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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this bother you?

24 replies

FairyFluffbum · 23/12/2015 06:38

There is an interactive show today that I am taking my dd aged 2 too. Really looking forward to it as I didn't think we would be able to go.
My ds is a bit high strung lately and would probably cry all the way through it. Luckily dh has juggled his shift around so he can be at home and I take dd. Pop it on Fb saying how much I was looking forward to it, to my mum pipping up with oh your dad is taking db(3) and dn(4) all who get on well with dd. My mum is working (where the show is being hosted) and that's why dad is taking them. She also only really knew about the show in the first place as I told her and she knew I wanted dd to go. Surely if dad was going and taking dn, they could have offered to take dd?

I also saw my mum has put up a photo of my sisters new baby. Yes she is excited I get that. But something clicked and I went through her entire page and there is no mention of my ds when he was born let alone any photos of him at all.

I am probably being unreasonable but would this bother you slightly?

OP posts:

bittapitta · 23/12/2015 06:47

Looking after 2 kids is different from looking after 3, and don't you want to enjoy the show with your DD? Not unreasonable of your dad to not offer, he's not obliged to nor is he a mind reader.

I think you're overthinking the FB photos thing.

Original poster

FairyFluffbum · 23/12/2015 06:50

Possibly...I just feel my two are left out of everything. They have taken my niece to the seaside many a time, theme parks, petting zoos etc etc with my little brother and dd has gone once.....once!

I think the fb gets to me in real life as I have no end of people who know my mum come up to me and say I didn't know you had had another one, closely followed by I see you sister has had another one. Saw the picture on fb.
I even had one person who didn't even know Dd existed and it made me realise that my mums profile is splashed with photos of my niece and my brother( understand as he is there son) and nothing of my two

OP posts:

Chottie · 23/12/2015 06:51

I wouldn't worry about this at all.

You've already planned to take DD, go along and have fun together. If you see DB and DN and your Dad, say hello and wish them a happy christmas.

There won't be many more years when your DD will want to go to an interactive show, so enjoy it.

Don't over analyse FB photos, it's just not worth it.

Merry Christmas

CreepingDogFart · 23/12/2015 06:52

It wouldn't bother me. Don't overthink it.

SSargassoSea · 23/12/2015 06:52

A two year old is best with their DP, it's very young to sit through a show.

DGM's have favourites, often to do with their own childhood imv, not much you can do.

My youngest was no one's favourite (compared to certain previousDGCs) but was such a lovely, outgoing confident happy boy neither he nor I cared.

CreepingDogFart · 23/12/2015 06:52

Oh and have a brilliant day!

Costacoffeeplease · 23/12/2015 06:55

It's not Frozen themed is it?

Let it gooooo!

I don't see much to get your knickers in a twist about - have fun at the show

Original poster

FairyFluffbum · 23/12/2015 06:57

Oh I will. And I wouldn't dream of mentioning it. I don't think my mum even really realises she does it.

And I'm not sure if it's frozen themed...but Elsa will be there and so will Santa. There is tinker bells workshop and kids are encouraged to get up and sing and dance

OP posts:

Needtobebetter · 23/12/2015 07:02

I think there are 2 things going on here rather than the fact they are leaving your DD out of everything. Re. the show - you mentioned it to your mum, she probably thought it was plans you'd already made and didn't want to interfere. She's organised it for the others to go because you're already going.

The other, well yes it does sound like they spend a lot more time with your sister's children but perhaps this is because sister comes across as needy? Maybe she constantly asks/expects them to help out etc whereas you don't (not saying that you should). I'm in a very similar position and it's awful really. The way I deal with it is to think about the relationship my DC will actually have with their grandparents, it will be a lot nicer because we visit for occasions and grandparents are not in a discipline role. The times they see them are all about having a nice visit.

By all means mention something to your mum of you think she'll discuss it with you, she might think that you're happy with the way things are and want some distance.

HoggleHoggle · 23/12/2015 07:03

Actually YANBU in my opinion. I see what people are saying in terms of just letting it go, because I don't think there's anything you can do about it and obviously letting it go is the only way to stay sane - BUT actually I think it's a bit shit if they genuinely take your DNs on trips but rarely your dc, and that there are no pics of yours on FB. Yes, FB is fucking annoying, but it doesn't mean that it's not indicative of something going on in RL.

Just go with your dd today and try to ignore the other stuff. Hope you have a lovely time.

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 07:03

You were already going? Why would your dad offer to take yours of it was something you planned to do?

It does sound like they do a lot with your niece and nephew. So they provide childcare? Are the kids older?

