative point. For example, your other half could be great in bed, or cook and clean every day, but if he/she says you're a cunt pretty much every day, then I wouldn't want to stay with them.

Lweji - you might note that I never stated that I was abusive.

I do however display all the other negative traits that I've listed occasionally!

It's just that it seems like under the MN jury, no-one can be forgiven for just being human and having failings. AT ALL.

I wasn't referring specifically to you, but to the generic question you asked. And developed it a bit.

But, clearly you're more interested in the personal aspect.
We'll have to believe you in that you're not abusive, though. You could be for all we know.

I agree. I think people here are too quick to assume the worst. "what are his redeeming features" "why do you stay?" "he's abusive"" ltb"

Sometimes people want to vent about something that irritates. They maybe want advice on how to either let go on what irritates, or discuss it sensibly how things could be improved. It isn't a reflection on their entire relationship.

Years back, when the dc were small I remember posting on a message group about somethin dh did that irritated. I still have the email. It. Obviously had really irritated that day and I didn't mince it.
I think on here I'd end up defending dh, who does over half the cooking, a good amount of shopping, takes the dc out, buys me flowers and gifts etc... But is hopeless at getting up in the morning.
On the group I was on I was given lots of suggestions on how to approach it, and it did help.
Have a spa day would have done nothing.

Witchend - I think it's probably a fundamental difference of ideas about relationships.

To me doing over half the cooking, a good amount of shopping, taking the dc out, buying flowers and gifts is incredibly basic behaviour - I would expect every single partner in the world to do such simple things. To my mind they absolutely do not 'make up for' other behaviour, so listing them would make no difference at all.

Also, Witchend, you didn't post the problem here so you can't know how it would go at all.

People do read what they want to read. In every thread there will be all sorts of opinions.
But when every single poster is saying it's abuse, it's not good.
It means the behaviour is serious enough, and more often than not the OP has done the talking part. They are more often than not advised to still try talking about it, if nothing else as a last ditch attempt.

If you read threads in relationships the OP's often already know something is wrong. Even if they posted something that seems innocuous at first.

And if you read that similar behaviour to yours is not on or is abusive, then maybe it's better to do your best to improve that behaviour than complain about how other people talk about it here.

OP but what do you do if you have been displaying the negative traits? E.g. if you realise you have been selfish and lazy? Or if you have been controlling?

Do you apologise, mean it and make up for it? Or do you only apologise when you have gone too far and are about to be dumped? Or do you look for the things your partner did that made you behave that way so you can sort it out?

And do you behave the nice ways more of the time or only early on in a rs? And after your dp is pissed off with the nastier behaviour?