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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be annoyed at this? I probably am aren't I :(

23 replies

Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 26/12/2015 23:47

Christmas Day, was round visiting my Dparents with the DC's.

As he knew we would be visiting that day, ExH sent the DC's Christmas cards to Dparent's house and we opened them Christmas morning. So far so good.

The DC's had one card each from a woman I have absolutely no idea who she is, money in each card. Obviously I am grateful to whoever it is for the Christmas money but I find I'm really quite annoyed for someone I don't know to have my parent's address and send cards to my children. The cards were sent from the place where ExH lives and I can only guess that it is some relation/friend of ExH/his new gf as we don't know anyone ourselves who lives there.

Aibu to be annoyed? It would be fine if I had even the slightest idea who this person is but it makes me uncomfortable, not even totally sure why. Or ai just being an ungrateful bitch?

OP posts:

CastaDiva · 26/12/2015 23:50

Why are you annoyed? Can't you ask your Ex who this is? Why does having your parents' address matter?

theycallmemellojello · 26/12/2015 23:51

Haven't you asked your dcs who she is?

19lottie82 · 26/12/2015 23:59

I don't think you should be annoyed, as such..... But I kind of understand where you're coming from re feeling uncomfortable.

I'm guessing your DC must know who she is.... What did they say? Is it their fathers girlfriend?

Original poster

Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 27/12/2015 00:04

I have, but one of them is disabled and can't talk and the other says he doesn't know. To be fair he's only been to the town ExH lives in once and that was a year ago so I'm not surprised he doesn't remember if he met her then.

ExH basically refuses to communicate with me and is incredibly childish so I only speak to him via his gf or my parents (his arrangement, not mine!). The last time I saw his was a year ago and he refused to even make eye contact with me.

I honestly don't know why it bothers me, maybe its just the fact I don't know her and don't necessarily want a stranger having contact with my children and parents even if very indirectly?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 27/12/2015 00:05

It's definitely not exH's girlfriend.

OP posts:

Mmmmcake123 · 27/12/2015 00:11

Mmm I have to say it would absolutely annoy the shit out of me too.
So, you are the main carer responsible for safeguarding your dc and an unknown has sent a gift directly to parent's address. This is simply not on!
If he is unwilling to communicate directly with you, so be it, but he certainly shouldn't be giving out an address to someone without clearing it with you, albeit through someone else.
It could be completely innocent but that is not the point, you need to know who is giving your dc gifts!

Mmmmcake123 · 27/12/2015 00:17

How old are your dc?
One of your children could be vulnerable and the other doesn't even know her!
As an adult, if I were her (presumably a friend or gf) I wouldn't send anything as I would understand it could be taken wrongly. I also think money is almost a bribe to be liked by dc when they meet, v wrong IMO

19lottie82 · 27/12/2015 00:22

Are you sure your DC who says he doesn't know is telling the truth? A lot of time kids will tell (or not) parents things about their time with the other Parent, to avoid the risk of "upsetting" anyone.

Your ex refusing to tell you who it is is Definitely unreasonable tho!

OhJustGetOnWithIt · 27/12/2015 00:23

I'd want to know a lot more about this if I were you. YANBU

polyhymnia · 27/12/2015 00:25

The mother of his GF?

Original poster

Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 27/12/2015 00:30

I thought it might be Poly.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2015 00:35

I'd find it weird but I wouldn't be annoyed.

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 00:39

does it have any name, other info?
or is it only anonymous woman style handwriting?

Original poster

Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 27/12/2015 00:48

It has a name but no other information, and I don't recognise the name at all. What annoyed me even more was in one DC's card (disabled dc) she'd written something like 'make sure you be good like I know you can be', not personal as such but slightly odd, particularly considering that dc can't read or understand the message. Very strange.

OP posts:

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 00:54

google the name, find the location / address, maybe approach her further?

Tulip1011 · 27/12/2015 08:52

Why don't you ask exHs girlfriend?

BillBrysonsBeard · 27/12/2015 08:57

The money wouldn't bother me and I was about to ask if there was something more going on.. But after your last post about the written message, it seems weird and overly familiar.

Original poster

Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 27/12/2015 09:31

I did plan to ask her at a convenient moment Tulip :)

Turns out mystery woman is exH's gf's mum.

Don't know why but I'm still annoyed, especially the chummy message in the card. She doesn't know anything about my DC's and has not even met them more than once.

I am grateful for the money but it just seems weird to me, it's like my DF's ex wife's mum sending me money.

I know I probably Abu, just pissed off at ExH mainly, mystery woman made the same amount of effort for their Christmas as their own father. Actually more because at least she wrote her own card.

OP posts:

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 27/12/2015 09:33

If it annoys you that much then send the cash back

Original poster

Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 27/12/2015 14:03

No, I can't do that, the DC's would wonder where the money went and I don't want to cause bad feeling between us and them. I will just have to graciously accept and thank her (which I already have done).

I imagine this is an attempt to make my DC's feel part of their family now, since exH's gf is a month away from having a half sibling for them.

OP posts:

peppielillyan · 27/12/2015 14:57

well that could be an explanation....
can you write back, and say Thanks for the money, But Who R U ?

OurBlanche · 27/12/2015 15:05

So, are you going to allow her to have any kind of relationship with her GCs half sibs?

In the absence of any other info, it sounds as though she is trying to be nice. It isn't her fault her DD has got herself pregnant to a man you detest. She may dislike him too! Rather than be pissed off with her (which is totally understandable) it might be easier for you if she was nice, you did have a distant, cordial relationship. You may be linked to her for decades yet!

Original poster

Ciabattavonbreadsticks · 28/12/2015 10:22

I'm not going to be nasty about it, there's no point in being that way but in all honesty, I don't really want to have any relationship with her or want her to have one with my kids, they are nothing to do with her! But I'm not pissed off with her just thinks it's slightly strange, I have half siblings myself but I only have a relationship with them, not with their extended family.

It would be different if we lived closer to them and would see them on a regular basis but we live at least three hours away from them and would see them very very infrequently at best.

I know she is trying to be nice and that is good, I bloody hope she does detest ExH as he is a dick but I think that since he has lied about me and why we broke up horrendously to anyone who would listen it isn't likely. I can't imagine ExH's gf would have even been in a relationship with him let alone gotten pregnant if she knew the truth about him but that's none of my business.

OP posts:

Flip