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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I ask for money

26 replies

Cadenza1818 · 07/12/2015 11:55

My mum doesn't drive so I always go to hers. It's costs about £25 and I try n go weekly. Don't mind driving but should o expect a contribution? She's been to mine about 5times in 3yrs. I don't work, she does and I have 3dc. However it's not that I can't afford cost. Will I sound like an entitled daughter to expect a contribution? Or just not visit?!? Or suck it up?! Mn jury please!

OP posts:
PennyHasNoSurname · 07/12/2015 11:57

Eh?

Just visit her the amount you can afford, and maybe up calling her instead.

WorraLiberty · 07/12/2015 11:58

WTF?

Of course YABU

If you can't afford to go then don't.

If you can, then just get on with it.

AliceInUnderpants · 07/12/2015 12:02

Eh? You want to be paid for visiting your mum??

Arfarfanarf · 07/12/2015 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/12/2015 12:03

£25 is a long way away - at least it is in my car. Is there a reason you visit her so much ? Is she sick?

I would just go less.

Epilepsyhelp · 07/12/2015 12:03

That's a lot of money, half a tank of petrol, she must live quite far away! Maybe just visit every other week if it's so far.

Chillyegg · 07/12/2015 12:04

Oh dear God no domt ask for money.

If you have an issue say mum can you come hear more please I find it hard with the kids.

NoSquirrels · 07/12/2015 12:06

How far are you going that it costs £25 and you go once a week?

It's your mum. If you can't afford to go so often (or if you can afford to but would like to put the money towards something else) then you need to cut back on the visits and explain it's because of petrol cost. Then it's up to her if she wants to come to visit you in between, or offer you some petrol money.

But I really don't think you can ask!

Original poster
Cadenza1818 · 07/12/2015 12:18

Sorry there is a slight back story. She didn't speak to me for several years (her decision never found out why) and I suppose I feel it's still me making effort. She's the one wanting to see me weekly but she can't drive so can't get to me. It's an hours drive plus a toll bridge so it adds up. I realise it comes across as cold. It's a complicated relationship! She'd get narky if I didn't go over and if I say I'm trying to not spend too much she gets all judgemental as she thinks my dh earns loads.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 07/12/2015 12:22

Will she get on a bus/ train could you meet her half way for a coffee or something dont ask for money thats a bit odd tell her you are struggiling with petrol money and will be cutting back to once a month.

ImperialBlether · 07/12/2015 12:23

Okay, given the back story, I don't think you should visit her weekly. I think you should alternate visits. I wouldn't let her control you like that.

MrsJayy · 07/12/2015 12:24

It doesnt matter what she thinks about your dh earning i know you said the relationship is tricky but just tell her

EvaBING · 07/12/2015 12:25

I've heard it all now.

Cel982 · 07/12/2015 12:25

You can certainly tell her the trip is too expensive for you to be able to make it every week, and invite her to come to you instead.

You cannot ask her to pay you for your visits. If she offers, great. But you really can't ask.

josephwrightofderby · 07/12/2015 12:28

I would stop going, and then when she asks why, explain straight up that your DH isn't as wealthy as she thinks and that you are really struggling. Then invite her to yours.

I think what this is really about is the emotional and not the financial side of things - the fact that you don't feel she cares enough about you to make the effort to see you, yet expects you to run around after her. That IS very hurtful. And provided she is active, healthy and mobile, it won't be fixed by her chipping in towards a bit of petrol money!

NoSquirrels · 07/12/2015 12:30

OK, backstory.

I would just cut back a bit on visits, I think. Once a week if you have a great relationship and want to see each other that much, and it is reciprocal i.e. your mum makes as much effort. But if she can't be bothered unless you go, then cut back if that is what you would prefer.

She may moan and be nary, but if you think the petrol cost is an issue then it is irrelevant how much your DH earns. Presumably he's not earning it to facilitate your mum, but to provide for all his family, and with 3 DC costs add up. Don't be bullied if you're not happy with the arrangement, OP.

KitKat1985 · 07/12/2015 12:45

No, don't ask for a contribution. It is however fair enough to say you can't afford to visit every week anymore but she's always welcome to yours if she wants to keep up the weekly contact.

Notimefortossers · 07/12/2015 12:46

I wouldn't be going to see her at all until she explained why she'd stop speaking to me for so long!

Fairiesarereal · 07/12/2015 12:47

Just tell her the truth "Can't visit every week cos I don't have enough money for petrol", any reasonable mum would say not to bother or come to you or give you a little petrol money.

UtterlyClueless · 07/12/2015 12:48

You must be mad!

Arfarfanarf · 07/12/2015 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 07/12/2015 12:55

on the weeks you can't afford/don't want to go, just tell her you can't afford it this time. It doesn't matter whether she thinks your dh earns loads, if you're sticking to a budget then you're sticking to a budget.

MammaTJ · 07/12/2015 12:59

I can see both sides to this. I cannot afford to visit my mum often. DP cannot afford to visit his parents often.

On the odd occasion he has mentioned it and DPs dad has given him the money for petrol. Entirely his choice as he desperately wanted to see his grandchildren and we could not afford it.

Original poster
Cadenza1818 · 07/12/2015 13:09

Thanks guys. Arfanarf - you've hit all the nails on the head really. Totally unsure.We're I am with her, not great relationship. Think I'll just work out a budget and stick to it. Actually posting this has made me realise it's not the money I'm begrudgingly. Its covering the emotional aspects....

OP posts:
redskybynight · 07/12/2015 13:11

Go as often as you can afford it. If your mum wants you to go more frequently, then up to her to fund it imo.

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