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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's unfair my mother wants things done NOW

25 replies

Helgathehairy · 16/12/2015 15:08

The weather here has been terrible for weeks. My mother today said her gutters need cleaning this Saturday, they've been overflowing for a while. So instead of saying it a few weeks ago, so DH could choose when to do it, she wants it done this Sarurday. Except DH is on call with work and can't do it. So she goes off in a huff, saying she'll ask someone else to do it (except she won't, she'll wait for DH to do it).

She always does this, she waits until things are urgent so things have to be done immediately. Thr problem is if someone can't do it immediately she tried to do it herself and she's definitely not capable of being on a ladder.

OP posts:

juneau · 16/12/2015 15:10

If she wants them done NOW then she should pay someone to do it. There are people out there who specialise in gutter/roof/ladder work. I suggest she avails herself of one of them.

DonkeyOaty · 16/12/2015 15:12

Gosh yes. She needs a handyman type. Point her towards the local free paper small ads.

RatherBeRiding · 16/12/2015 15:14

Of course it's unfair. Also, not your problem. Her gutters - her problem. If she wants a favour then she must wait until it is convenient for the person doing the favour. Otherwise, as juneau says - there are people who do this for a living.

Original poster

Helgathehairy · 16/12/2015 15:18

The thing is there are plenty of neighbours who would help her out for free but she wants DH to do it.

She's comfortable financially, not rich but could afford to have someone do these things but she doesn't understand money at all and seems to think she's poor. The money is in the bank (obviously) and to her if it's not in the house it almost doesn't exist.

OP posts:

lexlees · 16/12/2015 16:44

Just tell you are happy to organise someone to come around and clear it asap,but that it will cost £XXX .Or tell her you dh can do it, but since he has to miss work it will cost £500 - or whatever his daily rate would be!

Or tell her, the gutters are already overflowing so it can't get much worse than it is and she just have to wait. Remind her that when she is getting something for free as a FAVOUR, it is not on her terms, it on the person giving the favour. So she just has to wait til the new year or whenever.

Just let her go in a huff. If is she is too selfish to understand -you have to spell it out.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2015 16:52

she doesn't understand money at all and seems to think she's poor

Are you sure? Or does it just suit her to give this impression while folk are running around after her for free?

Forgive me if I'm completely off the mark, but I used to have a father like this ... and believe me he understood money down to the nearest penny

CPtart · 16/12/2015 16:57

Many older people are like this. Not short of money but will not spend it. I would nip this in the bud, it'll be cleaning, gardening and taxiing her about next. Have seen it all with my grandparents.

Indantherene · 16/12/2015 17:03

Mine is like this. Worse still she put a note on Facebook stating her fence had blown down which was followed a week or so later by an "oh woe is me, not one of my family offered to do my fence" update.

DS said he'd have done it had she asked him but none of us took the hint. I did ask her when she was whining to me on the phone how she expected me to deal with it, given that I've never put up a fence in my life. No answer to that one.

My DB suggested she paid someone to do it. "That's what I do" he said.

mintoil · 16/12/2015 17:13

I don't understand. This is a non issue really. She has asked and you have said no. What happens beyond that isn't your problem surely?

I wouldn't even mention it again. She has told you she is getting someone else to do it so i would just take her at her word. She sounds like a proper PITA but don't engage

TheSecondViola · 16/12/2015 17:15

Then let her have a huff and let her get on with it.

Honestly, the amount of people complaining on here: x always does this y always does that. Of course they do, if you not only let them but actually encourage them to do so, because thats what you do every time you go along with what she wants.

Original poster

Helgathehairy · 16/12/2015 17:16

Thanks all for not making me feel unreasonable. I'm an only child and mum has said that the only reason she had me was to look after her - and she wasn't joking.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/12/2015 17:22

My mother once asked me to drive for 10 hours so I could collect so,egging from her and take it to her friend I took to calling myself Yodel every time I spoke to her after that

notquitehuman · 16/12/2015 17:24

Sounds like a piss take to be honest. If she can afford to get these things done then she can pay for them. I wouldn't be happy with my poor DH being on a ladder doing chores on his day off. Plus if you cave into every demand it's just going to get worse, especially as she gets older. Trust me, I've got the same situation with my MIL and wish we'd put our foot down years ago.

OnlyLovers · 16/12/2015 17:39

She can just keep waiting for your DH, can't she? I'd tell her to get comfy.

abbsismyhero · 16/12/2015 17:41

surprisingly my six year old does this

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/12/2015 17:45

Yanbu.

she should give plenty of notice or just pay someone. funnily enough peolel have stuff to do at weekends and if they aren't aware of their skills being required elsewhere then plans will be made that don't accommodate her timings

Fairenuff · 16/12/2015 17:49

As long as you keep pandering to her OP, she will keep doing it.

It's your choice to make, you could change it. But if you won't then you can't really complain as you are actually her accomplice here.

Krampus · 16/12/2015 17:51

absismyhero what demand that the gutters are done?

Sorry, I knew what you meant.

SSargassoSea · 16/12/2015 18:10

Yes, but the risk is she does it herself.

I would leave her to it personally but the op prob doesn't want to risk her falling.

OnlyLovers · 16/12/2015 18:18

Doesn't sound like she's about to do it herself.

Original poster

Helgathehairy · 16/12/2015 18:25

There is a chance she'd try to do it herself. She lives with my Aunt (her SIL) who is 83 and has heart failure. Mum is 73 and has osteoporosis. She fell putting out clothes last year and my Aunt didn't even wonder why it was taking so long (she couldn't get up for a bit). She broke her arm and it hasn't been the same since.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 16/12/2015 18:37

YANBU.
I think I'd find her the name of a local handyman who she could pay to do these jobs, and then, whenever she asks, say - yes, dh will do it when he gets some time, or you can phone 'Brian/Dereck / Joe / Fred' if you need it doing to a timescale not that he would necessarily be available to jump to her commands either, however, he's working this week so it won't be for a while. He will put it on the list.

OnlyLovers · 16/12/2015 19:10

Oh Christ, well in that case do as Back suggests above and find her a local good handyman.

Hissy · 16/12/2015 19:16

Just back away and tell her to get someone in. Tell her that dh can't do it and you're not happy that she's emotionally blackmailing you.

Honestly, this is emotional terrorism. She won't do it herself. It's not hanging clothes out, she's just letting you think this so you do what you are told.

Ignore. Smile. Nod. Carry on with your life.

abbsismyhero · 16/12/2015 21:43

actually he did once the bloody things dripped on his head and he said mummy will you PLEASE get a man out to FIX THIS! (he didn't know what it was called he was 3/4? at the time) we utterly pissed ourselves as he used my "final warning" tone and everything

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