to have different rules for dd1 and dd2?

[DorothyL]

Dd1 is 14, dd2 is 12.
Both have smartphones. Dd1 is very sensible and self-controlled about using it which is why I haven't imposed any particular rules. Dd2, however, gets irritable the more she uses it, it affects her mood, she's easily distracted, which is why I want to impose stricter rules about phone access. Dd2 complains this is the height of unfairness - is it?

No. You tailor the rules/your parenting to their strengths and weaknesses. Different DCs require different parenting and rules. Mine are only 10 and 4 and already have entirely different personalities, senses of right/wrong and levels of wilfulness that I'm having to change 90% of what I did with DS1 because DS2 is the complete opposite to him. I'd blithely imagined I knew what I was doing, having had one previously. I had no idea.

Well I don't know. I don't think its fair to allow one unlimited access and the other not if that's what you mean. I can see what you're saying in that the older one might be less moody after long periods, but id still not hand different rules for each.

Sounds reasonable from adult point of view, but be very careful you might end up pitching dc against each other and cause a long-term resentments. They will not judge their own behaviour they will judge each other and you.

TimeToMuskUp with a six year age gap you are in a very different situation to the OP. The OP children are quite close in age.

So do I handle it? If I restrict access for dd1 she will say it's unfair because she's doing nothing wrong!

Tie the restrictions into acceptable behaviour.
Who puts the phone away as soon as they are asked? Who gets snappy and is a PITA in ways that you can directly link to her phone use? If you do this...the consequence is that.
Then DD2 has more control over how much access she has. It's her choice.
Some restrictions are reasonable for everyone. Not after a certain time at night, not at the table etc.
More draconic and DD1 will rightly feel that she's being punished for her PITA sister.

Build her behaviour into the rule?

Have universal rules, e.g. Usage time limit, homework first, no taking phones to bed, etc.

The difficulty with that is that dd1 had her phone first due to being older, we didn't have any particular rules like that because dd1 was and is so sensible about usage - if we start those rules now dd1 feels badly treated!

You can't punish DD1 because DD2 is too immature to use her phone sensibly.

Don't introduce rules for DD1. It's not fair on her, she's shown that she can be trusted and is at an age where she probably wants to be treated like an adult.

Tell DD2 that if she is as sensible with her phone you won't introduce rules for her either. Or could you help her to become sensible rather than imposing draconian rules.

How can I help her to become sensible? Things are made more difficult by the fact that she's incredibly sneaky

You need to tell DD2 that until she's proven herself to be sensible (i.e. no tantrums when she comes off, doing her homework without a fuss, going to bed on time or whatever else she struggles with), then she's mature enough to have the same rules as her sister.

Whilst she's throwing tantrums and getting grumpy, she's obviously not mature enough so you need to put restrictions on her usage.

Definitely don't restrict DD1 when she's done nothing wrong.

Be specific about what you expect. And DON'T compare your dc against each other.

Can you in effect model the rules on DD1's behaviour so it makes no difference to her but modifies what DD2 does?

But they are different ages, surely this means different rules are OK? For example, in a few years DD1 will be old enough to go to the pub but DD2 won't be.

Can you tell them that at the moment, DD2 has useage limits but when she is the same age as her sister is now, they will be different.

Don't impose rules on DD1 when you are trying to modify the behaviour of DD2 - you may find that DD1 decides she may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Educate DD2... discuss her behaviour, her responses. Make no mention whatsoever of DD1. If DD2 does tell her that you are talking to her (DD2) about her behaviour not about anyone else and their behaviour.

Just keep on pointing out that you are being fair, you are giving her the opportunity to get more of what she wants. You are being fair, you are treating her as an individual, etc, etc.

Tell her when she is her sisters age then you will rediscuss the rules. She is 12, not 14.

Agree with those saying rules need to be child-specific. When you have a big age gap, as I and other posters do, it really brings home the differences between DC - nothing to do with age. When they are closer spaced, it seems easy to set blanket rules, but actually that's not fair. You need to focus on what rules each child needs to help them - try thinking of them as guidelines and you will see that everybody's guidelines need to be different. The age limits for drinking are a good analogy.

I'd take the phone off dd2 tbh - if dd1 is mature enough to use it sensibly, then she keeps hers.

But then I wouldn't give a 12 year old a smartphone so that might colour my position.

Both daughters have to earn their various privileges, based on maturity and behaviour. Your younger one is old enough to understand this, and to appreciate what attitudes she needs to demonstrate in order to have full access to her phone.

Could you introduce rules to both DD's but in a way that won't affect DD1 so long as she remains sensible?

Without knowing the exact problems with DD2 and her phone it's hard to say what the rules should be but if, for example, the problems are that she won't get off the phone when asked without a tantrum, is on her phone when she needs to be completing homework and stays up into the night because she's using her phone instead of going to sleep then rules might be something like:

DD's must calmly put away phones within 5 minutes of being asked. The consequence of breaking this rule (either by tantruming go or refusing to put phone away) is that phone-time will be restricted to a set one-hour period as decided by parents for the following week or maybe even banned altogether.

Rule 2 is that homework must be completed by 8pm. Breaking this rule means that phones will be confiscated until homework is completed for one week.

Rule three might be no phone use once in bed. Breaking this rule means that phones will be left switched off downstairs for one week.

DD2 then has a choice - she can stick to the rules and learn to moderate her own phone usage sensibly or she can break them but then she must face the consequences of her actions. If DD1 is sensible about her phone use anyway presumably she won't be breaking any rules so they won't really effect her.

I'd also say that as the DD's are both old enough to understand the need for rules etc maybe sit down with them and agree on a set of fair, reasonable rules and fair, reasonable consequences together. That might help DD2 to be more aware of the rules and thus more inclined to stick to them.