Fb wouldn't bother me at all. Mum has Facebook when I had mine. She didn't really understand it or use it much when I had mine. She uses it more now so I would imagine my nephews births are on there but not mine.

Original poster

FairyFluffbum · 23/12/2015 07:10

I wasn't going as I didn't think i would be able to manage it but now I can.

No babysitting for us but my mum has my niece at least once a week usually overnight. In the school holidays she was having her nearly every day

OP posts:

369thegoosedrankwine · 23/12/2015 07:18

Yanbu. I found out Pil went to the local panto with my nephews the other day. Not a word to me or dh. We only found out when dn told us. My two ds's were not even considered and as childish as it sounds it hurts and actually makes me angry.

My own family would always at least offer to take all grand children.

I wouldn't stress about fbook but I totally see where you're coming from.

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 07:21

Does your brother/ sister work?

Are you a sahm? Do they think you don't need childcare? Do you ask them to babysit? Do they say no?

How do you know it wasn't a last minute decision to take them? After you found out you could take your child?

I often find fair and equal are not the same especially when it comes to family.

Original poster

FairyFluffbum · 23/12/2015 07:27

My sister works part time now but never used to. When dn was a baby they had her all the time. When my daughter was born there son was 6 months old, therefore I can understand why they couldn't have dd occasionally. However they still had dn frequently, though I get she was older.
My sister never had childcare and would always ask them to babysit. In fact she is there so often my brother and niece fight like siblings and boy do they fight. Loudly and often.
I dont ask for babysitters from my mum as one time I asked she said no. She wasn't sure if she was busy or not...then announced a few days later she was having dn

Made me quite cross and I think it's why I resent my sister and niece a little bit sometimes.

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 23/12/2015 07:34

My mil constantly brags about dh's sisters 4 kids and none of her friends/family know I'm pregnant (24 weeks so hardly early days! Lol). It got to me a bit. The FB thing wouldn't though-I don't want photos of my baby on the Internet. They could've offered to take your DdD too though-it seems a bit mean not to.

Enjolrass · 23/12/2015 07:40

Well then you need to ask.

If she said no because she already was having your niece, that's normal.

If you never ask, then you never get.

Mum has 4 grandkids. I try and give her as much notice as possible. Also try and arrange things round her.

So if we want to see a film I ask her when is good for her.

It sounds unfair but the niece is older and far easier to look after. My oldest is far older than the others and mum can have her while she is doing other things. Dd doesn't need looking after as such.

Ds is four and still needs supervising and my nephews are younger so need a lot of looking after. Having my dd doesn't change her plans in anyway. Because she can tag along or be left in her house for a bit. Dd is 12.

I know mum once refuse to baby sit for dbro because she had my kids. We arranged it 3 months in advanced. Dbro was really pissed off.

The difference is here though, I know mum would have refused me if I ha asked last minute and she was having theirs.

Mum and dad do alot for dbro and sil. Far more than they do for us. But, we are closer. Because mum and dad know I am more considerate of their time. Dbro and sil ask for a favour at least 5 times a week and don't get that mum and dad need time for themselves.

Original poster

FairyFluffbum · 23/12/2015 07:46

At the time I asked her it was in advance....4 weeks.

She announced she was having my niece a week later. My sister asked AFTER me which was why I was annoyed

OP posts:

amarmai · 23/12/2015 07:52

many parents and grandparents have favourites. It's not fair but it's human.

Rafflesway · 23/12/2015 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FairyFluffbum · 23/12/2015 08:57

Thank you raffle

It does hurt but I really hope my dd doesn't notice when she's older. She's only 2 now but I don't want her to say "why does nanny and grandad not do anything with me and baby brother"?

That is my biggest worry about it all

OP posts:

Rafflesway · 23/12/2015 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MonkeyPJs · 23/12/2015 09:26

I wonder if it's worth mentioning it to her?

I used to be bothered by the fact there are pics of my DN's everywhere at my Mum's house, as well as their pics as her computer background, phone background, ipad lock screen etc. It was really getting me down.

I finally asked her and it turned out my sister had put them all there! I wish I'd mentioned it earlier

Yoksha · 23/12/2015 09:35

Fast forward 30 odd years and apply same scenario OP. My mum died recently. The emotional impact of her death was visible between the 2 sets of dgc. Mine couldn't have cared less. My 2 siblings dc were distraught and couldn't understand mine? Yes it used to irk me. Then I accepted it. They virtally cut her off as adults. Her fault, not mine. She did broach the subject sometimes, but I swept her aside emotionally. Didn't engage in apportioning blame. No point really. Life's too short as I can contest too. "What was that?" "That was your life mate, sorry, you only get one shot" is my philosophy. Merry Christmas everyone

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